The Worst Message Ever?

If you look like this then words aren't important...

In the past I have bitched about how much I hate messages that could have been created by a lively brick, aka the “hi” crowd. Well being the contradictory whore I am…of course I reply to some…

"But wait Little Miss Me! You are always telling us how shit and fucking lazy it is to simply send a “hi” and you basically said there is no way in hell you would ever reply to them! Did you lie?" Umm no?…not exactly…In most cases I will release my pet Gossamer to hunt the "hi" crowd down and hurt them, but I can make an exception for some men...and damn have a few fucking exceptions messaged me recently!

My profile has been up for a while now and I’ve noticed some big changes. I now receive wayyyy less messages, have I got ugly? Is my profile shitter? No. I’m just not fresh meat anymore. Men are absolute dogs for new toys. Plus dating sites list new profiles in a special glittery area…

Am I bovvered tho??? I’m not even bovvered. I now rarely get the creepy messages or the poems or the stalkers...(I'm slightly disappointed about the stalkers...) most messages that grace my inbox nowadays are from guys I’m actually interested in. Most. Not all…

I still get the occasional 'what the fuck were you thinking' message:

From: ****
Subject: Spoiling you
YOU'RE SO HOT & SEXY I"D REALLY LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT AND SPOIL YOU :) X
I hope you don"t mind me contacting you, I"m not weird or anything but I think you"re really lovely and I"d love an opportunity to meet you which I"d never find any other way than to message you here.
We could start with a shopping trip, dinner and a club, nothing too serious just a fun time to get to know each other as friends first.
What do you think ? I"ll take care of your expenses for the meeting.

First off he’s made the common mistake of informing me on how hot I am, seriously I own a mirror you know! Then he’s asking my permission...but at least he’s not weird…because it’s important to make a point of saying you’re NOT weird…seriously? You only say you’re not weird if you're currently residing in a room with incredibly comfy walls...

He’s also going straight for the meet on the first message…what a rookie mistake; only whores and idiots would agree to meeting after one message, even if he’s using his money as bait.

I don't care that this isn't relevant it is awesome

The poor student and goldigging slut in me shouts "chance it and get some free stuff! We love free stuff!" Unfortunately the piece of me that doesn’t want to be raped says it’s a bad idea. Damn her. Doesn't she understand FREE STUFF?!

Oh and his profile picture is a mirror shot of him in what I assume is a public restroom due to the urinals in the background…doesn’t scream billionaire Prince Charming…

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're Wine

I am 22 years old. I am technically an adult (no one has to know my mental age…I still laugh at the word willy and balloon condom animals are hilarious...if you don't agree you have no soul). My dating profile says that I’m looking for men between 22 and 45, I chose that range because I have a fuckload of younger guys here, I don’t need to look on the internet for them (no I am not running some kind of rentboy business…) and I chose 45 as I don’t want to go any older than my dad (who I think is about 46…I think…) although if George Clooney or Johnny Depp messaged me then I’m sure I could make an exception…damn I would love to get them naked, throw some chocolate sauce on them and lick it off...

Anyway I’m not an ageist, a hot guy is a hot guy in my opinion and I don’t tend to pay attention to the ages of men that message me, unless they are 72 and call themselves "ViagraMan" or some shit.

The older men who actually message me however chuck their age in my face! I have no idea why they do it? And what’s worse they normally accept defeat before they even talk to me! Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!

From: ****
Subject: hi
hi fancy a chat or am i to old for you x

By now we know that fancy a chat is a shit message, hi as the subject is a shit message but then this dude mentions his age…what the hell kind of reason would I have for replying to this?

From: ****
Subject: hey
you have got gorgoues eyes and a beautiful smile hope ya well i know to old lol but pay a compliment where its due lol

Subject: Hi
From: ****
hi sexy, maybe im too old for you but me good good

Both these guys are 30…ummm excuse me but when did 30 become old? Seriously kill me now if I’m considered an OAP at 30, it’s ridiculous! The first one: why even message me? You’ve already lost before you pressed send, the second one isn’t much better but at least this idiot is clawing onto a teeny tiny strand of hope…

From: ****
Subject: hi
WOW ..what can i say?? please give an older man a heart attack by writing back to me!!

