You Must Be This Tall To Ride Me

I’ve decided not to see Tom Cruise again, the results of the poll are pretty damn clear, but mainly it’s due to the shallow ass fact that I cannot cope with his height. Yes I’m aware it is a ridiculous reason in the eyes of height deficient men everywhere but I DON'T CARE.

I AM WOMAN AND HEIGHT MATTERS!

When I last mentioned that I wanted a man who is of a certain height our dear friend Maxwell had a little tantrum, he’s such a sensitive soul, bless him, it must be because he’s so short, emotions are more concentrated or something….

Now I’ve had a little think about why height is so important to me and well I’ve come up with a list of my top three reasons (I know you like lists Maxwell)...

1. I’ve always “dated” giants (I’m using dated to cover anything more than an ONS because I think it sounds better than “fucked on multiple occasions”). I just feel weird around short guys, to me being around a short man is like being around a dog that tries to shove it’s nose in inappropriate places...it's the same kind of awkwardness that you can’t really mention but everyone knows what is actually wrong.

2. I'm a crazy insecure bitch and like to feel teeny, tall guys make this happen, it's definitely not about the penis size, believe me being 6'4 does not mean you're hung like a bear...worst moment ever :( oh is that it?

3. I LOVE HIGH HEELS!!!! I mean I love them, I’m the kind of girl that will go into shoe shops and burst into tears at the sheer beauty of  a pair of heels and the fact I can’t afford them. I need a man to be taller than me even in my hooker heels.

SHOEGASM!!!!

So yep, I need a tall guy. I’m not saying I need a giant although that would be awesome! I have a weird crush for Hagrid…damn he’s a man and a half or rather five and half Maxwells.

Ideally I want a guy to be 6 foot and over but honestly I don't have a pissing clue how to tell height, I know if someone is the same height as me, I know if they are shorter than me but other than that I wouldn't have a pissing clue so I can pretty much class 5'10 and upwards as 6' it’s just how I roll.

Now what can you do if you are a short ass? Well don’t give up! Some people have a thing for fucking midgets, look at Katie Holmes!

This dude has to be hiding something in his pants...surely?

I was trying to think if I was a short man what I would do, I thought about adding an inch or two but I can hear the hatred from women shooting through me already. One thing with lying about your height is that you should expect the woman to be disappointed when she meets you…also don’t meet up with a woman who is taller than your real height, that would just be extra fucking awkward. I expect women probably don’t carry tape measures to dates to check heights but to the non-retards (aka not me) it’s pretty damn obvious.

Sorry to disappoint the shorties wanting a piece of my pancake but don’t worry I’m going to totally contradict myself and tell you I was seeing a guy who was 5’8 last year…

DISCLAIMER: Maxwell is not actually a midget and I would very much like to have sex with him.