Whoreface Friday: Another one of those DK stories...

Saturday night was a big one, Scottish had invited me and my friend (who happens to be a girl, yeah I have female friends too) out with the guys, DK said he “might come” but I wasn’t going to force him…although I probably asked him a few too many times…what?...

The guys started drinking at around 11am because they are mental, DK was working until late and the ladyfriend had to feed the pigs, I didn’t really fancy spending an entire day drinking so made some excuse why I couldn’t go around until later.

The guys phoned me up at 6ish to get more beer and cigarettes, being a good little girl I provided for them, I’m going to be a great wife. Me and the lady got whored up and off we went. I got a phone call from DK to say he was coming out but wouldn’t be there until 10.30, he asked where we were and where I was staying, I told him I was staying at my place, he then asked where he was staying “wherever you want” so he decided he was staying at mine…(ooh I wonder where this story will end up? It’s like a mystery…) the house was about 2 minutes drive away from my place so DK said he would park at mine and I had to drive over and meet him, he was aware of the fact I was already completely fucked on rum…but 2 minutes in the countryside drink driving isn’t the worst thing.

At 10pm the minibus arrived outside the house even though Scottish (DK's best friend apparently) knew he wouldn’t be there, I said I would go back to mine and meet DK, this is the point one of the guys decided to pick me up and throw me into the bus, oh fuck. DK phoned to say he was about 10 minutes away, oh fuck! Somehow I ended up taking another taxi back home to meet him. I’m such a fucking mug.

Met up with DK and we managed to find Scottish in town, but the ladyfriend and the boys were missing, we decided to solve the problem with jagerbombs and shots. We got so drunk we didn’t even care that we couldn’t find them and instead another female friend of mine and her boyfriend magically appeared.

More drinking, Scottish was turned away from a club, more drinking, lost the female and her boyfriend, more drinking, got with a blackman, more drinking, DK dragged me away from the blackman, more drinking, guys kept hitting on me and then apologising to DK as they “didn’t realize I had a boyfriend” “he’s not my boyfriend” DK didn’t really say much…

We finally left the club and went back to the guys house, I may have broken…okay smashed a table into teeny pieces when I fell over…oops, I’m more dangerous than a fucking blind elephant sometimes. One of the guys appeared and fell into bed, we then realized my car was blocking in everyone and I had left the keys at my place, shit, so I needed to walk back get the keys then move my car, yes I was still fucking drunk…

I set off home with DK, promising to be back soon, as we navigated through the back of my campus through the trees and bushes an idea may have occurred…I’m not sure who initiated it (probably me to be honest...such a whore) but yeah I totally shagged DK outside on the grass with only a few trees between us and the road, it was fucking awesome! I mean sooo good! But yeah I had sex with DK again, damn my hungry vagina!

We got back to mine eventually, I grabbed my car keys changed out of my heels into cowboy boots (don't ask why I took this decision) and set off, DK offered to come with me but it was already like 5am and he had to work so I told him to go to bed. I obviously looked like a prostitute roaming the countryside in my boots and ass grazing miniskirt...so awful. When I got back to the guys house all the guys were there and gave me a cheer, I almost wonder if they thought a stripper had turned up…I drove home and realised that I didn’t have keys to get into my room. Oh fucking fuck and DK sleeps like a deadman, I had to climb in through my window, I forgot about this until I noticed the massive scratches on my legs…ooh classy!

I woke up this morning to find an arm around me, not going to lie that made me smile! I’m such a girl, DK ignored about a hundred beeps of the most annoying fucking alarm in the world, I hate iphones and they need to die, that noise is horrid. Eventually he got up said bye and drove off home leaving me to enjoy the disaster of a hangover alone, sat on the bathroom floor clutching a bottle of water hoping it will just end is so beautiful, also I learnt a lesson” don’t drink water while lying down, it will explode onto your face and try to drown you, it’s scary!

Whoreface Friday: This is why I'm single...

DK is a massive knob (and not because he has one).

Last Saturday I went out with him and a bunch of the guys, it was a bloody good night! I didn’t spend anything thanks to the generosity of the boys and I managed to get completely fuckerdoodled. I know not to drink shots, jagerbombs, beer, cider and all that shit because it fucks me up but did it anyway…

When DK asked me to go he said that I could come providing I didn’t “cramp his style” what a fucking douche. Like he has any style to cramp? So I was out to make a point and not touch him all night.

We arrived and my favourite Scotsman was there waiting, he ran over grabbed me and went for his usual motorboat, the guys who didn’t know me looked pretty shocked…I assured them this was normal behaviour. I was told to down a glass of rum and coke then given a shot of jager, a fucking big shot, then a beer was shoved in my hand when we jumped in the taxi…oh yeah this was going to be a good night. In the taxi apparently I slapped DK, the reason I am unsure of and the Scottish shoved his penis in my face. Yes this was definitely going to be an epic night.

Fast forward to the final club of the night and damn I was drunk. We were stood outside and Scottish leant in for a kiss, I pushed him away. We do not do that; he is definitely not my type at all. His friend then did the same, I think I kissed him before thinking "oh fuck" and wondered off to chat to a bouncer I had befriended.

I’m not sure how it happened but I spent the majority of the night with the Australian friend who was fairly hot, we danced like sluts, we played some tonsil tennis and spent most of the night away from the rest of the guys only stopping occasionally to laugh at their atrocious pick up techniques.

Australians are hot and Ryan Kwanten is my favourite one of the moment

Australian disappeared for a while so I was stood with DK, Scottish and another friend. I don’t remember this (DK told me). It seems Scottish went in for a second attempt at getting with me and again I pushed him away, DK then turned to the other friend and said “watch this” then of course kissed me. I honestly hate the fucker but damn I like him too much…I’m such an idiot.