This is pretty cute I have to say but I still don’t understand mentioning your age, I know the heart attack thing is a joke but I don’t want to think that if I fuck you then you might die, that’s some shit I could deal without right there.

From: ****
Subject: hello
hello pitty you are young as i really liked your profile would be nice to hear from you as you look really nice take care

Why don’t you just give me a pat on the head and be more patronising. I may still get asked for ID everytime I buy alcohol because the shop retards think I look 17 but I am a bloody grown up thank you.

From: ****
Subject: Grrrrr
Wish I was 22 again

What the actual fuck is the point of this message? Oh great well it’s your lucky day because I’m only a bloody genie that can grant some awesome fucking wishes!

Anyway men please don’t mention your age. It’s on your profile so I can see it, don’t make it an obvious reason for me to ignore you. Bloody idiots.

Fancy Chatting?

Yes Please

I love men to be 'real men'. I’m not asking for a caveman who drags his knuckles and hits me over the head with a dinosaur when I don’t shut up...but I do want a proper man!

There is nothing that annoys me more than men who apologise all the time, I love my readers and you sexy creatures really do come up with some great comments, Ms. Inconspicuous said it perfectly: “unless you have something to truly apologize for, don't. Or apologize for having an apparent spinectomy, because I only fuck guys with a backbone”.

Equally as annoying are the number of messages I get from guys who are basically asking if it’s okay to talk to me, I mean what the actual fuck?! Just bloody talk to me, I’m not your frigging teacher! Are you going to raise your hand when you need a bloody piss on our first date? Do you expect me to give you a grade at the end of it? Maybe a letter home to the parents? Men use your bloody balls or I will take it upon myself to detach them from your body, because quite frankly you don’t deserve them.

If a guy doesn't have the courage to take the initiative in starting a conversation then he's not exactly going to be the big man in the bedroom is he? I need a man who will just throw me across room, not one who asks if it's okay first...gentle doesn't do it for me.

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/4/2011 12:24:24 AM
how are u?
i like your profile and your pic
and would be nice to get to know you
dats if its ok with you and you wld like to.
wb x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/13/2011 7:19:33 PM
Hi
Just stopped and read your profile and its
pretty cute.
I would love to know more about you so if
thats ok stop by and say hello.
c. x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 11:29:04 PM
Hey,
You sound really nice and enjoyed looking at your profile!
I'm ****, live in **** too. Would you be interested in talking?
Xxx

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/2/2011 7:12:05 PM
Hiya :)
How are you?
I hope you don't mind me messaging you :)
I really liked your profile, and I was just wondering if you fancied chatting a bit more?
**** x

Honestly why ask if it’s okay? According to my Dutch friends they believe the English are too polite and find it annoying when we aren’t direct, but what the Dutch call assertive I normally call rude…anyway here I can see their point because damn is this annoying. I don’t understand why they ask me if I’m interested in talking or if it's okay to contact me? I don’t care! If it’s not I’m just going to ignore you...so please send me something interesting instead.

I get loads of these messages; most simply say “fancy chatting?” and I don’t really know what they expect me to reply with? They give me absolutely nothing to play on...do I say “yes” because that’s clearly going to be the start of an enthusiastic fun filled conversation isn’t it! Instead of asking if I want a conversation, just bloody start one! It’s not difficult really.

Oh so true...

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:

“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 

Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 

I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”

I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****

First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx

It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 

Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx

Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.

From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx

Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...

Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!

Personal Profiles

Time to make that profile personal!

First rule: KEEP IT SIMPLE 
Second rule: GRAB ATTENTION
And that's all there is to it really. But no...of course there are a hundred and one things that can make your profile 'wanna be dated' or 'gotta be hated'.

We've already learnt that women get a lot of messages, because they possess the secret online dating weapon...a vagina, so if you happen to be one of the lucky guys that pass the photo, the username and the chat up line test and then she actually clicks on your profile! You need a bloody big bear boob trap to catch her!

The best way of doing this is to be the comedian! No not the annoying guy who thinks he's funny but actually make her laugh, whatever your humour is...sarcastic, silly, slapdash...if you can somehow be funny DO IT! It’s awesome!

