The Online "Personal Ad"

It's important to have standards...

Today we are going to be looking at yet another common personal message. The “personal ad”.

I’m going to admit that these are not the worst messages to receive, they give some insight into the person sending them which is good, but they probably piss me off more than the ‘wow you are hot!” messages...at least those are entertaining and about me! Yes I am a self obsessed attention seeker, why the hell would I care what your interests are, it's all about me thanks...

'Personal Ads' are typical bulk messages. Most of them a guy could send out to hundreds of women, now I have no quarrels with playing the numbers game, the more women you message the better but I can’t stand it when it’s so bloody obvious I am just one of the zillion.

Contradictory? Yes maybe. You want to message a lot of ladies but you need to make sure each one feels special. A massive mistake is talking to the majority; never ever send a message which addresses women as a collective, you always want to talk to the individual!

Brilliant and importantly directed at the individual...

From: ****
Subject: I hope you have a great day!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.

From: ****
Subject: My dream? To meet a new partner for a serious relationship!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.

Here we have two different guys but exactly the same message. This is either an auto message or a suggested template. If any of you lot use these expect me to find out! I will then hunt you down and shove a crocodile up your arsehole because it is fucking disrespectful to female intelligence. Do men really think women aren’t aware of these? Yes sure the newbies and the blondes may not notice but any woman worth knowing will definitely pick up on them, for one there aren’t any grammar mistakes, that’s a big telltale on dating sites because as we all know men on the internet are illiterate chavvy morons.

From: ****
Subject: Howdi
i have looked and liked your profile and would love to know more about you and hopefully for you to get to know more about me too .... 

Myself im ****, 25, from **** and i enjoy a wide range of things and can have my crazy moments like everyone, im easy to get on with and love to do many things and see new places etc, i do have a hobby in music as a dj /producer and would love to make that a career in the future. 

if you wish to speak more away from here i can speak on facebook, msn, skype, or mobile
Looking forward to hear back from you soon
**** ;-)

This message isn’t awful but there isn’t anything personal, he says he’s looked at my profile yet doesn’t say anything remotely relevant about it. Maybe I’m being a bit of a judgemental negative bitch but to me this could have been sent to anyone and I’m worth more...(no wonder I'm having no luck really, I must try harder to be sugary sweet, I think I'm going to need a "give men a chance week" should be interesting...)

Subject: hi i have attached a pic x
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:36:19 PM 

Hi, i had a quick peek at your profile and you seem rather nice. How have you been getting on with this site? about me...... I am 28 yr old, i am a professional guy working in the city, i have my own house in a small country village in ****, just on the outskirts of London I am a bit of a joker by heart and love to laugh, but i can also be serious when i need to be! With the right person i am very affectionate and love to give cuddles. I go to the gym when i can and play rugby and cricket. I love cinema , theatre and nice restaurents, but will also be happy with the early bird at the harvester lol I have a good job in the city that keeps me busy, but i also know how to relax and let my hair down to. I love theme parks and anything involving an adrenaline rush. 

I have been single for over a year now and thought i would give this a go and see whats out there. It would be lovely to hear back from you. Take care

TMI. Quite simply chucking this much information at someone is a little overwhelming, I prefer to find out things by talking to people, tone it down and never reveal so much in a first message. Also please don’t ask how I’ve been getting on with the site, I get this all bloody the time and it’s annoying as hell. And now for the embarrassing bit...I did reply to this guy as he was pretty damn hot…I know I know I’m pathetic, should have trusted my instincts to be honest, I think my interest in him lasted all of five minutes, I can’t remember why exactly, but he probably had no banter.

Some people are fucking weird.

I think my opinion on these types of messages could be personal taste, I’m not sure…I do struggle to imagine what other women would think so I just prefer not to and assume my thoughts are normal…yeah right.

Personal Profiles

Time to make that profile personal!

First rule: KEEP IT SIMPLE 
Second rule: GRAB ATTENTION
And that's all there is to it really. But no...of course there are a hundred and one things that can make your profile 'wanna be dated' or 'gotta be hated'.

We've already learnt that women get a lot of messages, because they possess the secret online dating weapon...a vagina, so if you happen to be one of the lucky guys that pass the photo, the username and the chat up line test and then she actually clicks on your profile! You need a bloody big bear boob trap to catch her!

