So I have finally returned!...where's my party?

I know it’s been a while…but I did warn you...

Sorries for leaving

So what is going on in my life? Well I finished my masters LIKE A BOSS and I’m now applying for jobs all over the shizzle, I’ve got my first ever interview on Tuesday! Wish me luck!

And my love life you ask? What is going on with that?…a pure pathetic horrific disaster.

You were all bloody right about DK. Yes I said it. Yes it's killing me to admit it. Yes I was a massive stupid idiotic cow hypnotised by his penis...damn penis.

It also appears I am now a real life emotional wreck of a female, particularly when shots are involved…wonderful.

Therefore I am taking some new steps in my life; firstly I am now a revirgin (it’s a thing, shutup). I’m extremely proud of this right now and apparently even more proud after consuming a bottle of rum, oh yes the Captain Jack Sparrow in me felt the need to stand up on a bench and scream out “I AM A REVIRGIN!!!!” to the entire bar. Nice.

Secondly somewhat consequently after a disastrous week of me + drinking, I am banning myself from all alcohol. Except wine, but who’s crazy enough to give up something as essential and beautiful as that?

Is it wrong this get's me excited downstairs? Hell no, that is some beautiful shit

Thirdly I am no longer falling for douchebags. It’s definitely a recurring habit of mine, I always like the guy who treats me like crap and makes me hate myself. I’ve managed to do it twice this year, that’s pretty damn impressive if you ask me. A few years ago being a stupid slut with the King Douche was fine and dandy, but I’ve turned sensitive and apparently can’t handle it. Stupid female brain. Grrrrr.

So yes that is my life right now. I’m slowly getting over DK and the fact he treated me worse than a piece of shit on his shoe as soon as summer ended, slowly being the optimum word...if facebook was considered real life I would have a restraining order by now or possibly be imprisoned for stalking...come on...like you don't do it?! I’m going to find myself an amazing job (well, a job…with some money and hopefully not too much poo) and finally I am going to hunt down and capture Mr Right, it’s a shame Sonny Bill Williams lives so far away…

Oh look! It's my future husband

Whoreface Friday: Another one of those DK stories...

Saturday night was a big one, Scottish had invited me and my friend (who happens to be a girl, yeah I have female friends too) out with the guys, DK said he “might come” but I wasn’t going to force him…although I probably asked him a few too many times…what?...

The guys started drinking at around 11am because they are mental, DK was working until late and the ladyfriend had to feed the pigs, I didn’t really fancy spending an entire day drinking so made some excuse why I couldn’t go around until later.

The guys phoned me up at 6ish to get more beer and cigarettes, being a good little girl I provided for them, I’m going to be a great wife. Me and the lady got whored up and off we went. I got a phone call from DK to say he was coming out but wouldn’t be there until 10.30, he asked where we were and where I was staying, I told him I was staying at my place, he then asked where he was staying “wherever you want” so he decided he was staying at mine…(ooh I wonder where this story will end up? It’s like a mystery…) the house was about 2 minutes drive away from my place so DK said he would park at mine and I had to drive over and meet him, he was aware of the fact I was already completely fucked on rum…but 2 minutes in the countryside drink driving isn’t the worst thing.

At 10pm the minibus arrived outside the house even though Scottish (DK's best friend apparently) knew he wouldn’t be there, I said I would go back to mine and meet DK, this is the point one of the guys decided to pick me up and throw me into the bus, oh fuck. DK phoned to say he was about 10 minutes away, oh fuck! Somehow I ended up taking another taxi back home to meet him. I’m such a fucking mug.

Met up with DK and we managed to find Scottish in town, but the ladyfriend and the boys were missing, we decided to solve the problem with jagerbombs and shots. We got so drunk we didn’t even care that we couldn’t find them and instead another female friend of mine and her boyfriend magically appeared.

