Whoreface Friday: Another one of those DK stories...

Saturday night was a big one, Scottish had invited me and my friend (who happens to be a girl, yeah I have female friends too) out with the guys, DK said he “might come” but I wasn’t going to force him…although I probably asked him a few too many times…what?...

The guys started drinking at around 11am because they are mental, DK was working until late and the ladyfriend had to feed the pigs, I didn’t really fancy spending an entire day drinking so made some excuse why I couldn’t go around until later.

The guys phoned me up at 6ish to get more beer and cigarettes, being a good little girl I provided for them, I’m going to be a great wife. Me and the lady got whored up and off we went. I got a phone call from DK to say he was coming out but wouldn’t be there until 10.30, he asked where we were and where I was staying, I told him I was staying at my place, he then asked where he was staying “wherever you want” so he decided he was staying at mine…(ooh I wonder where this story will end up? It’s like a mystery…) the house was about 2 minutes drive away from my place so DK said he would park at mine and I had to drive over and meet him, he was aware of the fact I was already completely fucked on rum…but 2 minutes in the countryside drink driving isn’t the worst thing.

At 10pm the minibus arrived outside the house even though Scottish (DK's best friend apparently) knew he wouldn’t be there, I said I would go back to mine and meet DK, this is the point one of the guys decided to pick me up and throw me into the bus, oh fuck. DK phoned to say he was about 10 minutes away, oh fuck! Somehow I ended up taking another taxi back home to meet him. I’m such a fucking mug.

Met up with DK and we managed to find Scottish in town, but the ladyfriend and the boys were missing, we decided to solve the problem with jagerbombs and shots. We got so drunk we didn’t even care that we couldn’t find them and instead another female friend of mine and her boyfriend magically appeared.

More drinking, Scottish was turned away from a club, more drinking, lost the female and her boyfriend, more drinking, got with a blackman, more drinking, DK dragged me away from the blackman, more drinking, guys kept hitting on me and then apologising to DK as they “didn’t realize I had a boyfriend” “he’s not my boyfriend” DK didn’t really say much…

We finally left the club and went back to the guys house, I may have broken…okay smashed a table into teeny pieces when I fell over…oops, I’m more dangerous than a fucking blind elephant sometimes. One of the guys appeared and fell into bed, we then realized my car was blocking in everyone and I had left the keys at my place, shit, so I needed to walk back get the keys then move my car, yes I was still fucking drunk…

I set off home with DK, promising to be back soon, as we navigated through the back of my campus through the trees and bushes an idea may have occurred…I’m not sure who initiated it (probably me to be honest...such a whore) but yeah I totally shagged DK outside on the grass with only a few trees between us and the road, it was fucking awesome! I mean sooo good! But yeah I had sex with DK again, damn my hungry vagina!

We got back to mine eventually, I grabbed my car keys changed out of my heels into cowboy boots (don't ask why I took this decision) and set off, DK offered to come with me but it was already like 5am and he had to work so I told him to go to bed. I obviously looked like a prostitute roaming the countryside in my boots and ass grazing miniskirt...so awful. When I got back to the guys house all the guys were there and gave me a cheer, I almost wonder if they thought a stripper had turned up…I drove home and realised that I didn’t have keys to get into my room. Oh fucking fuck and DK sleeps like a deadman, I had to climb in through my window, I forgot about this until I noticed the massive scratches on my legs…ooh classy!

I woke up this morning to find an arm around me, not going to lie that made me smile! I’m such a girl, DK ignored about a hundred beeps of the most annoying fucking alarm in the world, I hate iphones and they need to die, that noise is horrid. Eventually he got up said bye and drove off home leaving me to enjoy the disaster of a hangover alone, sat on the bathroom floor clutching a bottle of water hoping it will just end is so beautiful, also I learnt a lesson” don’t drink water while lying down, it will explode onto your face and try to drown you, it’s scary!

Whoreface Friday: This is why I'm single...

DK is a massive knob (and not because he has one).

