Tuesday, 27 September 2011

So I have finally returned!...where's my party?

I know it’s been a while…but I did warn you...
Sorries for leaving
So what is going on in my life? Well I finished my masters LIKE A BOSS and I’m now applying for jobs all over the shizzle, I’ve got my first ever interview on Tuesday! Wish me luck!

And my love life you ask? What is going on with that?…a pure pathetic horrific disaster.

You were all bloody right about DK. Yes I said it. Yes it's killing me to admit it. Yes I was a massive stupid idiotic cow hypnotised by his penis...damn penis.

It also appears I am now a real life emotional wreck of a female, particularly when shots are involved…wonderful.

Therefore I am taking some new steps in my life; firstly I am now a revirgin (it’s a thing, shutup). I’m extremely proud of this right now and apparently even more proud after consuming a bottle of rum, oh yes the Captain Jack Sparrow in me felt the need to stand up on a bench and scream out “I AM A REVIRGIN!!!!” to the entire bar. Nice.

Secondly somewhat consequently after a disastrous week of me + drinking, I am banning myself from all alcohol. Except wine, but who’s crazy enough to give up something as essential and beautiful as that?
Is it wrong this get's me excited downstairs? Hell no, that is some beautiful shit
Thirdly I am no longer falling for douchebags. It’s definitely a recurring habit of mine, I always like the guy who treats me like crap and makes me hate myself. I’ve managed to do it twice this year, that’s pretty damn impressive if you ask me. A few years ago being a stupid slut with the King Douche was fine and dandy, but I’ve turned sensitive and apparently can’t handle it. Stupid female brain. Grrrrr.

So yes that is my life right now. I’m slowly getting over DK and the fact he treated me worse than a piece of shit on his shoe as soon as summer ended, slowly being the optimum word...if facebook was considered real life I would have a restraining order by now or possibly be imprisoned for stalking...come on...like you don't do it?! I’m going to find myself an amazing job (well, a job…with some money and hopefully not too much poo) and finally I am going to hunt down and capture Mr Right, it’s a shame Sonny Bill Williams lives so far away…
Oh look! It's my future husband

Friday, 19 August 2011

Whoreface Friday: Another one of those DK stories...

Saturday night was a big one, Scottish had invited me and my friend (who happens to be a girl, yeah I have female friends too) out with the guys, DK said he “might come” but I wasn’t going to force him…although I probably asked him a few too many times…what?...

The guys started drinking at around 11am because they are mental, DK was working until late and the ladyfriend had to feed the pigs, I didn’t really fancy spending an entire day drinking so made some excuse why I couldn’t go around until later.
The guys phoned me up at 6ish to get more beer and cigarettes, being a good little girl I provided for them, I’m going to be a great wife. Me and the lady got whored up and off we went. I got a phone call from DK to say he was coming out but wouldn’t be there until 10.30, he asked where we were and where I was staying, I told him I was staying at my place, he then asked where he was staying “wherever you want” so he decided he was staying at mine…(ooh I wonder where this story will end up? It’s like a mystery…) the house was about 2 minutes drive away from my place so DK said he would park at mine and I had to drive over and meet him, he was aware of the fact I was already completely fucked on rum…but 2 minutes in the countryside drink driving isn’t the worst thing.

At 10pm the minibus arrived outside the house even though Scottish (DK's best friend apparently) knew he wouldn’t be there, I said I would go back to mine and meet DK, this is the point one of the guys decided to pick me up and throw me into the bus, oh fuck. DK phoned to say he was about 10 minutes away, oh fuck! Somehow I ended up taking another taxi back home to meet him. I’m such a fucking mug.
Met up with DK and we managed to find Scottish in town, but the ladyfriend and the boys were missing, we decided to solve the problem with jagerbombs and shots. We got so drunk we didn’t even care that we couldn’t find them and instead another female friend of mine and her boyfriend magically appeared.

More drinking, Scottish was turned away from a club, more drinking, lost the female and her boyfriend, more drinking, got with a blackman, more drinking, DK dragged me away from the blackman, more drinking, guys kept hitting on me and then apologising to DK as they “didn’t realize I had a boyfriend” “he’s not my boyfriend” DK didn’t really say much…

We finally left the club and went back to the guys house, I may have broken…okay smashed a table into teeny pieces when I fell over…oops, I’m more dangerous than a fucking blind elephant sometimes. One of the guys appeared and fell into bed, we then realized my car was blocking in everyone and I had left the keys at my place, shit, so I needed to walk back get the keys then move my car, yes I was still fucking drunk…

I set off home with DK, promising to be back soon, as we navigated through the back of my campus through the trees and bushes an idea may have occurred…I’m not sure who initiated it (probably me to be honest...such a whore) but yeah I totally shagged DK outside on the grass with only a few trees between us and the road, it was fucking awesome! I mean sooo good! But yeah I had sex with DK again, damn my hungry vagina!

We got back to mine eventually, I grabbed my car keys changed out of my heels into cowboy boots (don't ask why I took this decision) and set off, DK offered to come with me but it was already like 5am and he had to work so I told him to go to bed. I obviously looked like a prostitute roaming the countryside in my boots and ass grazing miniskirt...so awful. When I got back to the guys house all the guys were there and gave me a cheer, I almost wonder if they thought a stripper had turned up…I drove home and realised that I didn’t have keys to get into my room. Oh fucking fuck and DK sleeps like a deadman, I had to climb in through my window, I forgot about this until I noticed the massive scratches on my legs…ooh classy!
I woke up this morning to find an arm around me, not going to lie that made me smile! I’m such a girl, DK ignored about a hundred beeps of the most annoying fucking alarm in the world, I hate iphones and they need to die, that noise is horrid. Eventually he got up said bye and drove off home leaving me to enjoy the disaster of a hangover alone, sat on the bathroom floor clutching a bottle of water hoping it will just end is so beautiful, also I learnt a lesson” don’t drink water while lying down, it will explode onto your face and try to drown you, it’s scary!

