Friday, 29 July 2011

Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.
Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…
An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.
I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…
Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…
YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

You Must Be This Tall To Ride Me

I’ve decided not to see Tom Cruise again, the results of the poll are pretty damn clear, but mainly it’s due to the shallow ass fact that I cannot cope with his height. Yes I’m aware it is a ridiculous reason in the eyes of height deficient men everywhere but I DON'T CARE.


When I last mentioned that I wanted a man who is of a certain height our dear friend Maxwell had a little tantrum, he’s such a sensitive soul, bless him, it must be because he’s so short, emotions are more concentrated or something….

Now I’ve had a little think about why height is so important to me and well I’ve come up with a list of my top three reasons (I know you like lists Maxwell)...

1. I’ve always “dated” giants (I’m using dated to cover anything more than an ONS because I think it sounds better than “fucked on multiple occasions”). I just feel weird around short guys, to me being around a short man is like being around a dog that tries to shove it’s nose in inappropriate's the same kind of awkwardness that you can’t really mention but everyone knows what is actually wrong.

2. I'm a crazy insecure bitch and like to feel teeny, tall guys make this happen, it's definitely not about the penis size, believe me being 6'4 does not mean you're hung like a bear...worst moment ever :( oh is that it?

3. I LOVE HIGH HEELS!!!! I mean I love them, I’m the kind of girl that will go into shoe shops and burst into tears at the sheer beauty of  a pair of heels and the fact I can’t afford them. I need a man to be taller than me even in my hooker heels.
So yep, I need a tall guy. I’m not saying I need a giant although that would be awesome! I have a weird crush for Hagrid…damn he’s a man and a half or rather five and half Maxwells.

Ideally I want a guy to be 6 foot and over but honestly I don't have a pissing clue how to tell height, I know if someone is the same height as me, I know if they are shorter than me but other than that I wouldn't have a pissing clue so I can pretty much class 5'10 and upwards as 6' it’s just how I roll.

Now what can you do if you are a short ass? Well don’t give up! Some people have a thing for fucking midgets, look at Katie Holmes!
This dude has to be hiding something in his pants...surely?
I was trying to think if I was a short man what I would do, I thought about adding an inch or two but I can hear the hatred from women shooting through me already. One thing with lying about your height is that you should expect the woman to be disappointed when she meets you…also don’t meet up with a woman who is taller than your real height, that would just be extra fucking awkward. I expect women probably don’t carry tape measures to dates to check heights but to the non-retards (aka not me) it’s pretty damn obvious.

Sorry to disappoint the shorties wanting a piece of my pancake but don’t worry I’m going to totally contradict myself and tell you I was seeing a guy who was 5’8 last year…

DISCLAIMER: Maxwell is not actually a midget and I would very much like to have sex with him.

Monday, 25 July 2011

I Just Had Sex...

The creepier stalkers among you may have noticed my blog address has changed, I decided to change it because I want to write about whatever I feel like sometimes, so thought "fuck it I’m going to change it so it’s all about me!" The online dating theme is staying because well that’s what I’m doing with my life and it’s too entertaining to give up, oh and I’ve been asked out for a drink by another fucking I have "I date shortarses" stamped on my forehead?! I even got a message recently from a little man saying that I was “the perfect girl for him” I’m 5’6 not a bloody a borrower!

I have some proper posts planned but today is going to be a shambles because I am stressed out, pissed off and hungover.

The evil neighbor bitch that was living next to me finally disappeared back home but she has now been replaced by something far worse!!! I didn’t think it was possible…this creature is a classical music fan, how do I know this? Well she plays it loud enough that my deaf dead granddad can bloody hear it, I fucking hate classical music because I am a common tramp, in retaliation I have taken to playing shit like the face down ass up song, Steel Panther, Lonely Island…basically anything I like that will without doubt piss off a retarded antisocial virgin. She has yet to get the point I’m making.