Last Saturday I went out with him and a bunch of the guys, it was a bloody good night! I didn’t spend anything thanks to the generosity of the boys and I managed to get completely fuckerdoodled. I know not to drink shots, jagerbombs, beer, cider and all that shit because it fucks me up but did it anyway…

When DK asked me to go he said that I could come providing I didn’t “cramp his style” what a fucking douche. Like he has any style to cramp? So I was out to make a point and not touch him all night.

We arrived and my favourite Scotsman was there waiting, he ran over grabbed me and went for his usual motorboat, the guys who didn’t know me looked pretty shocked…I assured them this was normal behaviour. I was told to down a glass of rum and coke then given a shot of jager, a fucking big shot, then a beer was shoved in my hand when we jumped in the taxi…oh yeah this was going to be a good night. In the taxi apparently I slapped DK, the reason I am unsure of and the Scottish shoved his penis in my face. Yes this was definitely going to be an epic night.

Fast forward to the final club of the night and damn I was drunk. We were stood outside and Scottish leant in for a kiss, I pushed him away. We do not do that; he is definitely not my type at all. His friend then did the same, I think I kissed him before thinking "oh fuck" and wondered off to chat to a bouncer I had befriended.

I’m not sure how it happened but I spent the majority of the night with the Australian friend who was fairly hot, we danced like sluts, we played some tonsil tennis and spent most of the night away from the rest of the guys only stopping occasionally to laugh at their atrocious pick up techniques.

Australians are hot and Ryan Kwanten is my favourite one of the moment

Australian disappeared for a while so I was stood with DK, Scottish and another friend. I don’t remember this (DK told me). It seems Scottish went in for a second attempt at getting with me and again I pushed him away, DK then turned to the other friend and said “watch this” then of course kissed me. I honestly hate the fucker but damn I like him too much…I’m such an idiot.

The Australian returned and eventually we left the club, the guys had some whores with them who stupidly jumped in the taxi. The men had lost interest in their sluts as soon as they bought their kebabs…plus I expect they didn’t look as great in a lit street as they did in a dark club. As we set off back to the house the girls seemed confused, the guys had told them they were going to a party somewhere, so they asked me what was going on, I’m a nice person so explained the situation and believe it was resolved…

I’m not entirely sure about the sequence of events leading up to the next moment but I was embarrassingly drunk. I somehow ended up sleeping with DK…. I KNOW I AM A FUCKTARD AND DESERVE ALL I GET. I honestly couldn’t understand how it happened. I was happily getting with my Australian, how had DK pulled a robbery? Well…I just found out. It seems that I told DK at some point in the club when he tried it on, that I wasn’t going to touch him as I “didn’t want to cramp his style” (me bitter? Never…) and he could do whatever he wanted, I’m not one of those needy girls, I could get with anyone and didn’t need him. At least something along those lines... It seems this annoyed dear DK and he decided to sleep with me to prove a point: that he basically has ownership over me or some shit. I am a little pissed off.

I am so aware that he uses me and it’s not fair. When I try to get over him he does shit like this? I just can’t help the fact that I really like him even though I’m aware nothing will ever come from it except some immense heartache. It would be easy to get over him but he phones me and we talk for a couple hours everyday fucking day! Last night he phoned me with the intention of phone sex, I basically told him to go fuck himself. I get it in my head that we are just friends and then he tries shit like that? Damning hell what is going on? Why do I always like the douchebags? I hate myself sometimes.

Back to the morning after the night before I woke up to find a mans arm around me...DK doesn't cuddle me even though he likes to snuggle because he "doesn't want to lead me on" a bit fucking late don't you think? One of the other guys had drunkenly stumbled into bed between DK and myself and snuggled in, it was pretty cute and I do like cuddles! DK was less impressed and told him in a few words to fuck off, I said it was fine but DK eventually kicked him out the room...