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Real life is a bitch

Firstly an apology for the lack of posts recently, I hate excuses so I won’t be making any, I’m just going to tell you how it is...
My dissertation is due in 4 weeks so like any good student I am panicking like a fucktard due to some amazing procrastination, did you know Dr Kellogg apparently invented cornflakes to prevent masturbation?...I’m also applying to jobs and PhDs like a cheap whore, I will literally take anything but because the shitty state of the bloody country every single bloody place wants a billion hours worth of bullshitting to say why you are perfect for the job! Such fun! I’m also having some major arguments with the parentals and my life is just generally shit and pretty fucking busy. I’ve given up with online dating for the moment, I don’t have the time and I’m moving home for a while, this sucks massive dry camel balls.

None of the above were excuses obviously because I hate excuses. In reality I’m just being a lazy overwhelmed idiot, the spare time I do get I’m talking to or playing hide the penis with DK, because I am still being a moron who enjoys being incredibly confused and used.

Next Saturday however shows promise! I’m going to a little reunion with my guys and housemates from university, so excited! I haven’t seen most of them in at least a year! Also my future husband and love of my life is attending, hopefully I can convince him that we should be together this year...Unfortunately he likes big scary whale women and well I’m not…I guess I could work on the fat thing but I’m never going to be a dominant person.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is sorry, I will try to throw out a post and keep you updated but until this dissertation disappears you probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of me, please don’t cry, I know, I know, I really am that special but this isn’t goodbye, this is just see you soon!

I have a post written for tomorrow already, so that’s something, although it’s another “I’m an idiot woman and this is what stupid thing I did with my vagina this week” post…

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Zombies Everywhere Interview

The more awesome whorish creatures among you should already be aware that I've done a little interview for the epic blog that is Zombies Everywhere! If you're not that awesome don't worry I will forgive you and you can make up for your failure with many sexual favours.

Go check out the post and the amazingness of his blog! I'm watching you...

Friday, 12 August 2011

Whoreface Friday: This is why I'm single...

DK is a massive knob (and not because he has one).

Last Saturday I went out with him and a bunch of the guys, it was a bloody good night! I didn’t spend anything thanks to the generosity of the boys and I managed to get completely fuckerdoodled. I know not to drink shots, jagerbombs, beer, cider and all that shit because it fucks me up but did it anyway…
When DK asked me to go he said that I could come providing I didn’t “cramp his style” what a fucking douche. Like he has any style to cramp? So I was out to make a point and not touch him all night.

We arrived and my favourite Scotsman was there waiting, he ran over grabbed me and went for his usual motorboat, the guys who didn’t know me looked pretty shocked…I assured them this was normal behaviour. I was told to down a glass of rum and coke then given a shot of jager, a fucking big shot, then a beer was shoved in my hand when we jumped in the taxi…oh yeah this was going to be a good night. In the taxi apparently I slapped DK, the reason I am unsure of and the Scottish shoved his penis in my face. Yes this was definitely going to be an epic night.
Fast forward to the final club of the night and damn I was drunk. We were stood outside and Scottish leant in for a kiss, I pushed him away. We do not do that; he is definitely not my type at all. His friend then did the same, I think I kissed him before thinking "oh fuck" and wondered off to chat to a bouncer I had befriended.

I’m not sure how it happened but I spent the majority of the night with the Australian friend who was fairly hot, we danced like sluts, we played some tonsil tennis and spent most of the night away from the rest of the guys only stopping occasionally to laugh at their atrocious pick up techniques.
Australians are hot and Ryan Kwanten is my favourite one of the moment
Australian disappeared for a while so I was stood with DK, Scottish and another friend. I don’t remember this (DK told me). It seems Scottish went in for a second attempt at getting with me and again I pushed him away, DK then turned to the other friend and said “watch this” then of course kissed me. I honestly hate the fucker but damn I like him too much…I’m such an idiot.

The Australian returned and eventually we left the club, the guys had some whores with them who stupidly jumped in the taxi. The men had lost interest in their sluts as soon as they bought their kebabs…plus I expect they didn’t look as great in a lit street as they did in a dark club. As we set off back to the house the girls seemed confused, the guys had told them they were going to a party somewhere, so they asked me what was going on, I’m a nice person so explained the situation and believe it was resolved…

I’m not entirely sure about the sequence of events leading up to the next moment but I was embarrassingly drunk. I somehow ended up sleeping with DK…. I KNOW I AM A FUCKTARD AND DESERVE ALL I GET. I honestly couldn’t understand how it happened. I was happily getting with my Australian, how had DK pulled a robbery? Well…I just found out. It seems that I told DK at some point in the club when he tried it on, that I wasn’t going to touch him as I “didn’t want to cramp his style” (me bitter? Never…) and he could do whatever he wanted, I’m not one of those needy girls, I could get with anyone and didn’t need him. At least something along those lines... It seems this annoyed dear DK and he decided to sleep with me to prove a point: that he basically has ownership over me or some shit. I am a little pissed off.