On Friday I went out with the guys (mistake…) and got ridiculously drunk, I shouldn’t treat alcoholic beverages like of the new guys attempted to flirt with me (bad decision, beware of women who can hang out with lads...not easy to charm) he decided to tell me that he'd waxed his chest before showing it off...great?... I decided it would be funny to scratch the red looking area, it was...but he was a pussy and said it hurt, so I did it again. He didn’t get lucky. Douche. Although according to DK the guy was a “gayboy” I asked Mr. Waxed Chest whether this was the case and he said he could prove he wasn’t, yeah I wasn’t falling for that fucking line again, he also snarled that DK was being a jealous dick, men are so sensitive. Pretty sure DK was anything but jealous.

After a while it ended up just me, DK and the Scotsman, both were supposed to be crashing at mine. The night was a mess of them flirting with MILFs, asking every Essex girl if they could see their vajazzle and DK shouting “Hey Fatty! Yeah I see you looking...” at some poor whale (probably my fault to be honest, I spent the entire night pointing at ugly women shouting “oh look it’s your girlfriend!” being an immature idiot is fun…) luckily for the guys everybody loves me, no bragging...they just do and whenever they pissed someone off in the mother hen swooped to sort it out. I’m awesome.
We finally made it back to my halls but not before some people threatened to call the police and shit when the Scotmans thought drunken driving around campus was a good idea, it is NEVER a good idea and I swear I nearly fucking died. Don’t drink and drive it’s fucking stupid even in an empty car park (yeah I can give out life lessons). We then decided to go in and rape my Irish friend who was sleeping but I got bored and went to bed, while I was gone it seems DK announced that he was going to try and shag me (yep I know what an absolute presumptive wanker) then demanded that the Scotsman sleep in the Irish’s room…there is another reason the new neighbour doesn’t like me…my bed is pretty damn creaky and DK has a massive penis, shockingly massive for a white guy…I had a bloody brilliant night. Yes I am a whore.

Interestingly I think I would class DK as one of my closest friends right now, which is weird…

I haven’t told you the story of DK before in detail but seem to mention him a lot so here it is very quickly:

  • My best friend was attempting to seduce DK’s friend 
  • We got to know each other 
  • We got drunk
  • We fucked
Romantic right!? Anyway now we chat everyday and we are practically bezzies, I think it’s something to do with us being birthday buddies although he’s two years younger than me…didn’t I mention that? Right now I’m helping him get with a friend who he has a teenage girl type crush on, I admit is a little strange but it works, although if they do end up properly together god damn I am going to miss that penis.

So yes that is my life right now. Once again I’m best friends with a guy I occasionally fuck, I really don’t know how this keeps happening but I think I’ve finally figured out how to make it work. Also DK said he would set me up with a rich Kent farmer, sounds good to me!

AND most importantly I am now over 50 followers which is so bloody awesome!!! I want to treat all you loyal beasts somehow but it would take too much time and effort to meet each of you for sex….I’m sure I will think of something, maybe I will get naked, rub some jello on me and take pictures while I roll around?

Friday, 22 July 2011

Whoreface Friday for Maxwell: Potato, Bucket and High Heels

Maxwell: "I would like to hear a story where a potato, a bucket, and enormously high heels all play a key role. Your choice on how they are integrated."

I had a little think and well I’ve tried my best to find the most relevant story, I can’t be bothered to make shit up so just deal with what I give you.

For Maxwell…

It’s a Wednesday so of course that means it’s time to get drunk and act like an idiot. My best friend who happens to be Irish had left the day before so I was ridiculous sad, in her honour we decided to get completely fucked and play the potato game: you shout potato in your best Irish accent. It’s less of a game and more of a bunch of easily amused drunken idiots shouting stuff…I feel we really honoured the Irish, the Irish doesn’t agree.

We dressed up in our best slagtastic costumes where high heels are of course a necessity! Still communicating by few words other than potato we stormed into the club, immediately the stairs attacked us! Yes attacked! I managed to survive thanks to my ninja skills however my friend became injured, pathetic. She still has a chunk of her leg missing to this day, she calls it a war wound, I call it learn to walk in heels you fucking retard. Heels really don’t like her, one made an escape for freedom recently in a taxi and she came home like a wonky donkey with only a single shoe…I feel sorry for the lost heel, the taxi driver is probably wanking over it, poor jizz stained heel, all alone in the world...