Story of my life

A little while later, the Australian, the Scottish and the Snuggler all turned up, they were still fucking drunk. The Aussie decided to attempt a dancing strip show, it didn't work because in his words "he wasn't drunk enough"...he then fell over. They then decided it was a great idea to shoot an ornamental bird with a gun while the Scottish held it, luckily no one died except the bird. Next DK was dragged out of bed and there was a crash in the hallway, they managed to break the banisters...luckily the snuggler found some orange netting to fix it...yeah that worked! DK drove us home pretty soon after...

Whoreface Friday: I stole a future husband from my friend, while at a gay club...

I was going to write about duck necrophilia today as a beer for the shower requested but want to chat about my weekend instead so will save that for another Friday.

Saturday was a complete fucking failure and a half, due to what I now realise was my monthly 'crazy bitch before the bloodstorm' moment, I had a little…okay incredibly massive falling out with a ridiculously annoying mental bitch I met in London, causing my friend and I to be kicked out onto the streets with buggerall money. I'm a genius when arguing and told the bitch that there would be “karmic retribution” and that I would write her name on my arm saying that she “killed me” then get murdered so that she would be arrested…yeah I’m so logical! (Did I mention I was completely fucking drunk?) My friends just laughed at me, apparently I’m ditzy even when I’m angry. I’m actually scary! Grrr! See.

Anyway the two of us walked around London all night trying to figure out how to get home with no money. I eventually managed to blag a free train ride home at 8am and slept for the entire day.

I woke up at 9pm to find I had lots of missed calls and two voicemails from DK…one of which basically said he was coming up here and I should get myself prepared…does he think I’m a booty call? I’m not. I phoned him back and he wasn’t in the best of moods…honestly I have no fucking clue what is going on with DK, he phones me everyday and we chat for literally ages, he gets really flirty then asks me advice on girls, I’m trying my best to focus on just being really awesome friends but he makes it so difficult! Seriously why was he pissed off?

My gay friend then appeared and wanted to go out drinking, he offered to treat me to a night out, I was wide awake so thought fuck it! I jumped into the shower threw together my sluttyself in about 20 minutes (benefits of being a girl that often goes out with just the guys, they rarely give you 'getting pretty' time and will leave if you’re not ready!). We destroyed a big bottle of vodka and then set off to the gaynight at our favourite club.

My friend hates camp guys; he’s camp enough alone…so we were looking for a straight acting gay guy or a straight guy…yeah Bruce is a predator. We spotted a guy that was absolutely gorgeous and so tall! He was a better looking version of a guy I liked last year but never got to fuck (I will have to tell you that story…it’s a good one) anyway I am a genius wingman but less than subtle in the approach. I decided to “accidently” mistake the fitface giant for this other guy, so shouted the wrong name and waved at him, who could bloody believe it but it worked!

While Brucey flirted his little heart out I distracted the little ugly friend, damn I’m a good wingman I even had to look at photos of his fugly girlfriend “ooh she’s so pretty! You’re such a lucky guy!” I’m so damn good. Now something to note is that at all times my hands were full of two double vodka and cokes…we got through £80 of drink in about 4 hours plus the predrinking vodka…I was beyond fucked and I’m not entirely sure what happened next…

Barely related picture made me laugh. Deal with it.

My friend disappeared and I think the ugly friend did too…the hot lookalike started chatting to me…by chatting I mean snogging…oops…I think this is yet another example of how playing hard to get works, I hadn’t chatted to this guy all night while my friend played out his best game. I won. Oh and the dude was named Ash which caused me to sing the pokemon theme tune to him…I should write a pickup book!

The three of us left, don’t ask where the ugly friend went. I don’t have a fucking clue. My friend was less than impressed with the situation and apparently I stole his “future husband” and “I’m a back stabbing hoe she” it’s not my fault I’m irresistible and can even get a guy in a gayclub.