I am so aware that he uses me and it’s not fair. When I try to get over him he does shit like this? I just can’t help the fact that I really like him even though I’m aware nothing will ever come from it except some immense heartache. It would be easy to get over him but he phones me and we talk for a couple hours everyday fucking day! Last night he phoned me with the intention of phone sex, I basically told him to go fuck himself. I get it in my head that we are just friends and then he tries shit like that? Damning hell what is going on? Why do I always like the douchebags? I hate myself sometimes.

Back to the morning after the night before I woke up to find a mans arm around me...DK doesn't cuddle me even though he likes to snuggle because he "doesn't want to lead me on" a bit fucking late don't you think? One of the other guys had drunkenly stumbled into bed between DK and myself and snuggled in, it was pretty cute and I do like cuddles! DK was less impressed and told him in a few words to fuck off, I said it was fine but DK eventually kicked him out the room...
Story of my life
A little while later, the Australian, the Scottish and the Snuggler all turned up, they were still fucking drunk. The Aussie decided to attempt a dancing strip show, it didn't work because in his words "he wasn't drunk enough"...he then fell over. They then decided it was a great idea to shoot an ornamental bird with a gun while the Scottish held it, luckily no one died except the bird. Next DK was dragged out of bed and there was a crash in the hallway, they managed to break the banisters...luckily the snuggler found some orange netting to fix it...yeah that worked! DK drove us home pretty soon after...

Monday, 8 August 2011

Giving men a chance...

I’ve read everywhere that it’s important to have an open mind while online dating…my problem is that my mind is better fortified than a fucking castle…just for you beauties however I’ve recently been attempting to give all men a chance and not be such a judgemental fussy bitch…
If animals can make unlikely couples work then damnit I should be able to...
Men aren’t helping the cause however:
From: ****
Subject: Hi
hello x
Yep this guys is part of the 'hi crowd' what an idiot, I thought I would attempt some charity work and send him a reply out of the goodness of my heart in hope of finding the love of my life…okay he was hot.
From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Hey :)
How are you? Xx
I know, I’m a creative whore. I’m a woman, it’s not my job to try.
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
you not our tonight hun x
Eurgh I hate being called hun or babe, go fuck yourself darlin. But alas I continued to reply...
From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi
No I had a quiet one, sat in the field behind our halls drinking wine with my friend, was lovely to be honest :) what about you? xx
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
lovely white or red? i just went to the pub and had a few, nothing tto exciting. what u up to now xxx
Hmm a decntish reply, clearly doesn’t believe in capatilasation but that can be overlooked…this is looking more positive!
From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
Rose of course! I'm just getting ready to go to bed now, exciting times! xxx
Probably shouldn't have mentioned bed...it always makes men think about sex. Stupid woman.
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi
god good would u like it if i was there ;) lol xxx
Told you not to mention bed! Damn woman. Oh fuck did I get hopeful too soon? It could be a joke but the likelihood of that is fucking small…No thank you wankerface.
From: Little Miss Me
Subject: RE:Hi
Would be less boring I guess! But anyway I'm tired so night nights xx
Probably shouldn’t have put any encouragement at all…I thought this would be a good way to cut the conversation.
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
true it would be rather intresting ;) good night xxx
Maybe I was a judgemental bitch, must have been a joke. This guy is decent.
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
i reckon u could deepthroat very well ;) xx
What the actual fuck? Seriously? Where the hell did that come from? The fact it’s true is not the point (oh yeah I went there...)
From: ****
Subject: RE:RE:Hi
where would u let me cum ;) x
Honestly? I haven’t replied, I’ve not given any kind of hint that I am going to fuck you…do you really think this is going to end well? In order to cum you would have to get your penis near me first and I can tell you if that little maggot goes anywhere near my body it’s going to be chopped off and disposed of appropriately and painfully.

I am so close to giving up online dating but unfortunately I require it at the moment. Things with DK are not looking good even friendwise right now…fuck sake! Probably shouldn't have got with that Australian in front of him the other night...but it was his fault for saying I wasn't allowed to "cramp his style" in front of the common slags, my god he is a douchebag...why did I fuck him again? No wonder I'm single.

Friday, 5 August 2011

Whoreface Friday: I stole a future husband from my friend, while at a gay club...

I was going to write about duck necrophilia today as a beer for the shower requested but want to chat about my weekend instead so will save that for another Friday.
Saturday was a complete fucking failure and a half, due to what I now realise was my monthly 'crazy bitch before the bloodstorm' moment, I had a little…okay incredibly massive falling out with a ridiculously annoying mental bitch I met in London, causing my friend and I to be kicked out onto the streets with buggerall money. I'm a genius when arguing and told the bitch that there would be “karmic retribution” and that I would write her name on my arm saying that she “killed me” then get murdered so that she would be arrested…yeah I’m so logical! (Did I mention I was completely fucking drunk?) My friends just laughed at me, apparently I’m ditzy even when I’m angry. I’m actually scary! Grrr! See.

Anyway the two of us walked around London all night trying to figure out how to get home with no money. I eventually managed to blag a free train ride home at 8am and slept for the entire day.

I woke up at 9pm to find I had lots of missed calls and two voicemails from DK…one of which basically said he was coming up here and I should get myself prepared…does he think I’m a booty call? I’m not. I phoned him back and he wasn’t in the best of moods…honestly I have no fucking clue what is going on with DK, he phones me everyday and we chat for literally ages, he gets really flirty then asks me advice on girls, I’m trying my best to focus on just being really awesome friends but he makes it so difficult! Seriously why was he pissed off?

