The Most Common Mistake

Subject: Hi!
Really very beatiful and cute..I am ****.And you?Where are you from sweet girl?

Subject: .
Wouldn't mind some of that! ;o)

Subject: hey
lovely pics how are you? fancy a chat **** from **** :)))

Subject: hi
nice pics why this

Subject: x
hey ya i like ya pics ;)xx

Subject: Hey! Wow! U look so perfect -I don't know what to say :)
Fancy having a good flirting session with me?

Subject: hey sexy
Wow u are stunning, fancy a chat?

These are the most common types of messages I get.

Ignore the awful spelling, the use of textinglish and the annoying amount of “hi” “hello” “hey” in the message subject title! Actually I can't ignore that...NEVER and I mean NEVER put "hi...!" it is sooo lazy and makes me want to stab you in the testicles! It doesn’t take much effort to add something a little different does it? Also some sites have "suggested messages" or "fast flirts" DO NOT TOUCH THEM! Most women will be able to recognise these pieces of crap after a day or two of joining and they are simply pathetic! Do you not have enough brain cells to rub together and write your own message?!

Anyway back to my initial point...

Obviously the men of the internet have never seen a woman before and so it's reasonable not to expect the highest quality of message to be created as they jizz in their pants but seriously?

So you think I look good in my photos? Well so do I…that is why I posted them after all! (I read somewhere that you will never look as bad as your drivers license and never as good as your facebook profile picture...I think this applies to online dating profile photos too, everyone is going to choose their best pics...yes ladies those awful pictures are what the male behind them considers to be his most attractive shots...I know...run now...run faster).

A compliment is nice but it’s pretty clear that there isn’t much more to these guys than “wow you are hot, want to have some fun...aka they call me Fred Flinstone coz I can make your bed rock...aka I’m a caveman with the intelligence and social skills of a dead dinosaur…at least those are my thoughts.

Now it’s not as if the guys above aren’t attractive, some of them are extremely fit and I would definitely stalk them in a club if my drunken horn was out to play! But I have had two years of sex with guys that are best friends with their mirrors and their idea of a thrilling conversation is "don't my abs look great today?" "I'm feeling so hench, I just got a new PB at the gym!" and when they aren't talking about themselves they are focusing their deep as a puddle personality on me..."You're looking so fit today, wanna fuck?" deep and meaningful right?…I mean I don’t mind a compliment…well that’s a lie…my insecurities aren’t helpful in flirting and relationships…anybody know if there’s a book out there “how to accept a compliment for dummies”? I could really do with reading it!

Basically all I'm saying guys is please don't focus purely on a woman's pictures, try to start an interesting conversation instead! Of course it's good to chuck in a compliment or two but don't make it the bloody focus!!!

The Perfect Profile Picture

Profile pictures. The first thing a woman will judge you on. Let’s face it, everyone goes on appearance initially right? I know, I know, us ladies moan about men focusing purely on what we look like and then we do the EXACT same thing but...but…but it’s human nature…yeah just hand me a bigger shovel so I can dig this hole faster thanks…

There are many ideas of what makes a good profile pic, most people will tell you that it’s a smile and yes a smile is great and everything (unless it’s one of those creepy clown smiles eurgh). But what I find interests me is mystery…a guy looking slightly away from the camera…WHY IS HE NOT LOOKING AT ME!?!?! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS HOT PIECE OF ASS?!!?! Interest peaked! Tada!

A photo of you looking away is also good if you’re not the most stunning chap in the world… it gives you the opportunity to present a picture that won't scare the birds away and hopefully allow you get across your personality before you finally reveal everything. What’s even better is that you’re not hiding your face, it’s still you...but you are just being a little crafty with it…

Boys oh boys! Please avoid those awful pouty "flirty" faces like the plague…it’s just a wrong. Another no in my 'huge book of being a fussy bitch' is the ‘Bear Pose’, what do I mean by the 'Bear Pose'? A guy stood up, hands on hips, chest puffed out and being the man! It is too self obsessed and try-hard to be hench in my opinion.

The Bear Pose...sort of

A good photo is a relaxed photo, at the moment I’m making an effort to talk to a guy who has a picture of him quite simply sat comfortably leaning forwards on what looks like a couch or bed (this is subtly important, the fact I thought it was a bed made me immediately think about sex when I looked at him, maybe not intentional on his part but that’s where my mind went…bad dirty filthy mind!), the forwards lean is also  significant (can you tell I’ve done some psychology at uni and therefore now believe I’m the worlds leading authority on it?..) unlike the bear pose that is leaning back, this guy is leaning towards me making it welcoming and like he’s showing an interest in me…he’s not…it’s just a photo but this is what my subconscious tells me…(my subconscious may be over thinking some of this shit).

There is one issue I’m slightly stuck on and that is all of you half naked men, as a respectable young woman: “oh how it is disgusting! Clearly this is a man who only cares about how he looks…I will just have a little sneak peak…oh my god the half naked man with abs messaged me...hehehehe"…this is how women let themselves down and I'm included. It takes all my effort to resist a reply to these chiseled gods but resist I do...I want more than a body to play with...I've been there, done that hottie with a body...and the personalty of potato...of course if you were talking to me a few months ago I would be on these guys like fat person on cheesecake…so if you’ve got it...I'm going to suggest you flaunt it...in a tasteful way of course!

For the ladies...

One thing I’m also confused about is animals…a lot of guys have pictures with their pets, now I am an animal lover so normally this interests me, a cute dog and I definitely notice the picture but I’m not sure I like them…it means he already has something special in his life and I don’t really want to be second best…one thing I am certain of is that you should not being kissing your pet parrot in a profile picture (yes a guy actually did this).

Okay next were onto kids (wonder what it says about me that my mind goes naked men, animals and then children. Priorities?). You may have a history and that history may involve some babies but a profile picture isn’t the place, a woman doesn’t want to be immediately presented with this, of course you shouldn’t hide it but don’t let it be the first thing she sees.

Next up on the chopping block...cars. Okay we get it, you have some money, you own a car, congratulations but unless you are a transformer I do not want to see a car in your profile picture. It sends the wrong message. It tells me you are materialistic and no doubt will attract women wanting you for the wrong reasons aka "she aint nothin but a gold digger!"

Honestly? I have no idea

Final tip, if you have a uniform WEAR IT! I’ve randomly realised that the last few guys I have chatted to are ALL wearing some kind of uniform in their profile pics, so guys if you are in the army/navy/airforce get that gear on, I’m sure it’s not just me that loves a man in uniform, it’s a talking point, it’s the romantic idea and it’s just frigging hot!

So what have we learnt today? Well that I don't really know exactly what I want and there is no perfect profile picture?...no don't be silly! We have of course learnt that the best profile picture is simple, relaxed, a little mysterious and you! Oh and last thing NO CROTCH SHOTS. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO...NO.

Well that was helpful...