Fast forward through the night and everything is great, I’m drunk but still have vision (a rare event), then it happens…I don't know why but DK pissed me off, I’m pretty sure he was being a douchebag and I got mad (he probably ignored my attempts to fuck him...) in anger I charged over to the bar like a wild animal and ordered a line up of vodka shots...bam bam bam bam!!! I chucked those little fuckers back my throat. Done.

Surprisingly an hour later I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Shocking. I have a lovely memory of running to the toilets and chundering all over my boobs…great I could really have done with a BUCKET (I know grasping at straws but what?!). I managed to clean myself up…I think…and got some gum off the toilet attendant, one strip for £1! Was she actually kidding me?! Still this is the woman that made my friend pay £1 for a teeny plaster when I nearly chopped my finger off with a bottle and the bathroom looked like something out of the chainsaw massacre…maybe she can only count in pounds...I stumbled out of the toilets and there was a face I recognised waiting for me…a sort of acquaintance…oh shit did he see my vomcano? I bambi’ed over to him and uttered the sexiest sentence to ever exit my mouth… “do I smell like sick?” it was hot enough that he took me home and we played hide the penis…yeah that's how you pull people! Ask them if you smell like sick! I expect the leftover vom on my boobs probably gave the boys a lovely glistening yes another classy night.
Not the most exciting story I know but a little taster from my life, if you have any suggestions on a topic for future Whoreface Fridays that's awesome! I promise normally I'm not that disgusting, I barely ever get sick...

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're Wine

I am 22 years old. I am technically an adult (no one has to know my mental age…I still laugh at the word willy and balloon condom animals are hilarious...if you don't agree you have no soul). My dating profile says that I’m looking for men between 22 and 45, I chose that range because I have a fuckload of younger guys here, I don’t need to look on the internet for them (no I am not running some kind of rentboy business…) and I chose 45 as I don’t want to go any older than my dad (who I think is about 46…I think…) although if George Clooney or Johnny Depp messaged me then I’m sure I could make an exception…damn I would love to get them naked, throw some chocolate sauce on them and lick it off...

Anyway I’m not an ageist, a hot guy is a hot guy in my opinion and I don’t tend to pay attention to the ages of men that message me, unless they are 72 and call themselves "ViagraMan" or some shit.

The older men who actually message me however chuck their age in my face! I have no idea why they do it? And what’s worse they normally accept defeat before they even talk to me! Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!
From: ****
Subject: hi
hi fancy a chat or am i to old for you x
By now we know that fancy a chat is a shit message, hi as the subject is a shit message but then this dude mentions his age…what the hell kind of reason would I have for replying to this?
From: ****
Subject: hey
you have got gorgoues eyes and a beautiful smile hope ya well i know to old lol but pay a compliment where its due lol
Subject: Hi
From: ****
hi sexy, maybe im too old for you but me good good
Both these guys are 30…ummm excuse me but when did 30 become old? Seriously kill me now if I’m considered an OAP at 30, it’s ridiculous! The first one: why even message me? You’ve already lost before you pressed send, the second one isn’t much better but at least this idiot is clawing onto a teeny tiny strand of hope…
From: ****
Subject: hi
WOW ..what can i say?? please give an older man a heart attack by writing back to me!!
This is pretty cute I have to say but I still don’t understand mentioning your age, I know the heart attack thing is a joke but I don’t want to think that if I fuck you then you might die, that’s some shit I could deal without right there.
From: ****
Subject: hello
hello pitty you are young as i really liked your profile would be nice to hear from you as you look really nice take care
Why don’t you just give me a pat on the head and be more patronising. I may still get asked for ID everytime I buy alcohol because the shop retards think I look 17 but I am a bloody grown up thank you.
From: ****
Subject: Grrrrr
Wish I was 22 again
What the actual fuck is the point of this message? Oh great well it’s your lucky day because I’m only a bloody genie that can grant some awesome fucking wishes!

