Whoreface Friday: I stole a future husband from my friend, while at a gay club...

I was going to write about duck necrophilia today as a beer for the shower requested but want to chat about my weekend instead so will save that for another Friday.

Saturday was a complete fucking failure and a half, due to what I now realise was my monthly 'crazy bitch before the bloodstorm' moment, I had a little…okay incredibly massive falling out with a ridiculously annoying mental bitch I met in London, causing my friend and I to be kicked out onto the streets with buggerall money. I'm a genius when arguing and told the bitch that there would be “karmic retribution” and that I would write her name on my arm saying that she “killed me” then get murdered so that she would be arrested…yeah I’m so logical! (Did I mention I was completely fucking drunk?) My friends just laughed at me, apparently I’m ditzy even when I’m angry. I’m actually scary! Grrr! See.

Anyway the two of us walked around London all night trying to figure out how to get home with no money. I eventually managed to blag a free train ride home at 8am and slept for the entire day.

I woke up at 9pm to find I had lots of missed calls and two voicemails from DK…one of which basically said he was coming up here and I should get myself prepared…does he think I’m a booty call? I’m not. I phoned him back and he wasn’t in the best of moods…honestly I have no fucking clue what is going on with DK, he phones me everyday and we chat for literally ages, he gets really flirty then asks me advice on girls, I’m trying my best to focus on just being really awesome friends but he makes it so difficult! Seriously why was he pissed off?

My gay friend then appeared and wanted to go out drinking, he offered to treat me to a night out, I was wide awake so thought fuck it! I jumped into the shower threw together my sluttyself in about 20 minutes (benefits of being a girl that often goes out with just the guys, they rarely give you 'getting pretty' time and will leave if you’re not ready!). We destroyed a big bottle of vodka and then set off to the gaynight at our favourite club.

My friend hates camp guys; he’s camp enough alone…so we were looking for a straight acting gay guy or a straight guy…yeah Bruce is a predator. We spotted a guy that was absolutely gorgeous and so tall! He was a better looking version of a guy I liked last year but never got to fuck (I will have to tell you that story…it’s a good one) anyway I am a genius wingman but less than subtle in the approach. I decided to “accidently” mistake the fitface giant for this other guy, so shouted the wrong name and waved at him, who could bloody believe it but it worked!

While Brucey flirted his little heart out I distracted the little ugly friend, damn I’m a good wingman I even had to look at photos of his fugly girlfriend “ooh she’s so pretty! You’re such a lucky guy!” I’m so damn good. Now something to note is that at all times my hands were full of two double vodka and cokes…we got through £80 of drink in about 4 hours plus the predrinking vodka…I was beyond fucked and I’m not entirely sure what happened next…

Barely related picture made me laugh. Deal with it.

My friend disappeared and I think the ugly friend did too…the hot lookalike started chatting to me…by chatting I mean snogging…oops…I think this is yet another example of how playing hard to get works, I hadn’t chatted to this guy all night while my friend played out his best game. I won. Oh and the dude was named Ash which caused me to sing the pokemon theme tune to him…I should write a pickup book!

The three of us left, don’t ask where the ugly friend went. I don’t have a fucking clue. My friend was less than impressed with the situation and apparently I stole his “future husband” and “I’m a back stabbing hoe she” it’s not my fault I’m irresistible and can even get a guy in a gayclub.

I went back to my room with Ash and things started getting a little heated and damn the guy had a fucking good body, I swear there was not an ounce of fat on him just pure muscle, it was weird, I quite like something a bit cuddly on a man to be honest…I'm so fussy! Then Bruce burst in the door! I think he shouted something along the lines of “whore!” at me then “ooh hello” at Ash before storming out…I should really learn to lock doors, this happens far too often…

Now the dude was hot, he had a very generously size penis but damn I was fucking drunk. While I was on top riding him like a racehorse the world started to spin like I was on the waltzers…I jumped off and…then I woke up the next day…yep I’m pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to change positions…oops? I actually felt so bad!

Bruce made me feel worse. “Did you even give him a blow job?!” Unusually for me I didn’t… “You didn’t deserve him! You wasted him! I would have given him an amazing night and you fell asleep!” “I’m sorry? The next time we go to the gay club I will let you have the guy”…Bruce still doesn’t find me funny and even after asking him not to tell DK about the incident he sent him a message saying I shagged his man just to be a bitch. No fair. Apparently I was calling Ash the wrong name all night and I totally didn’t have a clue what he was called when I woke up…far too reminiscent of my old whoring days…I desperately need to get myself a man before I become 'The Slag' again. Right now my brain wants that man to be DK but that’s never going to happen, I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable situation where he gets a girlfriend and is no longer allowed to talk to me.

Introducing Whoreface Fridays

I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Yes.”
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.

When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.

Community Property

This picture is totally relevant further on in the post...

So I feel it is my responsibility to tell you all that I will be MIA in the blogosphere until Saturday…why you ask?!? Well I’m going to be having loads of sex this week until eventually my cumbucket falls off…not really…well actually I’m not sure, I have certain "opportunities" in the next few days but I’m really trying to battle my inner slutbag, unfortunately the whore normally wins when there’s vodka involved and I want to make vodka jelly. My vodka jelly has been described as more dangerous than rohypnol before...should be a good week YAY PENIS.

Anyway I won’t be posting until Saturday because I have a sexy ladyfriend coming to stay with me and we want to go adventuring for a few days. We’ve managed to convince my neighbour we are lesbians. I hate my neighbour. She’s the most evil bitch in the entire world; she recently told me that I should work like a proper masters student “well excuse me if I’m too fucking clever to work all the time! It’s not my fault I’m hot, awesome and intelligent!” Brave woman to think asking three drunken idiots in a room screaming along to Steel Panther to keep it quiet “we will be as loud as we want until 11, that’s the law, the halls law!!! Every minute you waste of our time goes into your time! PLEASE PLEASE TRY TO FINE ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE OLD MAN!!!” stupid cow should learn her place, nothing worse than an antisocial idiot who looks like an old man, acts like the queen and has a favourite hobby of getting me into the shit.

I was on a bitch of a mission to shout at all the bastards on my campus that night, including pervert man who has naked pictures of me because he is a creepy stalker pervert (it wasn’t my best idea to go streaking…I blame Captain Morgan for that one! Told you the picture at the beginning was relevant...), I faintly remember shouting at him that he was a disgusting pervert and deserved to be raped by a necrophiliac (big word when you’re drunk…) duck, it’s not as random as it sounds, I studied duck necrophilia at uni…see completely normal.

Back to the point of the post. I feel it is my duty to apoligise for choosing real life over my favourite bunch of sexpest readers, in your honour I’m open to suggestions on how I can make it up to you! If any are awesome enough I will totally try my best to do them, I love a dare.