Giving men a chance...

I’ve read everywhere that it’s important to have an open mind while online dating…my problem is that my mind is better fortified than a fucking castle…just for you beauties however I’ve recently been attempting to give all men a chance and not be such a judgemental fussy bitch…

If animals can make unlikely couples work then damnit I should be able to...

Men aren’t helping the cause however:

From: ****
Subject: Hi
hello x

Yep this guys is part of the 'hi crowd' what an idiot, I thought I would attempt some charity work and send him a reply out of the goodness of my heart in hope of finding the love of my life…okay he was hot.

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Hey :)
How are you? Xx

I know, I’m a creative whore. I’m a woman, it’s not my job to try.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
you not our tonight hun x

Eurgh I hate being called hun or babe, go fuck yourself darlin. But alas I continued to reply...

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi
No I had a quiet one, sat in the field behind our halls drinking wine with my friend, was lovely to be honest :) what about you? xx

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
lovely white or red? i just went to the pub and had a few, nothing tto exciting. what u up to now xxx

Hmm a decntish reply, clearly doesn’t believe in capatilasation but that can be overlooked…this is looking more positive!

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
Rose of course! I'm just getting ready to go to bed now, exciting times! xxx

Probably shouldn't have mentioned bed...it always makes men think about sex. Stupid woman.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
god good would u like it if i was there ;) lol xxx

Told you not to mention bed! Damn woman. Oh fuck did I get hopeful too soon? It could be a joke but the likelihood of that is fucking small…No thank you wankerface.

From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Would be less boring I guess! But anyway I'm tired so night nights xx

Probably shouldn’t have put any encouragement at all…I thought this would be a good way to cut the conversation.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
true it would be rather intresting ;) good night xxx

Maybe I was a judgemental bitch, must have been a joke. This guy is decent.

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
i reckon u could deepthroat very well ;) xx

What the actual fuck? Seriously? Where the hell did that come from? The fact it’s true is not the point (oh yeah I went there...)

From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
where would u let me cum ;) x

Honestly? I haven’t replied, I’ve not given any kind of hint that I am going to fuck you…do you really think this is going to end well? In order to cum you would have to get your penis near me first and I can tell you if that little maggot goes anywhere near my body it’s going to be chopped off and disposed of appropriately and painfully.

I am so close to giving up online dating but unfortunately I require it at the moment. Things with DK are not looking good even friendwise right now…fuck sake! Probably shouldn't have got with that Australian in front of him the other night...but it was his fault for saying I wasn't allowed to "cramp his style" in front of the common slags, my god he is a douchebag...why did I fuck him again? No wonder I'm single.

The Worst Message Ever?

If you look like this then words aren't important...

In the past I have bitched about how much I hate messages that could have been created by a lively brick, aka the “hi” crowd. Well being the contradictory whore I am…of course I reply to some…

"But wait Little Miss Me! You are always telling us how shit and fucking lazy it is to simply send a “hi” and you basically said there is no way in hell you would ever reply to them! Did you lie?" Umm no?…not exactly…In most cases I will release my pet Gossamer to hunt the "hi" crowd down and hurt them, but I can make an exception for some men...and damn have a few fucking exceptions messaged me recently!

My profile has been up for a while now and I’ve noticed some big changes. I now receive wayyyy less messages, have I got ugly? Is my profile shitter? No. I’m just not fresh meat anymore. Men are absolute dogs for new toys. Plus dating sites list new profiles in a special glittery area…

Am I bovvered tho??? I’m not even bovvered. I now rarely get the creepy messages or the poems or the stalkers...(I'm slightly disappointed about the stalkers...) most messages that grace my inbox nowadays are from guys I’m actually interested in. Most. Not all…

I still get the occasional 'what the fuck were you thinking' message:

From: ****
Subject: Spoiling you
YOU'RE SO HOT & SEXY I"D REALLY LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT AND SPOIL YOU :) X
I hope you don"t mind me contacting you, I"m not weird or anything but I think you"re really lovely and I"d love an opportunity to meet you which I"d never find any other way than to message you here.
We could start with a shopping trip, dinner and a club, nothing too serious just a fun time to get to know each other as friends first.
What do you think ? I"ll take care of your expenses for the meeting.