More drinking, Scottish was turned away from a club, more drinking, lost the female and her boyfriend, more drinking, got with a blackman, more drinking, DK dragged me away from the blackman, more drinking, guys kept hitting on me and then apologising to DK as they “didn’t realize I had a boyfriend” “he’s not my boyfriend” DK didn’t really say much…

We finally left the club and went back to the guys house, I may have broken…okay smashed a table into teeny pieces when I fell over…oops, I’m more dangerous than a fucking blind elephant sometimes. One of the guys appeared and fell into bed, we then realized my car was blocking in everyone and I had left the keys at my place, shit, so I needed to walk back get the keys then move my car, yes I was still fucking drunk…

I set off home with DK, promising to be back soon, as we navigated through the back of my campus through the trees and bushes an idea may have occurred…I’m not sure who initiated it (probably me to be honest...such a whore) but yeah I totally shagged DK outside on the grass with only a few trees between us and the road, it was fucking awesome! I mean sooo good! But yeah I had sex with DK again, damn my hungry vagina!

We got back to mine eventually, I grabbed my car keys changed out of my heels into cowboy boots (don't ask why I took this decision) and set off, DK offered to come with me but it was already like 5am and he had to work so I told him to go to bed. I obviously looked like a prostitute roaming the countryside in my boots and ass grazing miniskirt...so awful. When I got back to the guys house all the guys were there and gave me a cheer, I almost wonder if they thought a stripper had turned up…I drove home and realised that I didn’t have keys to get into my room. Oh fucking fuck and DK sleeps like a deadman, I had to climb in through my window, I forgot about this until I noticed the massive scratches on my legs…ooh classy!

I woke up this morning to find an arm around me, not going to lie that made me smile! I’m such a girl, DK ignored about a hundred beeps of the most annoying fucking alarm in the world, I hate iphones and they need to die, that noise is horrid. Eventually he got up said bye and drove off home leaving me to enjoy the disaster of a hangover alone, sat on the bathroom floor clutching a bottle of water hoping it will just end is so beautiful, also I learnt a lesson” don’t drink water while lying down, it will explode onto your face and try to drown you, it’s scary!

Real life is a bitch

Firstly an apology for the lack of posts recently, I hate excuses so I won’t be making any, I’m just going to tell you how it is...

My dissertation is due in 4 weeks so like any good student I am panicking like a fucktard due to some amazing procrastination, did you know Dr Kellogg apparently invented cornflakes to prevent masturbation?...I’m also applying to jobs and PhDs like a cheap whore, I will literally take anything but because the shitty state of the bloody country every single bloody place wants a billion hours worth of bullshitting to say why you are perfect for the job! Such fun! I’m also having some major arguments with the parentals and my life is just generally shit and pretty fucking busy. I’ve given up with online dating for the moment, I don’t have the time and I’m moving home for a while, this sucks massive dry camel balls.

None of the above were excuses obviously because I hate excuses. In reality I’m just being a lazy overwhelmed idiot, the spare time I do get I’m talking to or playing hide the penis with DK, because I am still being a moron who enjoys being incredibly confused and used.

Next Saturday however shows promise! I’m going to a little reunion with my guys and housemates from university, so excited! I haven’t seen most of them in at least a year! Also my future husband and love of my life is attending, hopefully I can convince him that we should be together this year...Unfortunately he likes big scary whale women and well I’m not…I guess I could work on the fat thing but I’m never going to be a dominant person.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is sorry, I will try to throw out a post and keep you updated but until this dissertation disappears you probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of me, please don’t cry, I know, I know, I really am that special but this isn’t goodbye, this is just see you soon!

I have a post written for tomorrow already, so that’s something, although it’s another “I’m an idiot woman and this is what stupid thing I did with my vagina this week” post…

Zombies Everywhere Interview

The more awesome whorish creatures among you should already be aware that I've done a little interview for the epic blog that is Zombies Everywhere! If you're not that awesome don't worry I will forgive you and you can make up for your failure with many sexual favours.

Go check out the post and the amazingness of his blog! I'm watching you...

