Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.

Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…

An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.

I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…

Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…

YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really embarrassed...it wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

Community Property

This picture is totally relevant further on in the post...

So I feel it is my responsibility to tell you all that I will be MIA in the blogosphere until Saturday…why you ask?!? Well I’m going to be having loads of sex this week until eventually my cumbucket falls off…not really…well actually I’m not sure, I have certain "opportunities" in the next few days but I’m really trying to battle my inner slutbag, unfortunately the whore normally wins when there’s vodka involved and I want to make vodka jelly. My vodka jelly has been described as more dangerous than rohypnol before...should be a good week YAY PENIS.

Anyway I won’t be posting until Saturday because I have a sexy ladyfriend coming to stay with me and we want to go adventuring for a few days. We’ve managed to convince my neighbour we are lesbians. I hate my neighbour. She’s the most evil bitch in the entire world; she recently told me that I should work like a proper masters student “well excuse me if I’m too fucking clever to work all the time! It’s not my fault I’m hot, awesome and intelligent!” Brave woman to think asking three drunken idiots in a room screaming along to Steel Panther to keep it quiet “we will be as loud as we want until 11, that’s the law, the halls law!!! Every minute you waste of our time goes into your time! PLEASE PLEASE TRY TO FINE ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE OLD MAN!!!” stupid cow should learn her place, nothing worse than an antisocial idiot who looks like an old man, acts like the queen and has a favourite hobby of getting me into the shit.

I was on a bitch of a mission to shout at all the bastards on my campus that night, including pervert man who has naked pictures of me because he is a creepy stalker pervert (it wasn’t my best idea to go streaking…I blame Captain Morgan for that one! Told you the picture at the beginning was relevant...), I faintly remember shouting at him that he was a disgusting pervert and deserved to be raped by a necrophiliac (big word when you’re drunk…) duck, it’s not as random as it sounds, I studied duck necrophilia at uni…see completely normal.

Back to the point of the post. I feel it is my duty to apoligise for choosing real life over my favourite bunch of sexpest readers, in your honour I’m open to suggestions on how I can make it up to you! If any are awesome enough I will totally try my best to do them, I love a dare.