First off he’s made the common mistake of informing me on how hot I am, seriously I own a mirror you know! Then he’s asking my permission...but at least he’s not weird…because it’s important to make a point of saying you’re NOT weird…seriously? You only say you’re not weird if you're currently residing in a room with incredibly comfy walls...

He’s also going straight for the meet on the first message…what a rookie mistake; only whores and idiots would agree to meeting after one message, even if he’s using his money as bait.

I don't care that this isn't relevant it is awesome

The poor student and goldigging slut in me shouts "chance it and get some free stuff! We love free stuff!" Unfortunately the piece of me that doesn’t want to be raped says it’s a bad idea. Damn her. Doesn't she understand FREE STUFF?!

Oh and his profile picture is a mirror shot of him in what I assume is a public restroom due to the urinals in the background…doesn’t scream billionaire Prince Charming…

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're Wine

I am 22 years old. I am technically an adult (no one has to know my mental age…I still laugh at the word willy and balloon condom animals are hilarious...if you don't agree you have no soul). My dating profile says that I’m looking for men between 22 and 45, I chose that range because I have a fuckload of younger guys here, I don’t need to look on the internet for them (no I am not running some kind of rentboy business…) and I chose 45 as I don’t want to go any older than my dad (who I think is about 46…I think…) although if George Clooney or Johnny Depp messaged me then I’m sure I could make an exception…damn I would love to get them naked, throw some chocolate sauce on them and lick it off...

Anyway I’m not an ageist, a hot guy is a hot guy in my opinion and I don’t tend to pay attention to the ages of men that message me, unless they are 72 and call themselves "ViagraMan" or some shit.

The older men who actually message me however chuck their age in my face! I have no idea why they do it? And what’s worse they normally accept defeat before they even talk to me! Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!

From: ****
Subject: hi
hi fancy a chat or am i to old for you x

By now we know that fancy a chat is a shit message, hi as the subject is a shit message but then this dude mentions his age…what the hell kind of reason would I have for replying to this?

From: ****
Subject: hey
you have got gorgoues eyes and a beautiful smile hope ya well i know to old lol but pay a compliment where its due lol

Subject: Hi
From: ****
hi sexy, maybe im too old for you but me good good

Both these guys are 30…ummm excuse me but when did 30 become old? Seriously kill me now if I’m considered an OAP at 30, it’s ridiculous! The first one: why even message me? You’ve already lost before you pressed send, the second one isn’t much better but at least this idiot is clawing onto a teeny tiny strand of hope…

From: ****
Subject: hi
WOW ..what can i say?? please give an older man a heart attack by writing back to me!!

This is pretty cute I have to say but I still don’t understand mentioning your age, I know the heart attack thing is a joke but I don’t want to think that if I fuck you then you might die, that’s some shit I could deal without right there.

From: ****
Subject: hello
hello pitty you are young as i really liked your profile would be nice to hear from you as you look really nice take care

Why don’t you just give me a pat on the head and be more patronising. I may still get asked for ID everytime I buy alcohol because the shop retards think I look 17 but I am a bloody grown up thank you.

From: ****
Subject: Grrrrr
Wish I was 22 again

What the actual fuck is the point of this message? Oh great well it’s your lucky day because I’m only a bloody genie that can grant some awesome fucking wishes!

Anyway men please don’t mention your age. It’s on your profile so I can see it, don’t make it an obvious reason for me to ignore you. Bloody idiots.

The Online "Personal Ad"

It's important to have standards...

Today we are going to be looking at yet another common personal message. The “personal ad”.