My gay friend then appeared and wanted to go out drinking, he offered to treat me to a night out, I was wide awake so thought fuck it! I jumped into the shower threw together my sluttyself in about 20 minutes (benefits of being a girl that often goes out with just the guys, they rarely give you 'getting pretty' time and will leave if you’re not ready!). We destroyed a big bottle of vodka and then set off to the gaynight at our favourite club.
My friend hates camp guys; he’s camp enough alone…so we were looking for a straight acting gay guy or a straight guy…yeah Bruce is a predator. We spotted a guy that was absolutely gorgeous and so tall! He was a better looking version of a guy I liked last year but never got to fuck (I will have to tell you that story…it’s a good one) anyway I am a genius wingman but less than subtle in the approach. I decided to “accidently” mistake the fitface giant for this other guy, so shouted the wrong name and waved at him, who could bloody believe it but it worked!

While Brucey flirted his little heart out I distracted the little ugly friend, damn I’m a good wingman I even had to look at photos of his fugly girlfriend “ooh she’s so pretty! You’re such a lucky guy!” I’m so damn good. Now something to note is that at all times my hands were full of two double vodka and cokes…we got through £80 of drink in about 4 hours plus the predrinking vodka…I was beyond fucked and I’m not entirely sure what happened next…
Barely related picture made me laugh. Deal with it.
My friend disappeared and I think the ugly friend did too…the hot lookalike started chatting to me…by chatting I mean snogging…oops…I think this is yet another example of how playing hard to get works, I hadn’t chatted to this guy all night while my friend played out his best game. I won. Oh and the dude was named Ash which caused me to sing the pokemon theme tune to him…I should write a pickup book!

The three of us left, don’t ask where the ugly friend went. I don’t have a fucking clue. My friend was less than impressed with the situation and apparently I stole his “future husband” and “I’m a back stabbing hoe she” it’s not my fault I’m irresistible and can even get a guy in a gayclub.
I went back to my room with Ash and things started getting a little heated and damn the guy had a fucking good body, I swear there was not an ounce of fat on him just pure muscle, it was weird, I quite like something a bit cuddly on a man to be honest…I'm so fussy! Then Bruce burst in the door! I think he shouted something along the lines of “whore!” at me then “ooh hello” at Ash before storming out…I should really learn to lock doors, this happens far too often…

Now the dude was hot, he had a very generously size penis but damn I was fucking drunk. While I was on top riding him like a racehorse the world started to spin like I was on the waltzers…I jumped off and…then I woke up the next day…yep I’m pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to change positions…oops? I actually felt so bad!

Bruce made me feel worse. “Did you even give him a blow job?!” Unusually for me I didn’t… “You didn’t deserve him! You wasted him! I would have given him an amazing night and you fell asleep!” “I’m sorry? The next time we go to the gay club I will let you have the guy”…Bruce still doesn’t find me funny and even after asking him not to tell DK about the incident he sent him a message saying I shagged his man just to be a bitch. No fair. Apparently I was calling Ash the wrong name all night and I totally didn’t have a clue what he was called when I woke up…far too reminiscent of my old whoring days…I desperately need to get myself a man before I become 'The Slag' again. Right now my brain wants that man to be DK but that’s never going to happen, I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable situation where he gets a girlfriend and is no longer allowed to talk to me.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The Worst Message Ever?

If you look like this then words aren't important...
In the past I have bitched about how much I hate messages that could have been created by a lively brick, aka the “hi” crowd. Well being the contradictory whore I am…of course I reply to some…

"But wait Little Miss Me! You are always telling us how shit and fucking lazy it is to simply send a “hi” and you basically said there is no way in hell you would ever reply to them! Did you lie?" Umm no?…not exactly…In most cases I will release my pet Gossamer to hunt the "hi" crowd down and hurt them, but I can make an exception for some men...and damn have a few fucking exceptions messaged me recently!

My profile has been up for a while now and I’ve noticed some big changes. I now receive wayyyy less messages, have I got ugly? Is my profile shitter? No. I’m just not fresh meat anymore. Men are absolute dogs for new toys. Plus dating sites list new profiles in a special glittery area…
Am I bovvered tho??? I’m not even bovvered. I now rarely get the creepy messages or the poems or the stalkers...(I'm slightly disappointed about the stalkers...) most messages that grace my inbox nowadays are from guys I’m actually interested in. Most. Not all…

I still get the occasional 'what the fuck were you thinking' message:
From: ****
Subject: Spoiling you
YOU'RE SO HOT & SEXY I"D REALLY LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT AND SPOIL YOU :) X
I hope you don"t mind me contacting you, I"m not weird or anything but I think you"re really lovely and I"d love an opportunity to meet you which I"d never find any other way than to message you here.
We could start with a shopping trip, dinner and a club, nothing too serious just a fun time to get to know each other as friends first.
What do you think ? I"ll take care of your expenses for the meeting.
First off he’s made the common mistake of informing me on how hot I am, seriously I own a mirror you know! Then he’s asking my permission...but at least he’s not weird…because it’s important to make a point of saying you’re NOT weird…seriously? You only say you’re not weird if you're currently residing in a room with incredibly comfy walls...

He’s also going straight for the meet on the first message…what a rookie mistake; only whores and idiots would agree to meeting after one message, even if he’s using his money as bait.
I don't care that this isn't relevant it is awesome
The poor student and goldigging slut in me shouts "chance it and get some free stuff! We love free stuff!" Unfortunately the piece of me that doesn’t want to be raped says it’s a bad idea. Damn her. Doesn't she understand FREE STUFF?!

Oh and his profile picture is a mirror shot of him in what I assume is a public restroom due to the urinals in the background…doesn’t scream billionaire Prince Charming…

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

I'm a Blog Slut

I know there was no post yesterday but I've been busy causing drama, stealing my gay friends "future husband" and being pretty damn hungover. I'm not sorry.