Anyway men please don’t mention your age. It’s on your profile so I can see it, don’t make it an obvious reason for me to ignore you. Bloody idiots.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Date #1 - Meet Tom Cruise

On Saturday I went on my first ever internet date! This was a major thing for me as it was technically only my second date ever in the history of the world! Yeah people don’t tend to take you on dates when you’re a whore and use sex as an introduction technique…

I was majorly nervous but my friend convinced me to go...well forced me to go...I found him waiting for me and HE WAS SHORT...well he was the same height as me (possibly a teeny bit taller) I’m pretty average at 5’6 but for a guy that is damn short.

The date was actually awesome, he’s funny, he’s got a fit face, an awesome job and there was no awkwardness, well apart from my brain going "oh my god I must look like a giant, yep I’m going to stand on him and he will die, bloody big feet, oh my god I will be a murderer with my clown feet and my massive hands, his hands are so little, I’m like a bloody man, wait maybe people think I’m a man dressed as a woman, they think I'm a drag queen, do I look like a man!?! Oh my god that is why people are staring!!!" I’m really good at winding myself up…they were probably staring because I looked fucking hot to be honest.

Anyway the date was great fun and time went really quickly, possibly faster due to the amount of alcohol I consumed (all bought by him scoring major manpoints) unfortunately he didn’t get taller, pretty disappointing...maybe I should have accepted that sixth glass of wine but I could already hear myself slurring and not entirely making sense, a band was also setting up in the pub and it was taking all my power of politeness not to eye fuck the guitarist who was hot as yes Mr. Cruise didn't get taller but I think it was the right decision to stop drinking...

We said a slightly awkward goodbye, I knew he was going to go in for the kill but I wasn't interested (surprising for me, I will normally play tongue tennis with anyone just for the entertainment) but I decided it was a bad idea plus I had been feeling poorly for a few days (forgot to mention my voice sounded like a dying toad, I hope he doesn't think that's my natural sound...yep people definitely thought I was a drag queen with that bloody raspy voice as well DAMNIT) anyway it turns out I probably have bloody glandular fever or mono for you special American creatures, worst thing about this is that I haven't even been out whoring, that is so bloody unfair!!! If I have to deal with the kissing disease it would have been nice to at least of kissed some people!

So back to Tom Cruise...He is literally the perfect guy except for his height and I feel like a shallow cow saying that, I would love to have him as a friend but I doubt I could cope with the height thing…I’m used to men being at least 6’ and well he’s just not...

So now I'm stuck. What is the best plan of action?...he's definitely interested in seeing me again and sent me a message later that night saying "best day ever today" damn why am I so fucking awesome! I think I'm just going to see what happens, nothing bad can come of seeing him again I guess...

Friday, 15 July 2011

Introducing Whoreface Fridays

I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.
When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Community Property

This picture is totally relevant further on in the post...
So I feel it is my responsibility to tell you all that I will be MIA in the blogosphere until Saturday…why you ask?!? Well I’m going to be having loads of sex this week until eventually my cumbucket falls off…not really…well actually I’m not sure, I have certain "opportunities" in the next few days but I’m really trying to battle my inner slutbag, unfortunately the whore normally wins when there’s vodka involved and I want to make vodka jelly. My vodka jelly has been described as more dangerous than rohypnol before...should be a good week YAY PENIS.

Anyway I won’t be posting until Saturday because I have a sexy ladyfriend coming to stay with me and we want to go adventuring for a few days. We’ve managed to convince my neighbour we are lesbians. I hate my neighbour. She’s the most evil bitch in the entire world; she recently told me that I should work like a proper masters student “well excuse me if I’m too fucking clever to work all the time! It’s not my fault I’m hot, awesome and intelligent!” Brave woman to think asking three drunken idiots in a room screaming along to Steel Panther to keep it quiet “we will be as loud as we want until 11, that’s the law, the halls law!!! Every minute you waste of our time goes into your time! PLEASE PLEASE TRY TO FINE ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE OLD MAN!!!” stupid cow should learn her place, nothing worse than an antisocial idiot who looks like an old man, acts like the queen and has a favourite hobby of getting me into the shit.