Whoreface Friday: This is why I'm single...

DK is a massive knob (and not because he has one).

Last Saturday I went out with him and a bunch of the guys, it was a bloody good night! I didn’t spend anything thanks to the generosity of the boys and I managed to get completely fuckerdoodled. I know not to drink shots, jagerbombs, beer, cider and all that shit because it fucks me up but did it anyway…

When DK asked me to go he said that I could come providing I didn’t “cramp his style” what a fucking douche. Like he has any style to cramp? So I was out to make a point and not touch him all night.

We arrived and my favourite Scotsman was there waiting, he ran over grabbed me and went for his usual motorboat, the guys who didn’t know me looked pretty shocked…I assured them this was normal behaviour. I was told to down a glass of rum and coke then given a shot of jager, a fucking big shot, then a beer was shoved in my hand when we jumped in the taxi…oh yeah this was going to be a good night. In the taxi apparently I slapped DK, the reason I am unsure of and the Scottish shoved his penis in my face. Yes this was definitely going to be an epic night.

Fast forward to the final club of the night and damn I was drunk. We were stood outside and Scottish leant in for a kiss, I pushed him away. We do not do that; he is definitely not my type at all. His friend then did the same, I think I kissed him before thinking "oh fuck" and wondered off to chat to a bouncer I had befriended.

I’m not sure how it happened but I spent the majority of the night with the Australian friend who was fairly hot, we danced like sluts, we played some tonsil tennis and spent most of the night away from the rest of the guys only stopping occasionally to laugh at their atrocious pick up techniques.

Australians are hot and Ryan Kwanten is my favourite one of the moment

Australian disappeared for a while so I was stood with DK, Scottish and another friend. I don’t remember this (DK told me). It seems Scottish went in for a second attempt at getting with me and again I pushed him away, DK then turned to the other friend and said “watch this” then of course kissed me. I honestly hate the fucker but damn I like him too much…I’m such an idiot.

The Australian returned and eventually we left the club, the guys had some whores with them who stupidly jumped in the taxi. The men had lost interest in their sluts as soon as they bought their kebabs…plus I expect they didn’t look as great in a lit street as they did in a dark club. As we set off back to the house the girls seemed confused, the guys had told them they were going to a party somewhere, so they asked me what was going on, I’m a nice person so explained the situation and believe it was resolved…

I’m not entirely sure about the sequence of events leading up to the next moment but I was embarrassingly drunk. I somehow ended up sleeping with DK…. I KNOW I AM A FUCKTARD AND DESERVE ALL I GET. I honestly couldn’t understand how it happened. I was happily getting with my Australian, how had DK pulled a robbery? Well…I just found out. It seems that I told DK at some point in the club when he tried it on, that I wasn’t going to touch him as I “didn’t want to cramp his style” (me bitter? Never…) and he could do whatever he wanted, I’m not one of those needy girls, I could get with anyone and didn’t need him. At least something along those lines... It seems this annoyed dear DK and he decided to sleep with me to prove a point: that he basically has ownership over me or some shit. I am a little pissed off.

I am so aware that he uses me and it’s not fair. When I try to get over him he does shit like this? I just can’t help the fact that I really like him even though I’m aware nothing will ever come from it except some immense heartache. It would be easy to get over him but he phones me and we talk for a couple hours everyday fucking day! Last night he phoned me with the intention of phone sex, I basically told him to go fuck himself. I get it in my head that we are just friends and then he tries shit like that? Damning hell what is going on? Why do I always like the douchebags? I hate myself sometimes.

Back to the morning after the night before I woke up to find a mans arm around me...DK doesn't cuddle me even though he likes to snuggle because he "doesn't want to lead me on" a bit fucking late don't you think? One of the other guys had drunkenly stumbled into bed between DK and myself and snuggled in, it was pretty cute and I do like cuddles! DK was less impressed and told him in a few words to fuck off, I said it was fine but DK eventually kicked him out the room...

