You Must Be This Tall To Ride Me

I’ve decided not to see Tom Cruise again, the results of the poll are pretty damn clear, but mainly it’s due to the shallow ass fact that I cannot cope with his height. Yes I’m aware it is a ridiculous reason in the eyes of height deficient men everywhere but I DON'T CARE.

I AM WOMAN AND HEIGHT MATTERS!

When I last mentioned that I wanted a man who is of a certain height our dear friend Maxwell had a little tantrum, he’s such a sensitive soul, bless him, it must be because he’s so short, emotions are more concentrated or something….

Now I’ve had a little think about why height is so important to me and well I’ve come up with a list of my top three reasons (I know you like lists Maxwell)...

1. I’ve always “dated” giants (I’m using dated to cover anything more than an ONS because I think it sounds better than “fucked on multiple occasions”). I just feel weird around short guys, to me being around a short man is like being around a dog that tries to shove it’s nose in inappropriate places...it's the same kind of awkwardness that you can’t really mention but everyone knows what is actually wrong.

2. I'm a crazy insecure bitch and like to feel teeny, tall guys make this happen, it's definitely not about the penis size, believe me being 6'4 does not mean you're hung like a bear...worst moment ever :( oh is that it?

3. I LOVE HIGH HEELS!!!! I mean I love them, I’m the kind of girl that will go into shoe shops and burst into tears at the sheer beauty of  a pair of heels and the fact I can’t afford them. I need a man to be taller than me even in my hooker heels.

SHOEGASM!!!!

So yep, I need a tall guy. I’m not saying I need a giant although that would be awesome! I have a weird crush for Hagrid…damn he’s a man and a half or rather five and half Maxwells.

Ideally I want a guy to be 6 foot and over but honestly I don't have a pissing clue how to tell height, I know if someone is the same height as me, I know if they are shorter than me but other than that I wouldn't have a pissing clue so I can pretty much class 5'10 and upwards as 6' it’s just how I roll.

Now what can you do if you are a short ass? Well don’t give up! Some people have a thing for fucking midgets, look at Katie Holmes!

This dude has to be hiding something in his pants...surely?

I was trying to think if I was a short man what I would do, I thought about adding an inch or two but I can hear the hatred from women shooting through me already. One thing with lying about your height is that you should expect the woman to be disappointed when she meets you…also don’t meet up with a woman who is taller than your real height, that would just be extra fucking awkward. I expect women probably don’t carry tape measures to dates to check heights but to the non-retards (aka not me) it’s pretty damn obvious.

Sorry to disappoint the shorties wanting a piece of my pancake but don’t worry I’m going to totally contradict myself and tell you I was seeing a guy who was 5’8 last year…

DISCLAIMER: Maxwell is not actually a midget and I would very much like to have sex with him.

Date #1 - Meet Tom Cruise

On Saturday I went on my first ever internet date! This was a major thing for me as it was technically only my second date ever in the history of the world! Yeah people don’t tend to take you on dates when you’re a whore and use sex as an introduction technique…

I was majorly nervous but my friend convinced me to go...well forced me to go...I found him waiting for me and HE WAS SHORT...well he was the same height as me (possibly a teeny bit taller) I’m pretty average at 5’6 but for a guy that is damn short.

The date was actually awesome, he’s funny, he’s got a fit face, an awesome job and there was no awkwardness, well apart from my brain going "oh my god I must look like a giant, yep I’m going to stand on him and he will die, bloody big feet, oh my god I will be a murderer with my clown feet and my massive hands, his hands are so little, I’m like a bloody man, wait maybe people think I’m a man dressed as a woman, they think I'm a drag queen, do I look like a man!?! Oh my god that is why people are staring!!!" I’m really good at winding myself up…they were probably staring because I looked fucking hot to be honest.

Anyway the date was great fun and time went really quickly, possibly faster due to the amount of alcohol I consumed (all bought by him scoring major manpoints) unfortunately he didn’t get taller, pretty disappointing...maybe I should have accepted that sixth glass of wine but I could already hear myself slurring and not entirely making sense, a band was also setting up in the pub and it was taking all my power of politeness not to eye fuck the guitarist who was hot as hell...so yes Mr. Cruise didn't get taller but I think it was the right decision to stop drinking...

We said a slightly awkward goodbye, I knew he was going to go in for the kill but I wasn't interested (surprising for me, I will normally play tongue tennis with anyone just for the entertainment) but I decided it was a bad idea plus I had been feeling poorly for a few days (forgot to mention my voice sounded like a dying toad, I hope he doesn't think that's my natural sound...yep people definitely thought I was a drag queen with that bloody raspy voice as well DAMNIT) anyway it turns out I probably have bloody glandular fever or mono for you special American creatures, worst thing about this is that I haven't even been out whoring, that is so bloody unfair!!! If I have to deal with the kissing disease it would have been nice to at least of kissed some people!

So back to Tom Cruise...He is literally the perfect guy except for his height and I feel like a shallow cow saying that, I would love to have him as a friend but I doubt I could cope with the height thing…I’m used to men being at least 6’ and well he’s just not...

So now I'm stuck. What is the best plan of action?...he's definitely interested in seeing me again and sent me a message later that night saying "best day ever today" damn why am I so fucking awesome! I think I'm just going to see what happens, nothing bad can come of seeing him again I guess...