I’m going to admit that these are not the worst messages to receive, they give some insight into the person sending them which is good, but they probably piss me off more than the ‘wow you are hot!” messages...at least those are entertaining and about me! Yes I am a self obsessed attention seeker, why the hell would I care what your interests are, it's all about me thanks...

'Personal Ads' are typical bulk messages. Most of them a guy could send out to hundreds of women, now I have no quarrels with playing the numbers game, the more women you message the better but I can’t stand it when it’s so bloody obvious I am just one of the zillion.

Contradictory? Yes maybe. You want to message a lot of ladies but you need to make sure each one feels special. A massive mistake is talking to the majority; never ever send a message which addresses women as a collective, you always want to talk to the individual!

Brilliant and importantly directed at the individual...

From: ****
Subject: I hope you have a great day!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.

From: ****
Subject: My dream? To meet a new partner for a serious relationship!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.

Here we have two different guys but exactly the same message. This is either an auto message or a suggested template. If any of you lot use these expect me to find out! I will then hunt you down and shove a crocodile up your arsehole because it is fucking disrespectful to female intelligence. Do men really think women aren’t aware of these? Yes sure the newbies and the blondes may not notice but any woman worth knowing will definitely pick up on them, for one there aren’t any grammar mistakes, that’s a big telltale on dating sites because as we all know men on the internet are illiterate chavvy morons.

From: ****
Subject: Howdi
i have looked and liked your profile and would love to know more about you and hopefully for you to get to know more about me too .... 

Myself im ****, 25, from **** and i enjoy a wide range of things and can have my crazy moments like everyone, im easy to get on with and love to do many things and see new places etc, i do have a hobby in music as a dj /producer and would love to make that a career in the future. 

if you wish to speak more away from here i can speak on facebook, msn, skype, or mobile
Looking forward to hear back from you soon
**** ;-)

This message isn’t awful but there isn’t anything personal, he says he’s looked at my profile yet doesn’t say anything remotely relevant about it. Maybe I’m being a bit of a judgemental negative bitch but to me this could have been sent to anyone and I’m worth more...(no wonder I'm having no luck really, I must try harder to be sugary sweet, I think I'm going to need a "give men a chance week" should be interesting...)

Subject: hi i have attached a pic x
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:36:19 PM 

Hi, i had a quick peek at your profile and you seem rather nice. How have you been getting on with this site? about me...... I am 28 yr old, i am a professional guy working in the city, i have my own house in a small country village in ****, just on the outskirts of London I am a bit of a joker by heart and love to laugh, but i can also be serious when i need to be! With the right person i am very affectionate and love to give cuddles. I go to the gym when i can and play rugby and cricket. I love cinema , theatre and nice restaurents, but will also be happy with the early bird at the harvester lol I have a good job in the city that keeps me busy, but i also know how to relax and let my hair down to. I love theme parks and anything involving an adrenaline rush. 

I have been single for over a year now and thought i would give this a go and see whats out there. It would be lovely to hear back from you. Take care

TMI. Quite simply chucking this much information at someone is a little overwhelming, I prefer to find out things by talking to people, tone it down and never reveal so much in a first message. Also please don’t ask how I’ve been getting on with the site, I get this all bloody the time and it’s annoying as hell. And now for the embarrassing bit...I did reply to this guy as he was pretty damn hot…I know I know I’m pathetic, should have trusted my instincts to be honest, I think my interest in him lasted all of five minutes, I can’t remember why exactly, but he probably had no banter.

Some people are fucking weird.

I think my opinion on these types of messages could be personal taste, I’m not sure…I do struggle to imagine what other women would think so I just prefer not to and assume my thoughts are normal…yeah right.

Fancy Chatting?

Yes Please

I love men to be 'real men'. I’m not asking for a caveman who drags his knuckles and hits me over the head with a dinosaur when I don’t shut up...but I do want a proper man!