I went back to my room with Ash and things started getting a little heated and damn the guy had a fucking good body, I swear there was not an ounce of fat on him just pure muscle, it was weird, I quite like something a bit cuddly on a man to be honest…I'm so fussy! Then Bruce burst in the door! I think he shouted something along the lines of “whore!” at me then “ooh hello” at Ash before storming out…I should really learn to lock doors, this happens far too often…

Now the dude was hot, he had a very generously size penis but damn I was fucking drunk. While I was on top riding him like a racehorse the world started to spin like I was on the waltzers…I jumped off and…then I woke up the next day…yep I’m pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to change positions…oops? I actually felt so bad!

Bruce made me feel worse. “Did you even give him a blow job?!” Unusually for me I didn’t… “You didn’t deserve him! You wasted him! I would have given him an amazing night and you fell asleep!” “I’m sorry? The next time we go to the gay club I will let you have the guy”…Bruce still doesn’t find me funny and even after asking him not to tell DK about the incident he sent him a message saying I shagged his man just to be a bitch. No fair. Apparently I was calling Ash the wrong name all night and I totally didn’t have a clue what he was called when I woke up…far too reminiscent of my old whoring days…I desperately need to get myself a man before I become 'The Slag' again. Right now my brain wants that man to be DK but that’s never going to happen, I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable situation where he gets a girlfriend and is no longer allowed to talk to me.

Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.

Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…

An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.

I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…

Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…

YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really embarrassed...it wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

Whoreface Friday for Maxwell: Potato, Bucket and High Heels

Maxwell: "I would like to hear a story where a potato, a bucket, and enormously high heels all play a key role. Your choice on how they are integrated."

I had a little think and well I’ve tried my best to find the most relevant story, I can’t be bothered to make shit up so just deal with what I give you.

For Maxwell…

It’s a Wednesday so of course that means it’s time to get drunk and act like an idiot. My best friend who happens to be Irish had left the day before so I was ridiculous sad, in her honour we decided to get completely fucked and play the potato game: you shout potato in your best Irish accent. It’s less of a game and more of a bunch of easily amused drunken idiots shouting stuff…I feel we really honoured the Irish, the Irish doesn’t agree.

We dressed up in our best slagtastic costumes where high heels are of course a necessity! Still communicating by few words other than potato we stormed into the club, immediately the stairs attacked us! Yes attacked! I managed to survive thanks to my ninja skills however my friend became injured, pathetic. She still has a chunk of her leg missing to this day, she calls it a war wound, I call it learn to walk in heels you fucking retard. Heels really don’t like her, one made an escape for freedom recently in a taxi and she came home like a wonky donkey with only a single shoe…I feel sorry for the lost heel, the taxi driver is probably wanking over it, poor jizz stained heel, all alone in the world...

Fast forward through the night and everything is great, I’m drunk but still have vision (a rare event), then it happens…I don't know why but DK pissed me off, I’m pretty sure he was being a douchebag and I got mad (he probably ignored my attempts to fuck him...) in anger I charged over to the bar like a wild animal and ordered a line up of vodka shots...bam bam bam bam!!! I chucked those little fuckers back my throat. Done.

Surprisingly an hour later I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Shocking. I have a lovely memory of running to the toilets and chundering all over my boobs…great I could really have done with a BUCKET (I know grasping at straws but what?!). I managed to clean myself up…I think…and got some gum off the toilet attendant, one strip for £1! Was she actually kidding me?! Still this is the woman that made my friend pay £1 for a teeny plaster when I nearly chopped my finger off with a bottle and the bathroom looked like something out of the chainsaw massacre…maybe she can only count in pounds...I stumbled out of the toilets and there was a face I recognised waiting for me…a sort of acquaintance…oh shit did he see my vomcano? I bambi’ed over to him and uttered the sexiest sentence to ever exit my mouth… “do I smell like sick?” it was hot enough that he took me home and we played hide the penis…yeah that's how you pull people! Ask them if you smell like sick! I expect the leftover vom on my boobs probably gave the boys a lovely glistening effect...so yes another classy night.

Not the most exciting story I know but a little taster from my life, if you have any suggestions on a topic for future Whoreface Fridays that's awesome! I promise normally I'm not that disgusting, I barely ever get sick...

Introducing Whoreface Fridays

I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Yes.”
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.

When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.