The best way of doing this is to be the comedian! No not the annoying guy who thinks he's funny but actually make her laugh, whatever your humour is...sarcastic, silly, slapdash...if you can somehow be funny DO IT! It’s awesome!

Now you want to make reading your profile a positive experience! I come away from so many groaning to myself at how depressively dull men are and it's often a challenge to get past the first sentence. Something very simple that made me smile under "interests" was a guy who had written "Rugby League, Rugby League and Rugby League oh and Rugby League…" nothing impressive (and could be considered boring if you're not a rugby fan) but memorable and what woman doesn’t like to think about big muscly men playing rugby? Also repetition sticks in peoples brains (clearly).

Don’t reveal too much on your profile, the difficulty with revealing more is it becomes yet another reason for the ladies to chuck you onto the garbage pile. Just write enough points to have something to talk about and show you are not a freak that spends 24 hours a day stalking women on the internet and dreaming about eating kittens. Women like mystery because let's face it the dream is always better than reality.

I often give profiles a quick scan, blocks of text send me running away quicker than an alcoholic tramp trying to lick me. I like short snippets with quick information available. I've seen some profiles that have actual essays on them and although I'm interested in the guy, I honestly cannot be bothered to read through what I assume is going to be a pile of waffling shite. I don't have the time or interest.

Another thing is try and make your profile unique. I see guy after guy with the same old cloned profile "I enjoy watching films, spending time with friends and listening to music" no shit sherlock you've just described most of the population and I really couldn't give a dogs biscuit, it's boring. I would rather shit in my hands and clap than read one more piece of literary artwork like that.

So how do you write a good profile? Umm well that's a hard one. I find it very easy to pick out bad things on profiles but coming up with something funny, interesting and frigging awesome isn't easy and damn do I understand that.

Most of the guys who message me tend to mention something from my profile (well the ones that manage to override their penis shouting "She's hot!!! Tell her! Tell her!! Tell her!!! She won't be able to resist you then!" yes the guys that actually use their upstairs brains seem to be impressed with my profile of written nonsense, this makes me not only incredibly amazing but definitely the right person to be giving out advice...umm yeah sure...YES.

Here are the key points that I included on my profile
1. Three things that make me happy. Nothing special but I tried to make them interesting, rather than just saying "walking" say where you like to walk or who with? Don't go overboard. I think I also manage to hint that I'm easy to please and I'm one of these girls that can sit in a corner with brick and be happy, maybe that's why men like me...easily pleased in life equals easily pleased in the bedroom? Oh god I hope they're not thinking that. Damn.
2. I talk about what I'm doing in my life right now. Obvious to be honest. Live in the moment, where is your life and will I fit into it is normally one of the first questions I ask myself when I look at profiles.
3. I make a joke. I'm going to say it again. BE FUCKING FUNNY! I am hilarious.
4. I add a weird 'what the fuck' statement at the end, basically "and yes that is why blah blah...it's a long story..." this has got me ridiculous numbers of "I've got to ask but what is the story...?" mails, at first it was great but now I'm losing patience, eurgh be original!!! Grrr but of course I put it there because it's such an easy invitation for someone to talk to you!

In conclusion I don't think there is a right way to design a dating profile, everyone has their own tastes and opinions what rocks Sandy's boat might send Ellie's plummeting to the bottom of the ocean, I would say stick to what you feel comfortable with, make it truthful, real and relatable, keep it short, keep it simple and try to make it funny. Easier said than done.

Before I end today I had to share this gem...

IM A NORMAL AVERAGE GUY WHO IS NOT VAIN OR ARROGRANT,I DONT THINK IM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE OR LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE OR JUDGE ANYONEIM VERY LOYAL ,TRUSTWORTHY,KIND AND LOVING,I HAVE A VERY BIG HEART

Okay that's not too bad, I mean the guy is being real right? Umm his tagline was "LOOKING FOR A HOTTIE WITH NO ATTITUDE" and his username? Oh? well the perfect username for a guy who is not vain or arrogant of course! "IRRESISITIBLE" This all adds up to the guy being a complete douche who can't even spell.

I know I didn't really come to a conclusion today but I just can't grab one and don't want to lie and make some shit up! If I ever come across the perfect profile I will be sure to share it with you sexybeasts! Over and out.