There is nothing that annoys me more than men who apologise all the time, I love my readers and you sexy creatures really do come up with some great comments, Ms. Inconspicuous said it perfectly: “unless you have something to truly apologize for, don't. Or apologize for having an apparent spinectomy, because I only fuck guys with a backbone”.

Equally as annoying are the number of messages I get from guys who are basically asking if it’s okay to talk to me, I mean what the actual fuck?! Just bloody talk to me, I’m not your frigging teacher! Are you going to raise your hand when you need a bloody piss on our first date? Do you expect me to give you a grade at the end of it? Maybe a letter home to the parents? Men use your bloody balls or I will take it upon myself to detach them from your body, because quite frankly you don’t deserve them.

If a guy doesn't have the courage to take the initiative in starting a conversation then he's not exactly going to be the big man in the bedroom is he? I need a man who will just throw me across room, not one who asks if it's okay first...gentle doesn't do it for me.

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/4/2011 12:24:24 AM
how are u?
i like your profile and your pic
and would be nice to get to know you
dats if its ok with you and you wld like to.
wb x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/13/2011 7:19:33 PM
Hi
Just stopped and read your profile and its
pretty cute.
I would love to know more about you so if
thats ok stop by and say hello.
c. x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 11:29:04 PM
Hey,
You sound really nice and enjoyed looking at your profile!
I'm ****, live in **** too. Would you be interested in talking?
Xxx

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/2/2011 7:12:05 PM
Hiya :)
How are you?
I hope you don't mind me messaging you :)
I really liked your profile, and I was just wondering if you fancied chatting a bit more?
**** x

Honestly why ask if it’s okay? According to my Dutch friends they believe the English are too polite and find it annoying when we aren’t direct, but what the Dutch call assertive I normally call rude…anyway here I can see their point because damn is this annoying. I don’t understand why they ask me if I’m interested in talking or if it's okay to contact me? I don’t care! If it’s not I’m just going to ignore you...so please send me something interesting instead.

I get loads of these messages; most simply say “fancy chatting?” and I don’t really know what they expect me to reply with? They give me absolutely nothing to play on...do I say “yes” because that’s clearly going to be the start of an enthusiastic fun filled conversation isn’t it! Instead of asking if I want a conversation, just bloody start one! It’s not difficult really.

Oh so true...

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:

“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 

Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 

I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”

I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****

First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx

It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 

Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx

Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.

From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx

Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...

Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!

Fussy? Me? Never!...

The most important part of online dating is the first contact. This is normally in the form of a private message, during my time on the sites I have quickly realised that there are four main types of message:
• The “hi”
• The “fancy chatting?”
• The “personal ad”
• The “you are gorgeous!”
They are all shit.

I’m a lazy cow when it comes to online dating, one lovely blogger Little Miss Daydream is trying to date based on advice from Diana Kirschner’s Love in 90 Days and Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson…I can safely say my approach to dating is basically pathetically rubbish compared to hers, she’s being proactive and has a really good attitude, whereas I’m basically being the annoying “hot girl” at school who expects a really attractive penis with a great personality to fall into her vagina. Little Miss Daydream also mentions the "Deadly Dating Patterns" and even though I’m not entirely sure what these are, I’m still pretty damn certain I could be a spokesperson for them.

I think the idea of online dating is to give guys you wouldn’t normally chat with a chance? But I’m sorry, I can’t with most of them! A cat walking over a keyboard could send me a better first message than some of the men on the internet.

And I know I’m a ‘Shallow Hal’ sometimes...especially online, if I don’t find a guy attractive then I don’t reply...even if he sends me a message to make comedians cry with laughter, I’m starting to think that maybe I should give these men an opportunity to prove that there is more to life than looks, but if I don’t find a guy hot then I will far too happily shove him into the friend zone and from my experience this ends in tears (theirs…) seriously men are such pussies!