I was on a bitch of a mission to shout at all the bastards on my campus that night, including pervert man who has naked pictures of me because he is a creepy stalker pervert (it wasn’t my best idea to go streaking…I blame Captain Morgan for that one! Told you the picture at the beginning was relevant...), I faintly remember shouting at him that he was a disgusting pervert and deserved to be raped by a necrophiliac (big word when you’re drunk…) duck, it’s not as random as it sounds, I studied duck necrophilia at uni…see completely normal.
Back to the point of the post. I feel it is my duty to apoligise for choosing real life over my favourite bunch of sexpest readers, in your honour I’m open to suggestions on how I can make it up to you! If any are awesome enough I will totally try my best to do them, I love a dare.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

The Online "Personal Ad"

It's important to have standards...
Today we are going to be looking at yet another common personal message. The “personal ad”.

I’m going to admit that these are not the worst messages to receive, they give some insight into the person sending them which is good, but they probably piss me off more than the ‘wow you are hot!” least those are entertaining and about me! Yes I am a self obsessed attention seeker, why the hell would I care what your interests are, it's all about me thanks...

'Personal Ads' are typical bulk messages. Most of them a guy could send out to hundreds of women, now I have no quarrels with playing the numbers game, the more women you message the better but I can’t stand it when it’s so bloody obvious I am just one of the zillion.

Contradictory? Yes maybe. You want to message a lot of ladies but you need to make sure each one feels special. A massive mistake is talking to the majority; never ever send a message which addresses women as a collective, you always want to talk to the individual!
Brilliant and importantly directed at the individual...
From: ****
Subject: I hope you have a great day!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.
From: ****
Subject: My dream? To meet a new partner for a serious relationship!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.
Here we have two different guys but exactly the same message. This is either an auto message or a suggested template. If any of you lot use these expect me to find out! I will then hunt you down and shove a crocodile up your arsehole because it is fucking disrespectful to female intelligence. Do men really think women aren’t aware of these? Yes sure the newbies and the blondes may not notice but any woman worth knowing will definitely pick up on them, for one there aren’t any grammar mistakes, that’s a big telltale on dating sites because as we all know men on the internet are illiterate chavvy morons.
From: ****
Subject: Howdi
i have looked and liked your profile and would love to know more about you and hopefully for you to get to know more about me too .... 
Myself im ****, 25, from **** and i enjoy a wide range of things and can have my crazy moments like everyone, im easy to get on with and love to do many things and see new places etc, i do have a hobby in music as a dj /producer and would love to make that a career in the future. 
if you wish to speak more away from here i can speak on facebook, msn, skype, or mobile
Looking forward to hear back from you soon
**** ;-)
This message isn’t awful but there isn’t anything personal, he says he’s looked at my profile yet doesn’t say anything remotely relevant about it. Maybe I’m being a bit of a judgemental negative bitch but to me this could have been sent to anyone and I’m worth more...(no wonder I'm having no luck really, I must try harder to be sugary sweet, I think I'm going to need a "give men a chance week" should be interesting...)
Subject: hi i have attached a pic x
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:36:19 PM 
Hi, i had a quick peek at your profile and you seem rather nice. How have you been getting on with this site? about me...... I am 28 yr old, i am a professional guy working in the city, i have my own house in a small country village in ****, just on the outskirts of London I am a bit of a joker by heart and love to laugh, but i can also be serious when i need to be! With the right person i am very affectionate and love to give cuddles. I go to the gym when i can and play rugby and cricket. I love cinema , theatre and nice restaurents, but will also be happy with the early bird at the harvester lol I have a good job in the city that keeps me busy, but i also know how to relax and let my hair down to. I love theme parks and anything involving an adrenaline rush. 
I have been single for over a year now and thought i would give this a go and see whats out there. It would be lovely to hear back from you. Take care
TMI. Quite simply chucking this much information at someone is a little overwhelming, I prefer to find out things by talking to people, tone it down and never reveal so much in a first message. Also please don’t ask how I’ve been getting on with the site, I get this all bloody the time and it’s annoying as hell. And now for the embarrassing bit...I did reply to this guy as he was pretty damn hot…I know I know I’m pathetic, should have trusted my instincts to be honest, I think my interest in him lasted all of five minutes, I can’t remember why exactly, but he probably had no banter.
Some people are fucking weird.
I think my opinion on these types of messages could be personal taste, I’m not sure…I do struggle to imagine what other women would think so I just prefer not to and assume my thoughts are normal…yeah right.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Fancy Chatting?