Story of my life

A little while later, the Australian, the Scottish and the Snuggler all turned up, they were still fucking drunk. The Aussie decided to attempt a dancing strip show, it didn't work because in his words "he wasn't drunk enough"...he then fell over. They then decided it was a great idea to shoot an ornamental bird with a gun while the Scottish held it, luckily no one died except the bird. Next DK was dragged out of bed and there was a crash in the hallway, they managed to break the banisters...luckily the snuggler found some orange netting to fix it...yeah that worked! DK drove us home pretty soon after...

Giving men a chance...

I’ve read everywhere that it’s important to have an open mind while online dating…my problem is that my mind is better fortified than a fucking castle…just for you beauties however I’ve recently been attempting to give all men a chance and not be such a judgemental fussy bitch…

If animals can make unlikely couples work then damnit I should be able to...

Men aren’t helping the cause however:

From: ****
Subject: Hi
hello x

Yep this guys is part of the 'hi crowd' what an idiot, I thought I would attempt some charity work and send him a reply out of the goodness of my heart in hope of finding the love of my life…okay he was hot.

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Hey :)
How are you? Xx

I know, I’m a creative whore. I’m a woman, it’s not my job to try.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
you not our tonight hun x

Eurgh I hate being called hun or babe, go fuck yourself darlin. But alas I continued to reply...

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi
No I had a quiet one, sat in the field behind our halls drinking wine with my friend, was lovely to be honest :) what about you? xx

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
lovely white or red? i just went to the pub and had a few, nothing tto exciting. what u up to now xxx

Hmm a decntish reply, clearly doesn’t believe in capatilasation but that can be overlooked…this is looking more positive!

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
Rose of course! I'm just getting ready to go to bed now, exciting times! xxx

Probably shouldn't have mentioned bed...it always makes men think about sex. Stupid woman.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
god good would u like it if i was there ;) lol xxx

Told you not to mention bed! Damn woman. Oh fuck did I get hopeful too soon? It could be a joke but the likelihood of that is fucking small…No thank you wankerface.

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Would be less boring I guess! But anyway I'm tired so night nights xx

Probably shouldn’t have put any encouragement at all…I thought this would be a good way to cut the conversation.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
true it would be rather intresting ;) good night xxx

Maybe I was a judgemental bitch, must have been a joke. This guy is decent.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
i reckon u could deepthroat very well ;) xx

What the actual fuck? Seriously? Where the hell did that come from? The fact it’s true is not the point (oh yeah I went there...)

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
where would u let me cum ;) x

Honestly? I haven’t replied, I’ve not given any kind of hint that I am going to fuck you…do you really think this is going to end well? In order to cum you would have to get your penis near me first and I can tell you if that little maggot goes anywhere near my body it’s going to be chopped off and disposed of appropriately and painfully.

I am so close to giving up online dating but unfortunately I require it at the moment. Things with DK are not looking good even friendwise right now…fuck sake! Probably shouldn't have got with that Australian in front of him the other night...but it was his fault for saying I wasn't allowed to "cramp his style" in front of the common slags, my god he is a douchebag...why did I fuck him again? No wonder I'm single.

Whoreface Friday: I stole a future husband from my friend, while at a gay club...

I was going to write about duck necrophilia today as a beer for the shower requested but want to chat about my weekend instead so will save that for another Friday.

Saturday was a complete fucking failure and a half, due to what I now realise was my monthly 'crazy bitch before the bloodstorm' moment, I had a little…okay incredibly massive falling out with a ridiculously annoying mental bitch I met in London, causing my friend and I to be kicked out onto the streets with buggerall money. I'm a genius when arguing and told the bitch that there would be “karmic retribution” and that I would write her name on my arm saying that she “killed me” then get murdered so that she would be arrested…yeah I’m so logical! (Did I mention I was completely fucking drunk?) My friends just laughed at me, apparently I’m ditzy even when I’m angry. I’m actually scary! Grrr! See.