But luckily you can still read a beautiful guest post from myself on Elle's blog, because I like to get around like a common blog slut...it's a genius creeper survival guide, hope you enjoy it and tomorrow I will share some online dating hilarity!

Friday, 29 July 2011

Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.
Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…
An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.
I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…
Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…
YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really embarrassed...it wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

You Must Be This Tall To Ride Me

I’ve decided not to see Tom Cruise again, the results of the poll are pretty damn clear, but mainly it’s due to the shallow ass fact that I cannot cope with his height. Yes I’m aware it is a ridiculous reason in the eyes of height deficient men everywhere but I DON'T CARE.

I AM WOMAN AND HEIGHT MATTERS!

When I last mentioned that I wanted a man who is of a certain height our dear friend Maxwell had a little tantrum, he’s such a sensitive soul, bless him, it must be because he’s so short, emotions are more concentrated or something….

Now I’ve had a little think about why height is so important to me and well I’ve come up with a list of my top three reasons (I know you like lists Maxwell)...

1. I’ve always “dated” giants (I’m using dated to cover anything more than an ONS because I think it sounds better than “fucked on multiple occasions”). I just feel weird around short guys, to me being around a short man is like being around a dog that tries to shove it’s nose in inappropriate places...it's the same kind of awkwardness that you can’t really mention but everyone knows what is actually wrong.

2. I'm a crazy insecure bitch and like to feel teeny, tall guys make this happen, it's definitely not about the penis size, believe me being 6'4 does not mean you're hung like a bear...worst moment ever :( oh is that it?

3. I LOVE HIGH HEELS!!!! I mean I love them, I’m the kind of girl that will go into shoe shops and burst into tears at the sheer beauty of  a pair of heels and the fact I can’t afford them. I need a man to be taller than me even in my hooker heels.
SHOEGASM!!!!
So yep, I need a tall guy. I’m not saying I need a giant although that would be awesome! I have a weird crush for Hagrid…damn he’s a man and a half or rather five and half Maxwells.

Ideally I want a guy to be 6 foot and over but honestly I don't have a pissing clue how to tell height, I know if someone is the same height as me, I know if they are shorter than me but other than that I wouldn't have a pissing clue so I can pretty much class 5'10 and upwards as 6' it’s just how I roll.

Now what can you do if you are a short ass? Well don’t give up! Some people have a thing for fucking midgets, look at Katie Holmes!
This dude has to be hiding something in his pants...surely?
I was trying to think if I was a short man what I would do, I thought about adding an inch or two but I can hear the hatred from women shooting through me already. One thing with lying about your height is that you should expect the woman to be disappointed when she meets you…also don’t meet up with a woman who is taller than your real height, that would just be extra fucking awkward. I expect women probably don’t carry tape measures to dates to check heights but to the non-retards (aka not me) it’s pretty damn obvious.

Sorry to disappoint the shorties wanting a piece of my pancake but don’t worry I’m going to totally contradict myself and tell you I was seeing a guy who was 5’8 last year…

DISCLAIMER: Maxwell is not actually a midget and I would very much like to have sex with him.

Monday, 25 July 2011

I Just Had Sex...

The creepier stalkers among you may have noticed my blog address has changed, I decided to change it because I want to write about whatever I feel like sometimes, so thought "fuck it I’m going to change it so it’s all about me!" The online dating theme is staying because well that’s what I’m doing with my life and it’s too entertaining to give up, oh and I’ve been asked out for a drink by another fucking midget...do I have "I date shortarses" stamped on my forehead?! I even got a message recently from a little man saying that I was “the perfect girl for him” I’m 5’6 not a bloody a borrower!

I have some proper posts planned but today is going to be a shambles because I am stressed out, pissed off and hungover.

The evil neighbor bitch that was living next to me finally disappeared back home but she has now been replaced by something far worse!!! I didn’t think it was possible…this creature is a classical music fan, how do I know this? Well she plays it loud enough that my deaf dead granddad can bloody hear it, I fucking hate classical music because I am a common tramp, in retaliation I have taken to playing shit like the face down ass up song, Steel Panther, Lonely Island…basically anything I like that will without doubt piss off a retarded antisocial virgin. She has yet to get the point I’m making.

On Friday I went out with the guys (mistake…) and got ridiculously drunk, I shouldn’t treat alcoholic beverages like pokemon...one of the new guys attempted to flirt with me (bad decision, beware of women who can hang out with lads...not easy to charm) he decided to tell me that he'd waxed his chest before showing it off...great?... I decided it would be funny to scratch the red looking area, it was...but he was a pussy and said it hurt, so I did it again. He didn’t get lucky. Douche. Although according to DK the guy was a “gayboy” I asked Mr. Waxed Chest whether this was the case and he said he could prove he wasn’t, yeah I wasn’t falling for that fucking line again, he also snarled that DK was being a jealous dick, men are so sensitive. Pretty sure DK was anything but jealous.