I may come across as a bit of a bitch sometimes and as my mother so lovingly put “you’re getting to an age now where you can’t afford to be fussy” excuse me? I’m 22…I think I’ve got a few good years left in me yet! My ass has honestly never looked better and my boobs, well they deserve some kind of medal for the work they do each day defying gravity! Okay my tummy is hit or miss, sometimes it could give underwear models competition, other days it has the ability to appear pregnant and I'm offered to sit down on busy trains…I like to think it has a personality but in reality it’s more closely tied to my relationship with wine and pizza…worth it.

This has happened to me more than once...

So yes I may come across as a bit of a bitch but shockingly I do reply to some men…I know! At the moment I have about five guys in the ‘potential date arena’ and they are quite the mixture, although they all have similar personalities and are able to take my banter, brave men! I will update you on the progress of these boys in the future, including how they managed to send me a message that didn't make me want to kick them in the goolies!

To be honest five out of about five-hundred potential guys is a little fussy…I can admit that! But I am struggling with my inner whore-demon! I really want to find myself a decent guy who I can spend time with chatting, chilling, laughing, fucking but oh god does the whore-demon make some good points sometimes…right now she’s telling me it is a wonderful idea to let my guy friend/previous fuckbuddy come stay with me next week as he keeps hinting for an invite, I am very tempted as he is hilarious, a favourite pastime of his was to shout “nice boobs!” across the canteen and then of course I could only reply with “nice dick!” yeah he is a bit of a knob in reality…why do I always like the cocky little shits?

Some sexytimes would be very nice, I want to say yes but there is a problem other than my dream of a being a good girl, the problem is that he started seeing one of my good friends for a few weeks recently but being the selfish heartless bitch she is, she got bored of him. Great what’s the issue then? Well she is a crazy bunny boiler, one of these girls that if she touches a guy then her name is automatically tattooed on their head for life. Hmm problem. I really can’t be bothered with the drama…oh but she didn’t care that I had a thing with him first I hear you say? Well apparently girl code doesn’t apply to slags such as myself. Seriously sluts never get any respect!

I think I lost the point of this post but no worries…over the next week we will go into detail about the four types of message I listed above with some wonderful examples from the lads online. That’s something to look forward to! And I promise I am going to try harder to love the world and give even the revoltingly ugly people a chance, but not the moustache people! NEVER THE MOUSTACHE PEOPLE!

Mr. Stalker Moustache Man Part 2

Stalker moustache man strikes again!…if you don't know what I'm talking about take a little detour trip to a previous post.

Am I worried? Hell no! Right now I'm just really fucking amused with him!

Sent: Wed, 29 Jun
From: ****
Subject: have you...
...ever tried an australian kiss?

Okay this one does concern me a little...he really needs to start reading my blog posts, wednesday's would have been extremely helpful. Doesn't he know I write an online dating blog!?

If he was a proper stalker he would put more effort in! Mrs. Pickle said that she has a magnet on her fridge: "technically he is not a stalker until after he catches you" so honestly this dude should try and find out where I live, kidnap my pet unicorn Barry then hold him hostage until I agree to jump on his penis (stalker dudes not Barrys). Now that would grab my attention. I doubt he has even gone to the lengths of what Arlequín  suggested i.e. that "he probably spent hours making up a 'you' wallpaper, complete with fade in/out pics from your profile and suitably romantic songs" he is a lazy bastard to be completely honest. No wonder I haven't replied.

Sent: Fri, 1 Jul
From: ****
Subject: if you...
...don't start talking i'm going to have to spank you.

Clearly he believes being a kinky little shit is more my taste, I'm starting to think I should change my profile, I must look like some kind of nymphomaniac, if this poetic dreamworld moustache man thinks I'm a whore then it must be true!

From: ****
Subject: I just...
...can't get rid of you can i? I think you have a crush on me.

Ahh shit he caught me! How does he know! I've played it so cool yet clearly my animal lust is still raging through my silent ignorance towards him, damn!

