Monday, 25 July 2011

I Just Had Sex...

The creepier stalkers among you may have noticed my blog address has changed, I decided to change it because I want to write about whatever I feel like sometimes, so thought "fuck it I’m going to change it so it’s all about me!" The online dating theme is staying because well that’s what I’m doing with my life and it’s too entertaining to give up, oh and I’ve been asked out for a drink by another fucking midget...do I have "I date shortarses" stamped on my forehead?! I even got a message recently from a little man saying that I was “the perfect girl for him” I’m 5’6 not a bloody a borrower!

I have some proper posts planned but today is going to be a shambles because I am stressed out, pissed off and hungover.

The evil neighbor bitch that was living next to me finally disappeared back home but she has now been replaced by something far worse!!! I didn’t think it was possible…this creature is a classical music fan, how do I know this? Well she plays it loud enough that my deaf dead granddad can bloody hear it, I fucking hate classical music because I am a common tramp, in retaliation I have taken to playing shit like the face down ass up song, Steel Panther, Lonely Island…basically anything I like that will without doubt piss off a retarded antisocial virgin. She has yet to get the point I’m making.

On Friday I went out with the guys (mistake…) and got ridiculously drunk, I shouldn’t treat alcoholic beverages like pokemon...one of the new guys attempted to flirt with me (bad decision, beware of women who can hang out with lads...not easy to charm) he decided to tell me that he'd waxed his chest before showing it off...great?... I decided it would be funny to scratch the red looking area, it was...but he was a pussy and said it hurt, so I did it again. He didn’t get lucky. Douche. Although according to DK the guy was a “gayboy” I asked Mr. Waxed Chest whether this was the case and he said he could prove he wasn’t, yeah I wasn’t falling for that fucking line again, he also snarled that DK was being a jealous dick, men are so sensitive. Pretty sure DK was anything but jealous.

After a while it ended up just me, DK and the Scotsman, both were supposed to be crashing at mine. The night was a mess of them flirting with MILFs, asking every Essex girl if they could see their vajazzle and DK shouting “Hey Fatty! Yeah I see you looking...” at some poor whale (probably my fault to be honest, I spent the entire night pointing at ugly women shouting “oh look it’s your girlfriend!” being an immature idiot is fun…) luckily for the guys everybody loves me, no bragging...they just do and whenever they pissed someone off in the mother hen swooped to sort it out. I’m awesome.
We finally made it back to my halls but not before some people threatened to call the police and shit when the Scotmans thought drunken driving around campus was a good idea, it is NEVER a good idea and I swear I nearly fucking died. Don’t drink and drive it’s fucking stupid even in an empty car park (yeah I can give out life lessons). We then decided to go in and rape my Irish friend who was sleeping but I got bored and went to bed, while I was gone it seems DK announced that he was going to try and shag me (yep I know what an absolute presumptive wanker) then demanded that the Scotsman sleep in the Irish’s room…there is another reason the new neighbour doesn’t like me…my bed is pretty damn creaky and DK has a massive penis, shockingly massive for a white guy…I had a bloody brilliant night. Yes I am a whore.

Interestingly I think I would class DK as one of my closest friends right now, which is weird…

I haven’t told you the story of DK before in detail but seem to mention him a lot so here it is very quickly:

  • My best friend was attempting to seduce DK’s friend 
  • We got to know each other 
  • We got drunk
  • We fucked
Romantic right!? Anyway now we chat everyday and we are practically bezzies, I think it’s something to do with us being birthday buddies although he’s two years younger than me…didn’t I mention that? Right now I’m helping him get with a friend who he has a teenage girl type crush on, I admit is a little strange but it works, although if they do end up properly together god damn I am going to miss that penis.

So yes that is my life right now. Once again I’m best friends with a guy I occasionally fuck, I really don’t know how this keeps happening but I think I’ve finally figured out how to make it work. Also DK said he would set me up with a rich Kent farmer, sounds good to me!

AND most importantly I am now over 50 followers which is so bloody awesome!!! I want to treat all you loyal beasts somehow but it would take too much time and effort to meet each of you for sex….I’m sure I will think of something, maybe I will get naked, rub some jello on me and take pictures while I roll around?

4 comments:

PorkStar said...

bahahhahaha
Nice post!

I didn't notice the name change of your blog and it doesn't matter, as long as you still post those funny ass stories about the male species on those sites, fucking hilarious.

Little Miss Me said...

Hehe thanks and I will definitely keep telling those stories! As long as the men continue to be idiots....

Rosie said...

OMG! I thought I had lost you as the feed would not validate. Riff, of course, had the proper link. And so I live to read another day.

Little Miss Me said...

Well I'm please you found me :)