After a while it ended up just me, DK and the Scotsman, both were supposed to be crashing at mine. The night was a mess of them flirting with MILFs, asking every Essex girl if they could see their vajazzle and DK shouting “Hey Fatty! Yeah I see you looking...” at some poor whale (probably my fault to be honest, I spent the entire night pointing at ugly women shouting “oh look it’s your girlfriend!” being an immature idiot is fun…) luckily for the guys everybody loves me, no bragging...they just do and whenever they pissed someone off in the mother hen swooped to sort it out. I’m awesome.
We finally made it back to my halls but not before some people threatened to call the police and shit when the Scotmans thought drunken driving around campus was a good idea, it is NEVER a good idea and I swear I nearly fucking died. Don’t drink and drive it’s fucking stupid even in an empty car park (yeah I can give out life lessons). We then decided to go in and rape my Irish friend who was sleeping but I got bored and went to bed, while I was gone it seems DK announced that he was going to try and shag me (yep I know what an absolute presumptive wanker) then demanded that the Scotsman sleep in the Irish’s room…there is another reason the new neighbour doesn’t like me…my bed is pretty damn creaky and DK has a massive penis, shockingly massive for a white guy…I had a bloody brilliant night. Yes I am a whore.

Interestingly I think I would class DK as one of my closest friends right now, which is weird…

I haven’t told you the story of DK before in detail but seem to mention him a lot so here it is very quickly:

  • My best friend was attempting to seduce DK’s friend 
  • We got to know each other 
  • We got drunk
  • We fucked
Romantic right!? Anyway now we chat everyday and we are practically bezzies, I think it’s something to do with us being birthday buddies although he’s two years younger than me…didn’t I mention that? Right now I’m helping him get with a friend who he has a teenage girl type crush on, I admit is a little strange but it works, although if they do end up properly together god damn I am going to miss that penis.

So yes that is my life right now. Once again I’m best friends with a guy I occasionally fuck, I really don’t know how this keeps happening but I think I’ve finally figured out how to make it work. Also DK said he would set me up with a rich Kent farmer, sounds good to me!

AND most importantly I am now over 50 followers which is so bloody awesome!!! I want to treat all you loyal beasts somehow but it would take too much time and effort to meet each of you for sex….I’m sure I will think of something, maybe I will get naked, rub some jello on me and take pictures while I roll around?

Friday, 22 July 2011

Whoreface Friday for Maxwell: Potato, Bucket and High Heels

Maxwell: "I would like to hear a story where a potato, a bucket, and enormously high heels all play a key role. Your choice on how they are integrated."

I had a little think and well I’ve tried my best to find the most relevant story, I can’t be bothered to make shit up so just deal with what I give you.

For Maxwell…

It’s a Wednesday so of course that means it’s time to get drunk and act like an idiot. My best friend who happens to be Irish had left the day before so I was ridiculous sad, in her honour we decided to get completely fucked and play the potato game: you shout potato in your best Irish accent. It’s less of a game and more of a bunch of easily amused drunken idiots shouting stuff…I feel we really honoured the Irish, the Irish doesn’t agree.

We dressed up in our best slagtastic costumes where high heels are of course a necessity! Still communicating by few words other than potato we stormed into the club, immediately the stairs attacked us! Yes attacked! I managed to survive thanks to my ninja skills however my friend became injured, pathetic. She still has a chunk of her leg missing to this day, she calls it a war wound, I call it learn to walk in heels you fucking retard. Heels really don’t like her, one made an escape for freedom recently in a taxi and she came home like a wonky donkey with only a single shoe…I feel sorry for the lost heel, the taxi driver is probably wanking over it, poor jizz stained heel, all alone in the world...

Fast forward through the night and everything is great, I’m drunk but still have vision (a rare event), then it happens…I don't know why but DK pissed me off, I’m pretty sure he was being a douchebag and I got mad (he probably ignored my attempts to fuck him...) in anger I charged over to the bar like a wild animal and ordered a line up of vodka shots...bam bam bam bam!!! I chucked those little fuckers back my throat. Done.

Surprisingly an hour later I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Shocking. I have a lovely memory of running to the toilets and chundering all over my boobs…great I could really have done with a BUCKET (I know grasping at straws but what?!). I managed to clean myself up…I think…and got some gum off the toilet attendant, one strip for £1! Was she actually kidding me?! Still this is the woman that made my friend pay £1 for a teeny plaster when I nearly chopped my finger off with a bottle and the bathroom looked like something out of the chainsaw massacre…maybe she can only count in pounds...I stumbled out of the toilets and there was a face I recognised waiting for me…a sort of acquaintance…oh shit did he see my vomcano? I bambi’ed over to him and uttered the sexiest sentence to ever exit my mouth… “do I smell like sick?” it was hot enough that he took me home and we played hide the penis…yeah that's how you pull people! Ask them if you smell like sick! I expect the leftover vom on my boobs probably gave the boys a lovely glistening effect...so yes another classy night.
Not the most exciting story I know but a little taster from my life, if you have any suggestions on a topic for future Whoreface Fridays that's awesome! I promise normally I'm not that disgusting, I barely ever get sick...

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're Wine

I am 22 years old. I am technically an adult (no one has to know my mental age…I still laugh at the word willy and balloon condom animals are hilarious...if you don't agree you have no soul). My dating profile says that I’m looking for men between 22 and 45, I chose that range because I have a fuckload of younger guys here, I don’t need to look on the internet for them (no I am not running some kind of rentboy business…) and I chose 45 as I don’t want to go any older than my dad (who I think is about 46…I think…) although if George Clooney or Johnny Depp messaged me then I’m sure I could make an exception…damn I would love to get them naked, throw some chocolate sauce on them and lick it off...

Anyway I’m not an ageist, a hot guy is a hot guy in my opinion and I don’t tend to pay attention to the ages of men that message me, unless they are 72 and call themselves "ViagraMan" or some shit.