Yes Please
I love men to be 'real men'. I’m not asking for a caveman who drags his knuckles and hits me over the head with a dinosaur when I don’t shut up...but I do want a proper man!

There is nothing that annoys me more than men who apologise all the time, I love my readers and you sexy creatures really do come up with some great comments, Ms. Inconspicuous said it perfectly: “unless you have something to truly apologize for, don't. Or apologize for having an apparent spinectomy, because I only fuck guys with a backbone”.

Equally as annoying are the number of messages I get from guys who are basically asking if it’s okay to talk to me, I mean what the actual fuck?! Just bloody talk to me, I’m not your frigging teacher! Are you going to raise your hand when you need a bloody piss on our first date? Do you expect me to give you a grade at the end of it? Maybe a letter home to the parents? Men use your bloody balls or I will take it upon myself to detach them from your body, because quite frankly you don’t deserve them.

If a guy doesn't have the courage to take the initiative in starting a conversation then he's not exactly going to be the big man in the bedroom is he? I need a man who will just throw me across room, not one who asks if it's okay first...gentle doesn't do it for me.
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/4/2011 12:24:24 AM
how are u?
i like your profile and your pic
and would be nice to get to know you
dats if its ok with you and you wld like to.
wb x
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/13/2011 7:19:33 PM
Just stopped and read your profile and its
pretty cute.
I would love to know more about you so if
thats ok stop by and say hello.
c. x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 11:29:04 PM
You sound really nice and enjoyed looking at your profile!
I'm ****, live in **** too. Would you be interested in talking?
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/2/2011 7:12:05 PM
Hiya :)
How are you?
I hope you don't mind me messaging you :)
I really liked your profile, and I was just wondering if you fancied chatting a bit more?
**** x
Honestly why ask if it’s okay? According to my Dutch friends they believe the English are too polite and find it annoying when we aren’t direct, but what the Dutch call assertive I normally call rude…anyway here I can see their point because damn is this annoying. I don’t understand why they ask me if I’m interested in talking or if it's okay to contact me? I don’t care! If it’s not I’m just going to ignore please send me something interesting instead.

I get loads of these messages; most simply say “fancy chatting?” and I don’t really know what they expect me to reply with? They give me absolutely nothing to play I say “yes” because that’s clearly going to be the start of an enthusiastic fun filled conversation isn’t it! Instead of asking if I want a conversation, just bloody start one! It’s not difficult really.
Oh so true...

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:
“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 
Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 
I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”
I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****
First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx
It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 
Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx
Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.
From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx
Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...

Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!

Monday, 4 July 2011

Fussy? Me? Never!...

The most important part of online dating is the first contact. This is normally in the form of a private message, during my time on the sites I have quickly realised that there are four main types of message:
• The “hi”
• The “fancy chatting?”
• The “personal ad”
• The “you are gorgeous!”
They are all shit.

I’m a lazy cow when it comes to online dating, one lovely blogger Little Miss Daydream is trying to date based on advice from Diana Kirschner’s Love in 90 Days and Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson…I can safely say my approach to dating is basically pathetically rubbish compared to hers, she’s being proactive and has a really good attitude, whereas I’m basically being the annoying “hot girl” at school who expects a really attractive penis with a great personality to fall into her vagina. Little Miss Daydream also mentions the "Deadly Dating Patterns" and even though I’m not entirely sure what these are, I’m still pretty damn certain I could be a spokesperson for them.

I think the idea of online dating is to give guys you wouldn’t normally chat with a chance? But I’m sorry, I can’t with most of them! A cat walking over a keyboard could send me a better first message than some of the men on the internet.

And I know I’m a ‘Shallow Hal’ sometimes...especially online, if I don’t find a guy attractive then I don’t reply...even if he sends me a message to make comedians cry with laughter, I’m starting to think that maybe I should give these men an opportunity to prove that there is more to life than looks, but if I don’t find a guy hot then I will far too happily shove him into the friend zone and from my experience this ends in tears (theirs…) seriously men are such pussies!