Now you want to make reading your profile a positive experience! I come away from so many groaning to myself at how depressively dull men are and it's often a challenge to get past the first sentence. Something very simple that made me smile under "interests" was a guy who had written "Rugby League, Rugby League and Rugby League oh and Rugby League…" nothing impressive (and could be considered boring if you're not a rugby fan) but memorable and what woman doesn’t like to think about big muscly men playing rugby? Also repetition sticks in peoples brains (clearly).

Don’t reveal too much on your profile, the difficulty with revealing more is it becomes yet another reason for the ladies to chuck you onto the garbage pile. Just write enough points to have something to talk about and show you are not a freak that spends 24 hours a day stalking women on the internet and dreaming about eating kittens. Women like mystery because let's face it the dream is always better than reality.

I often give profiles a quick scan, blocks of text send me running away quicker than an alcoholic tramp trying to lick me. I like short snippets with quick information available. I've seen some profiles that have actual essays on them and although I'm interested in the guy, I honestly cannot be bothered to read through what I assume is going to be a pile of waffling shite. I don't have the time or interest.

Another thing is try and make your profile unique. I see guy after guy with the same old cloned profile "I enjoy watching films, spending time with friends and listening to music" no shit sherlock you've just described most of the population and I really couldn't give a dogs biscuit, it's boring. I would rather shit in my hands and clap than read one more piece of literary artwork like that.

So how do you write a good profile? Umm well that's a hard one. I find it very easy to pick out bad things on profiles but coming up with something funny, interesting and frigging awesome isn't easy and damn do I understand that.

Most of the guys who message me tend to mention something from my profile (well the ones that manage to override their penis shouting "She's hot!!! Tell her! Tell her!! Tell her!!! She won't be able to resist you then!" yes the guys that actually use their upstairs brains seem to be impressed with my profile of written nonsense, this makes me not only incredibly amazing but definitely the right person to be giving out advice...umm yeah sure...YES.

Here are the key points that I included on my profile
1. Three things that make me happy. Nothing special but I tried to make them interesting, rather than just saying "walking" say where you like to walk or who with? Don't go overboard. I think I also manage to hint that I'm easy to please and I'm one of these girls that can sit in a corner with brick and be happy, maybe that's why men like me...easily pleased in life equals easily pleased in the bedroom? Oh god I hope they're not thinking that. Damn.
2. I talk about what I'm doing in my life right now. Obvious to be honest. Live in the moment, where is your life and will I fit into it is normally one of the first questions I ask myself when I look at profiles.
3. I make a joke. I'm going to say it again. BE FUCKING FUNNY! I am hilarious.
4. I add a weird 'what the fuck' statement at the end, basically "and yes that is why blah blah...it's a long story..." this has got me ridiculous numbers of "I've got to ask but what is the story...?" mails, at first it was great but now I'm losing patience, eurgh be original!!! Grrr but of course I put it there because it's such an easy invitation for someone to talk to you!

In conclusion I don't think there is a right way to design a dating profile, everyone has their own tastes and opinions what rocks Sandy's boat might send Ellie's plummeting to the bottom of the ocean, I would say stick to what you feel comfortable with, make it truthful, real and relatable, keep it short, keep it simple and try to make it funny. Easier said than done.

Before I end today I had to share this gem...

IM A NORMAL AVERAGE GUY WHO IS NOT VAIN OR ARROGRANT,I DONT THINK IM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE OR LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE OR JUDGE ANYONEIM VERY LOYAL ,TRUSTWORTHY,KIND AND LOVING,I HAVE A VERY BIG HEART

Okay that's not too bad, I mean the guy is being real right? Umm his tagline was "LOOKING FOR A HOTTIE WITH NO ATTITUDE" and his username? Oh? well the perfect username for a guy who is not vain or arrogant of course! "IRRESISITIBLE" This all adds up to the guy being a complete douche who can't even spell.

I know I didn't really come to a conclusion today but I just can't grab one and don't want to lie and make some shit up! If I ever come across the perfect profile I will be sure to share it with you sexybeasts! Over and out.