The older men who actually message me however chuck their age in my face! I have no idea why they do it? And what’s worse they normally accept defeat before they even talk to me! Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!
From: ****
Subject: hi
hi fancy a chat or am i to old for you x
By now we know that fancy a chat is a shit message, hi as the subject is a shit message but then this dude mentions his age…what the hell kind of reason would I have for replying to this?
From: ****
Subject: hey
you have got gorgoues eyes and a beautiful smile hope ya well i know to old lol but pay a compliment where its due lol
Subject: Hi
From: ****
hi sexy, maybe im too old for you but me good good
Both these guys are 30…ummm excuse me but when did 30 become old? Seriously kill me now if I’m considered an OAP at 30, it’s ridiculous! The first one: why even message me? You’ve already lost before you pressed send, the second one isn’t much better but at least this idiot is clawing onto a teeny tiny strand of hope…
From: ****
Subject: hi
WOW ..what can i say?? please give an older man a heart attack by writing back to me!!
This is pretty cute I have to say but I still don’t understand mentioning your age, I know the heart attack thing is a joke but I don’t want to think that if I fuck you then you might die, that’s some shit I could deal without right there.
From: ****
Subject: hello
hello pitty you are young as i really liked your profile would be nice to hear from you as you look really nice take care
Why don’t you just give me a pat on the head and be more patronising. I may still get asked for ID everytime I buy alcohol because the shop retards think I look 17 but I am a bloody grown up thank you.
From: ****
Subject: Grrrrr
Wish I was 22 again
What the actual fuck is the point of this message? Oh great well it’s your lucky day because I’m only a bloody genie that can grant some awesome fucking wishes!

Anyway men please don’t mention your age. It’s on your profile so I can see it, don’t make it an obvious reason for me to ignore you. Bloody idiots.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Date #1 - Meet Tom Cruise

On Saturday I went on my first ever internet date! This was a major thing for me as it was technically only my second date ever in the history of the world! Yeah people don’t tend to take you on dates when you’re a whore and use sex as an introduction technique…

I was majorly nervous but my friend convinced me to go...well forced me to go...I found him waiting for me and HE WAS SHORT...well he was the same height as me (possibly a teeny bit taller) I’m pretty average at 5’6 but for a guy that is damn short.

The date was actually awesome, he’s funny, he’s got a fit face, an awesome job and there was no awkwardness, well apart from my brain going "oh my god I must look like a giant, yep I’m going to stand on him and he will die, bloody big feet, oh my god I will be a murderer with my clown feet and my massive hands, his hands are so little, I’m like a bloody man, wait maybe people think I’m a man dressed as a woman, they think I'm a drag queen, do I look like a man!?! Oh my god that is why people are staring!!!" I’m really good at winding myself up…they were probably staring because I looked fucking hot to be honest.

Anyway the date was great fun and time went really quickly, possibly faster due to the amount of alcohol I consumed (all bought by him scoring major manpoints) unfortunately he didn’t get taller, pretty disappointing...maybe I should have accepted that sixth glass of wine but I could already hear myself slurring and not entirely making sense, a band was also setting up in the pub and it was taking all my power of politeness not to eye fuck the guitarist who was hot as hell...so yes Mr. Cruise didn't get taller but I think it was the right decision to stop drinking...

We said a slightly awkward goodbye, I knew he was going to go in for the kill but I wasn't interested (surprising for me, I will normally play tongue tennis with anyone just for the entertainment) but I decided it was a bad idea plus I had been feeling poorly for a few days (forgot to mention my voice sounded like a dying toad, I hope he doesn't think that's my natural sound...yep people definitely thought I was a drag queen with that bloody raspy voice as well DAMNIT) anyway it turns out I probably have bloody glandular fever or mono for you special American creatures, worst thing about this is that I haven't even been out whoring, that is so bloody unfair!!! If I have to deal with the kissing disease it would have been nice to at least of kissed some people!

So back to Tom Cruise...He is literally the perfect guy except for his height and I feel like a shallow cow saying that, I would love to have him as a friend but I doubt I could cope with the height thing…I’m used to men being at least 6’ and well he’s just not...

So now I'm stuck. What is the best plan of action?...he's definitely interested in seeing me again and sent me a message later that night saying "best day ever today" damn why am I so fucking awesome! I think I'm just going to see what happens, nothing bad can come of seeing him again I guess...

Friday, 15 July 2011

Introducing Whoreface Fridays


I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Yes.”
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.
When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Community Property

This picture is totally relevant further on in the post...
So I feel it is my responsibility to tell you all that I will be MIA in the blogosphere until Saturday…why you ask?!? Well I’m going to be having loads of sex this week until eventually my cumbucket falls off…not really…well actually I’m not sure, I have certain "opportunities" in the next few days but I’m really trying to battle my inner slutbag, unfortunately the whore normally wins when there’s vodka involved and I want to make vodka jelly. My vodka jelly has been described as more dangerous than rohypnol before...should be a good week YAY PENIS.

Anyway I won’t be posting until Saturday because I have a sexy ladyfriend coming to stay with me and we want to go adventuring for a few days. We’ve managed to convince my neighbour we are lesbians. I hate my neighbour. She’s the most evil bitch in the entire world; she recently told me that I should work like a proper masters student “well excuse me if I’m too fucking clever to work all the time! It’s not my fault I’m hot, awesome and intelligent!” Brave woman to think asking three drunken idiots in a room screaming along to Steel Panther to keep it quiet “we will be as loud as we want until 11, that’s the law, the halls law!!! Every minute you waste of our time goes into your time! PLEASE PLEASE TRY TO FINE ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE OLD MAN!!!” stupid cow should learn her place, nothing worse than an antisocial idiot who looks like an old man, acts like the queen and has a favourite hobby of getting me into the shit.