I may come across as a bit of a bitch sometimes and as my mother so lovingly put “you’re getting to an age now where you can’t afford to be fussy” excuse me? I’m 22…I think I’ve got a few good years left in me yet! My ass has honestly never looked better and my boobs, well they deserve some kind of medal for the work they do each day defying gravity! Okay my tummy is hit or miss, sometimes it could give underwear models competition, other days it has the ability to appear pregnant and I'm offered to sit down on busy trains…I like to think it has a personality but in reality it’s more closely tied to my relationship with wine and pizza…worth it.
This has happened to me more than once...
So yes I may come across as a bit of a bitch but shockingly I do reply to some men…I know! At the moment I have about five guys in the ‘potential date arena’ and they are quite the mixture, although they all have similar personalities and are able to take my banter, brave men! I will update you on the progress of these boys in the future, including how they managed to send me a message that didn't make me want to kick them in the goolies!

To be honest five out of about five-hundred potential guys is a little fussy…I can admit that! But I am struggling with my inner whore-demon! I really want to find myself a decent guy who I can spend time with chatting, chilling, laughing, fucking but oh god does the whore-demon make some good points sometimes…right now she’s telling me it is a wonderful idea to let my guy friend/previous fuckbuddy come stay with me next week as he keeps hinting for an invite, I am very tempted as he is hilarious, a favourite pastime of his was to shout “nice boobs!” across the canteen and then of course I could only reply with “nice dick!” yeah he is a bit of a knob in reality…why do I always like the cocky little shits?

Some sexytimes would be very nice, I want to say yes but there is a problem other than my dream of a being a good girl, the problem is that he started seeing one of my good friends for a few weeks recently but being the selfish heartless bitch she is, she got bored of him. Great what’s the issue then? Well she is a crazy bunny boiler, one of these girls that if she touches a guy then her name is automatically tattooed on their head for life. Hmm problem. I really can’t be bothered with the drama…oh but she didn’t care that I had a thing with him first I hear you say? Well apparently girl code doesn’t apply to slags such as myself. Seriously sluts never get any respect!

I think I lost the point of this post but no worries…over the next week we will go into detail about the four types of message I listed above with some wonderful examples from the lads online. That’s something to look forward to! And I promise I am going to try harder to love the world and give even the revoltingly ugly people a chance, but not the moustache people! NEVER THE MOUSTACHE PEOPLE!

Friday, 1 July 2011

Mr. Stalker Moustache Man Part 2

Stalker moustache man strikes again!…if you don't know what I'm talking about take a little detour trip to a previous post.

Am I worried? Hell no! Right now I'm just really fucking amused with him!
Sent: Wed, 29 Jun
From: ****
Subject: have you...
...ever tried an australian kiss?
Okay this one does concern me a little...he really needs to start reading my blog posts, wednesday's would have been extremely helpful. Doesn't he know I write an online dating blog!?

If he was a proper stalker he would put more effort in! Mrs. Pickle said that she has a magnet on her fridge: "technically he is not a stalker until after he catches you" so honestly this dude should try and find out where I live, kidnap my pet unicorn Barry then hold him hostage until I agree to jump on his penis (stalker dudes not Barrys). Now that would grab my attention. I doubt he has even gone to the lengths of what Arlequín  suggested i.e. that "he probably spent hours making up a 'you' wallpaper, complete with fade in/out pics from your profile and suitably romantic songs" he is a lazy bastard to be completely honest. No wonder I haven't replied.
Sent: Fri, 1 Jul
From: ****
Subject: if you...
...don't start talking i'm going to have to spank you.
Clearly he believes being a kinky little shit is more my taste, I'm starting to think I should change my profile, I must look like some kind of nymphomaniac, if this poetic dreamworld moustache man thinks I'm a whore then it must be true!
From: ****
Subject: I just...
...can't get rid of you can i? I think you have a crush on me.
Ahh shit he caught me! How does he know! I've played it so cool yet clearly my animal lust is still raging through my silent ignorance towards him, damn!

I've got to the point where I'm incredibly tempted to reply, just so I can see his reaction although I'm worried his balls may blow up in shocked excitement...