Anyway the two of us walked around London all night trying to figure out how to get home with no money. I eventually managed to blag a free train ride home at 8am and slept for the entire day.

I woke up at 9pm to find I had lots of missed calls and two voicemails from DK…one of which basically said he was coming up here and I should get myself prepared…does he think I’m a booty call? I’m not. I phoned him back and he wasn’t in the best of moods…honestly I have no fucking clue what is going on with DK, he phones me everyday and we chat for literally ages, he gets really flirty then asks me advice on girls, I’m trying my best to focus on just being really awesome friends but he makes it so difficult! Seriously why was he pissed off?

My gay friend then appeared and wanted to go out drinking, he offered to treat me to a night out, I was wide awake so thought fuck it! I jumped into the shower threw together my sluttyself in about 20 minutes (benefits of being a girl that often goes out with just the guys, they rarely give you 'getting pretty' time and will leave if you’re not ready!). We destroyed a big bottle of vodka and then set off to the gaynight at our favourite club.

My friend hates camp guys; he’s camp enough alone…so we were looking for a straight acting gay guy or a straight guy…yeah Bruce is a predator. We spotted a guy that was absolutely gorgeous and so tall! He was a better looking version of a guy I liked last year but never got to fuck (I will have to tell you that story…it’s a good one) anyway I am a genius wingman but less than subtle in the approach. I decided to “accidently” mistake the fitface giant for this other guy, so shouted the wrong name and waved at him, who could bloody believe it but it worked!

While Brucey flirted his little heart out I distracted the little ugly friend, damn I’m a good wingman I even had to look at photos of his fugly girlfriend “ooh she’s so pretty! You’re such a lucky guy!” I’m so damn good. Now something to note is that at all times my hands were full of two double vodka and cokes…we got through £80 of drink in about 4 hours plus the predrinking vodka…I was beyond fucked and I’m not entirely sure what happened next…

Barely related picture made me laugh. Deal with it.

My friend disappeared and I think the ugly friend did too…the hot lookalike started chatting to me…by chatting I mean snogging…oops…I think this is yet another example of how playing hard to get works, I hadn’t chatted to this guy all night while my friend played out his best game. I won. Oh and the dude was named Ash which caused me to sing the pokemon theme tune to him…I should write a pickup book!

The three of us left, don’t ask where the ugly friend went. I don’t have a fucking clue. My friend was less than impressed with the situation and apparently I stole his “future husband” and “I’m a back stabbing hoe she” it’s not my fault I’m irresistible and can even get a guy in a gayclub.

I went back to my room with Ash and things started getting a little heated and damn the guy had a fucking good body, I swear there was not an ounce of fat on him just pure muscle, it was weird, I quite like something a bit cuddly on a man to be honest…I'm so fussy! Then Bruce burst in the door! I think he shouted something along the lines of “whore!” at me then “ooh hello” at Ash before storming out…I should really learn to lock doors, this happens far too often…

Now the dude was hot, he had a very generously size penis but damn I was fucking drunk. While I was on top riding him like a racehorse the world started to spin like I was on the waltzers…I jumped off and…then I woke up the next day…yep I’m pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to change positions…oops? I actually felt so bad!

Bruce made me feel worse. “Did you even give him a blow job?!” Unusually for me I didn’t… “You didn’t deserve him! You wasted him! I would have given him an amazing night and you fell asleep!” “I’m sorry? The next time we go to the gay club I will let you have the guy”…Bruce still doesn’t find me funny and even after asking him not to tell DK about the incident he sent him a message saying I shagged his man just to be a bitch. No fair. Apparently I was calling Ash the wrong name all night and I totally didn’t have a clue what he was called when I woke up…far too reminiscent of my old whoring days…I desperately need to get myself a man before I become 'The Slag' again. Right now my brain wants that man to be DK but that’s never going to happen, I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable situation where he gets a girlfriend and is no longer allowed to talk to me.