I've got to the point where I'm incredibly tempted to reply, just so I can see his reaction although I'm worried his balls may blow up in shocked excitement...

Keep it in your pants people

I love a guy who is honest. I love a guy who takes control. I love a guy who can grab my attention.

I do not love a guy who thinks sending me one of the following messages is a good idea…

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis (normally I remove the usernames for the sake of anonymity but I feel that they only add to horror show this time)
u wanna hav sum hard dirty sex??

Oh yes please, I have always dreamed of having dirty sex with a random off the internet! Let’s meet up now! I can’t wait any longer! SEX MEEEE HARDDD!!!!! Seriously what does this idiot expect me to reply with?

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis
WOW what i wood like 2 do 2 u.... Hmmmmmm

Same guy as above but a day later, clearly he believed a slightly different tactic would work…is the use of “wood” showing his intellectual witty side? Doubt it.

Also men pay attention: text speak equals chav and are you a chav? No!? Well don’t use it then! And if you are a chav…dreadfully sorry...holla sup 2 de kids Lambrini n Mercedes, ure trackysuit is lookin wel fit like n pls dnt stab us bro!…

I’m not sure if you have chavs in America and the rest of the world? Therefore here is a beautiful flock of the common chav, for more information watch Little Britain and wait for Vicky Pollard to appear...

Subject: Hi
From: mrblond74
id give you a ride you would never forget lol

Umm…so...is this guy a pervert or a comedian? Adding “lol” to the end doesn’t make it a joke, it just makes you a retard.

From: randyfkr
Subject: Hi
Hi, nice photos, I do like pussys. Randy xx

I think it’s important to mention that the sender of this message was 67…I don’t think I need to say much more…disgusted to be honest. Sorry but I don’t have any Daddy issues or rather Grandaddy issues in this case…other women may like the grey haired, viagra dependent, arthritic types but it's just not for me...

Subject: Hi
From: luckybastard
ribbit better gis a kiss and see ;oP

The best of a bad bunch, I mentioned something about Prince Charming in my profile so he was being creative but I can safely say that this dude is not going to be a lucky bastard like his name suggests.

Okay I understand that some people are on dating sites for the sex, nothing wrong with that, but there isn’t anything on my profile that suggests I'm only logging on to keep my foofy entertained! So why do I keep getting these messages? Do I look like a common slag who is definitely DTF? And if it’s not sexual propositions I’m getting then it’s ridiculous poems…I received another one yesterday AND a message from stalker moustache man 25 days after his last attempt…dude it’s really time to give the fuck up!

The worse thing about the above messages is that they are actually not the most offensive...the truly awful ones I've been sent I wouldn't even force my most hated enemy to read...well that's a lie, right now I would probably send them her address and tell them she has a kidnap fetish...joking! Probably...

So men, how can you sit at your computer, write out these messages and think “I am sooo going to get me some pussy when the ladies read this! Damn I'm a creative charming motherfucker!” Honestly are you that much of an idiot? Would you go up to a woman in the street and say the same thing? Actually it wouldn't surprise me if some of these guys would...people are weird.

You can't make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Seriously nobody likes a stalker (unless you are a vampire...then apparently it's fine. No, dressing up as a vampire does not count. No.).

When I first joined one of the dating sites I received this message:

Subject: Hi i'm ****
i would like to here the lady GaGa story, if your willing to tell it.

Ignoring the awful confusion between here and hear (man is clearly an idiot…) at this point I would have probably replied to him; it was one of the first messages I received, he took a genuine interest in my profile (normally two thumbs up) and I was still in my slightly naïve sweet phase…thankfully his profile picture deterred me. He had a moustache. We all know that only Italians and pirates can look hot with moustaches! Everyone else is a rapist, serial killer or German pornstar.

The Italian football team...oh hello there boys!

That message was sent in the 5th of June…the next day this began:

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: what?
are yoy realy that shy that you dont want to e-mail back?