The Australian returned and eventually we left the club, the guys had some whores with them who stupidly jumped in the taxi. The men had lost interest in their sluts as soon as they bought their kebabs…plus I expect they didn’t look as great in a lit street as they did in a dark club. As we set off back to the house the girls seemed confused, the guys had told them they were going to a party somewhere, so they asked me what was going on, I’m a nice person so explained the situation and believe it was resolved…

I’m not entirely sure about the sequence of events leading up to the next moment but I was embarrassingly drunk. I somehow ended up sleeping with DK…. I KNOW I AM A FUCKTARD AND DESERVE ALL I GET. I honestly couldn’t understand how it happened. I was happily getting with my Australian, how had DK pulled a robbery? Well…I just found out. It seems that I told DK at some point in the club when he tried it on, that I wasn’t going to touch him as I “didn’t want to cramp his style” (me bitter? Never…) and he could do whatever he wanted, I’m not one of those needy girls, I could get with anyone and didn’t need him. At least something along those lines... It seems this annoyed dear DK and he decided to sleep with me to prove a point: that he basically has ownership over me or some shit. I am a little pissed off.

I am so aware that he uses me and it’s not fair. When I try to get over him he does shit like this? I just can’t help the fact that I really like him even though I’m aware nothing will ever come from it except some immense heartache. It would be easy to get over him but he phones me and we talk for a couple hours everyday fucking day! Last night he phoned me with the intention of phone sex, I basically told him to go fuck himself. I get it in my head that we are just friends and then he tries shit like that? Damning hell what is going on? Why do I always like the douchebags? I hate myself sometimes.

Back to the morning after the night before I woke up to find a mans arm around me...DK doesn't cuddle me even though he likes to snuggle because he "doesn't want to lead me on" a bit fucking late don't you think? One of the other guys had drunkenly stumbled into bed between DK and myself and snuggled in, it was pretty cute and I do like cuddles! DK was less impressed and told him in a few words to fuck off, I said it was fine but DK eventually kicked him out the room...

Story of my life

A little while later, the Australian, the Scottish and the Snuggler all turned up, they were still fucking drunk. The Aussie decided to attempt a dancing strip show, it didn't work because in his words "he wasn't drunk enough"...he then fell over. They then decided it was a great idea to shoot an ornamental bird with a gun while the Scottish held it, luckily no one died except the bird. Next DK was dragged out of bed and there was a crash in the hallway, they managed to break the banisters...luckily the snuggler found some orange netting to fix it...yeah that worked! DK drove us home pretty soon after...

Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.

Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…

An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.

I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…

Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…

YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really embarrassed...it wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

I Just Had Sex...

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Whoreface Friday for Maxwell: Potato, Bucket and High Heels

Maxwell: "I would like to hear a story where a potato, a bucket, and enormously high heels all play a key role. Your choice on how they are integrated."

I had a little think and well I’ve tried my best to find the most relevant story, I can’t be bothered to make shit up so just deal with what I give you.

For Maxwell…

It’s a Wednesday so of course that means it’s time to get drunk and act like an idiot. My best friend who happens to be Irish had left the day before so I was ridiculous sad, in her honour we decided to get completely fucked and play the potato game: you shout potato in your best Irish accent. It’s less of a game and more of a bunch of easily amused drunken idiots shouting stuff…I feel we really honoured the Irish, the Irish doesn’t agree.

We dressed up in our best slagtastic costumes where high heels are of course a necessity! Still communicating by few words other than potato we stormed into the club, immediately the stairs attacked us! Yes attacked! I managed to survive thanks to my ninja skills however my friend became injured, pathetic. She still has a chunk of her leg missing to this day, she calls it a war wound, I call it learn to walk in heels you fucking retard. Heels really don’t like her, one made an escape for freedom recently in a taxi and she came home like a wonky donkey with only a single shoe…I feel sorry for the lost heel, the taxi driver is probably wanking over it, poor jizz stained heel, all alone in the world...

Fast forward through the night and everything is great, I’m drunk but still have vision (a rare event), then it happens…I don't know why but DK pissed me off, I’m pretty sure he was being a douchebag and I got mad (he probably ignored my attempts to fuck him...) in anger I charged over to the bar like a wild animal and ordered a line up of vodka shots...bam bam bam bam!!! I chucked those little fuckers back my throat. Done.

Surprisingly an hour later I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Shocking. I have a lovely memory of running to the toilets and chundering all over my boobs…great I could really have done with a BUCKET (I know grasping at straws but what?!). I managed to clean myself up…I think…and got some gum off the toilet attendant, one strip for £1! Was she actually kidding me?! Still this is the woman that made my friend pay £1 for a teeny plaster when I nearly chopped my finger off with a bottle and the bathroom looked like something out of the chainsaw massacre…maybe she can only count in pounds...I stumbled out of the toilets and there was a face I recognised waiting for me…a sort of acquaintance…oh shit did he see my vomcano? I bambi’ed over to him and uttered the sexiest sentence to ever exit my mouth… “do I smell like sick?” it was hot enough that he took me home and we played hide the penis…yeah that's how you pull people! Ask them if you smell like sick! I expect the leftover vom on my boobs probably gave the boys a lovely glistening effect...so yes another classy night.

Not the most exciting story I know but a little taster from my life, if you have any suggestions on a topic for future Whoreface Fridays that's awesome! I promise normally I'm not that disgusting, I barely ever get sick...

Introducing Whoreface Fridays

I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Yes.”
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.

When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:

“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 

Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 

I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”

I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****

First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx

It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 

Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx

Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.

From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx

Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...

Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!