I wonder if he can actually read, maybe he is in fact a blind man, I mean that would explain the moustache as well as the appalling spelling. Am I being a bitch to a poor visually impaired man? Ooh I wonder if he has a dog, I really like dogs...

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: when you get board
when you get board of talking to yourself, come and talk to me.

Hmmm again confusion of 'board' and 'bored', maybe there is some joke I'm not getting...what could the board represent…or maybe he is really that dumb and would struggle to outwit a retarded hedgehog...I'm going to guess he's an idiot, I mean does he honestly believe a hot little piece of arse like me wouldn't have anyone to talk to? Perlease!!

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you prefer if i wrote you a poem
O shy girl, o shy girl what is thy name, my name is **** my quest is in vein,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name, so that i may stop being this lame,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name whisper it softly so i know who to blame.

Oh no please tell me he didn’t just send me a poem! If you don’t already know my thoughts on poems then you should check out this post.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I have obviously got your attention
so what is it? are you affraid to talk back? or is it because you are affraid you might enjoy it?

Yes you have my attention. Yes I am afraid (notice the spelling moronface). I can safely say I would not enjoy it. EVER.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I was wrong
I thought you were on flirt, to at least talk and make new friends.

English is probably not his first language…yeah that would explain all the mistakes, okay I shall forgive him and hope he's goes away now, English is my first language and I still struggle most of the bloody time, yep no need to be mean.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you like to chat
nothing more just chat.

I think someones not getting the hint? I do not want to chat, that is why I do not reply.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: you do relise...
That eventualy you will crack, and i will get at least 2 words out of you, and yes i do relise they could start with f & o.

I mean seriously, does this dude not have spellcheck? I do appreciate his humour here though...and oh god the temptation of replying "fuck off"...it is the same kind of "just do it feeling" I get after 3 bottles of wine when a naked man jumps into my bed (and we all know what happens then...), but NO! He is basically a toddler throwing his toys around for attention. I will not give in.

Sent: Thu, 9 Jun
From: ****
Subject: this is the last one and i have a question
Why do you feel so uncomfortable about e-mailing me? What happend to make you so timid?

Umm why do I feel uncomfortable with replying?…umm take a wild fucking guess mate. Not only can you not spell, you have shit grammar and you wrote a poem!!! You are an actual stalker.

I never did reply and thank god he gave up! Although I do worry that one day I will find him camping outside my window, in the bushes with the suicidal birds that now inhabit the area…

In respect for the guy he grabbed my attention and that should be a good thing but out of all the attention seeking styles…this is definitely NOT the way to do it. I mean can anyone say desperate?!

So what did we learn today? DON'T BE A STALKER! If a woman isn't replying it's because she is not interested in you, clearly she has terrible taste because you are a catch! But forgive her ignorance, move on and leave her alone.

Everyone's A Poet

Completely unrelated photo I know...but it's funny and the poem pictures were rubbish man!

Poems.

Poems.

Poems.

Umm yes, so poems.

What can I say? I’m sure you are sat at your computer, thinking of wonderful romantic ways of wooing the women and OF COURSE! It is so simple! A poem! Yes the women will be throwing their panties at you once you copy and paste some badly selected rhyming shit into their inbox. Sorted. Now sit back and watch that pussy role in, girls are suckers for romance right? NO. NO. NO!

Naïve women will perhaps get a flutter in their tummy or somewhere downstairs reading a poem but honestly in my opinion there is no personal touch. Maybe if you include my name, add something from my profile, WRITE IT YOURSELF, then who knows?

Poems are so awkward. AWKWARD. Two weeks ago a friend shared some of his poems AND the inspiration behind them with me…it took all my willpower to hold in my laughter…I managed an “awww how lovely” before I shoved wine into my face…I was praying he wouldn’t mention them again but he continued and attempted to ask me questions…my head was screaming "don’t laugh! And why did you choose wine? Wine is completely the wrong drink! You should have known! You stupid heartless immature child! There is only so long you can gulp down wine without wanting to become a little vomcano!"…thankfully I finished my glass, leapt to my feet and declared “oh I am out of wine, I shall go get us another bottle! Why don’t you show her *pointing at my friend* your poems?” The look on her face was amazing, something out of a cartoon when a piano is about to fall on your face; oh yes we were out in a group…I know…the other people at the table had all turned away and left me to deal with the wannabe poet but oh no bitches! It’s your turn now muahahahaa!!!!! Luckily the other guy with us told him to put his poems away and stop ruining the banter…yes so poems are so awkwardly awful for the every situation…I feel I have to admit that I slept with poem dude later that night...but that was a completely drunken douche of a decision and was definitely in spite of the poems than because of them…FML

Anyway here is the last poem I received online, if I pretended to read it then you can too!

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.


I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.


You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.


We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.


We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.


Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.


Love
x

Skimmed it? All I got was “lie on the ground, just you and me, wet, pink, thinking, that one special place,” umm what?! Maybe poems aren’t meant to be read that quickly…whatever, there was no way in hell I was replying to the the creator/copier. This is definitely the kind of guy who would meet me, skin my head, then use my hair to dress his cats.

The Most Common Mistake

Subject: Hi!
Really very beatiful and cute..I am ****.And you?Where are you from sweet girl?

Subject: .
Wouldn't mind some of that! ;o)

Subject: hey
lovely pics how are you? fancy a chat **** from **** :)))

Subject: hi
nice pics why this

Subject: x
hey ya i like ya pics ;)xx

Subject: Hey! Wow! U look so perfect -I don't know what to say :)
Fancy having a good flirting session with me?

Subject: hey sexy
Wow u are stunning, fancy a chat?

These are the most common types of messages I get.

Ignore the awful spelling, the use of textinglish and the annoying amount of “hi” “hello” “hey” in the message subject title! Actually I can't ignore that...NEVER and I mean NEVER put "hi...!" it is sooo lazy and makes me want to stab you in the testicles! It doesn’t take much effort to add something a little different does it? Also some sites have "suggested messages" or "fast flirts" DO NOT TOUCH THEM! Most women will be able to recognise these pieces of crap after a day or two of joining and they are simply pathetic! Do you not have enough brain cells to rub together and write your own message?!

Anyway back to my initial point...

Obviously the men of the internet have never seen a woman before and so it's reasonable not to expect the highest quality of message to be created as they jizz in their pants but seriously?

So you think I look good in my photos? Well so do I…that is why I posted them after all! (I read somewhere that you will never look as bad as your drivers license and never as good as your facebook profile picture...I think this applies to online dating profile photos too, everyone is going to choose their best pics...yes ladies those awful pictures are what the male behind them considers to be his most attractive shots...I know...run now...run faster).

A compliment is nice but it’s pretty clear that there isn’t much more to these guys than “wow you are hot, want to have some fun...aka they call me Fred Flinstone coz I can make your bed rock...aka I’m a caveman with the intelligence and social skills of a dead dinosaur…at least those are my thoughts.

Now it’s not as if the guys above aren’t attractive, some of them are extremely fit and I would definitely stalk them in a club if my drunken horn was out to play! But I have had two years of sex with guys that are best friends with their mirrors and their idea of a thrilling conversation is "don't my abs look great today?" "I'm feeling so hench, I just got a new PB at the gym!" and when they aren't talking about themselves they are focusing their deep as a puddle personality on me..."You're looking so fit today, wanna fuck?" deep and meaningful right?…I mean I don’t mind a compliment…well that’s a lie…my insecurities aren’t helpful in flirting and relationships…anybody know if there’s a book out there “how to accept a compliment for dummies”? I could really do with reading it!

Basically all I'm saying guys is please don't focus purely on a woman's pictures, try to start an interesting conversation instead! Of course it's good to chuck in a compliment or two but don't make it the bloody focus!!!