I was on a bitch of a mission to shout at all the bastards on my campus that night, including pervert man who has naked pictures of me because he is a creepy stalker pervert (it wasn’t my best idea to go streaking…I blame Captain Morgan for that one! Told you the picture at the beginning was relevant...), I faintly remember shouting at him that he was a disgusting pervert and deserved to be raped by a necrophiliac (big word when you’re drunk…) duck, it’s not as random as it sounds, I studied duck necrophilia at uni…see completely normal.
Back to the point of the post. I feel it is my duty to apoligise for choosing real life over my favourite bunch of sexpest readers, in your honour I’m open to suggestions on how I can make it up to you! If any are awesome enough I will totally try my best to do them, I love a dare.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

The Online "Personal Ad"

It's important to have standards...
Today we are going to be looking at yet another common personal message. The “personal ad”.

I’m going to admit that these are not the worst messages to receive, they give some insight into the person sending them which is good, but they probably piss me off more than the ‘wow you are hot!” messages...at least those are entertaining and about me! Yes I am a self obsessed attention seeker, why the hell would I care what your interests are, it's all about me thanks...

'Personal Ads' are typical bulk messages. Most of them a guy could send out to hundreds of women, now I have no quarrels with playing the numbers game, the more women you message the better but I can’t stand it when it’s so bloody obvious I am just one of the zillion.

Contradictory? Yes maybe. You want to message a lot of ladies but you need to make sure each one feels special. A massive mistake is talking to the majority; never ever send a message which addresses women as a collective, you always want to talk to the individual!
Brilliant and importantly directed at the individual...
From: ****
Subject: I hope you have a great day!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.
From: ****
Subject: My dream? To meet a new partner for a serious relationship!
Well...I'm a smart, easy-going person open for new relationships, flirts and online dates! I like going out, jogging and seeking out like-minded online friends ...write me back soon if you like me.
Here we have two different guys but exactly the same message. This is either an auto message or a suggested template. If any of you lot use these expect me to find out! I will then hunt you down and shove a crocodile up your arsehole because it is fucking disrespectful to female intelligence. Do men really think women aren’t aware of these? Yes sure the newbies and the blondes may not notice but any woman worth knowing will definitely pick up on them, for one there aren’t any grammar mistakes, that’s a big telltale on dating sites because as we all know men on the internet are illiterate chavvy morons.
From: ****
Subject: Howdi
i have looked and liked your profile and would love to know more about you and hopefully for you to get to know more about me too .... 
Myself im ****, 25, from **** and i enjoy a wide range of things and can have my crazy moments like everyone, im easy to get on with and love to do many things and see new places etc, i do have a hobby in music as a dj /producer and would love to make that a career in the future. 
if you wish to speak more away from here i can speak on facebook, msn, skype, or mobile
Looking forward to hear back from you soon
**** ;-)
This message isn’t awful but there isn’t anything personal, he says he’s looked at my profile yet doesn’t say anything remotely relevant about it. Maybe I’m being a bit of a judgemental negative bitch but to me this could have been sent to anyone and I’m worth more...(no wonder I'm having no luck really, I must try harder to be sugary sweet, I think I'm going to need a "give men a chance week" should be interesting...)
Subject: hi i have attached a pic x
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:36:19 PM 
Hi, i had a quick peek at your profile and you seem rather nice. How have you been getting on with this site? about me...... I am 28 yr old, i am a professional guy working in the city, i have my own house in a small country village in ****, just on the outskirts of London I am a bit of a joker by heart and love to laugh, but i can also be serious when i need to be! With the right person i am very affectionate and love to give cuddles. I go to the gym when i can and play rugby and cricket. I love cinema , theatre and nice restaurents, but will also be happy with the early bird at the harvester lol I have a good job in the city that keeps me busy, but i also know how to relax and let my hair down to. I love theme parks and anything involving an adrenaline rush. 
I have been single for over a year now and thought i would give this a go and see whats out there. It would be lovely to hear back from you. Take care
TMI. Quite simply chucking this much information at someone is a little overwhelming, I prefer to find out things by talking to people, tone it down and never reveal so much in a first message. Also please don’t ask how I’ve been getting on with the site, I get this all bloody the time and it’s annoying as hell. And now for the embarrassing bit...I did reply to this guy as he was pretty damn hot…I know I know I’m pathetic, should have trusted my instincts to be honest, I think my interest in him lasted all of five minutes, I can’t remember why exactly, but he probably had no banter.
Some people are fucking weird.
I think my opinion on these types of messages could be personal taste, I’m not sure…I do struggle to imagine what other women would think so I just prefer not to and assume my thoughts are normal…yeah right.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Fancy Chatting?

Yes Please
I love men to be 'real men'. I’m not asking for a caveman who drags his knuckles and hits me over the head with a dinosaur when I don’t shut up...but I do want a proper man!

There is nothing that annoys me more than men who apologise all the time, I love my readers and you sexy creatures really do come up with some great comments, Ms. Inconspicuous said it perfectly: “unless you have something to truly apologize for, don't. Or apologize for having an apparent spinectomy, because I only fuck guys with a backbone”.

Equally as annoying are the number of messages I get from guys who are basically asking if it’s okay to talk to me, I mean what the actual fuck?! Just bloody talk to me, I’m not your frigging teacher! Are you going to raise your hand when you need a bloody piss on our first date? Do you expect me to give you a grade at the end of it? Maybe a letter home to the parents? Men use your bloody balls or I will take it upon myself to detach them from your body, because quite frankly you don’t deserve them.

If a guy doesn't have the courage to take the initiative in starting a conversation then he's not exactly going to be the big man in the bedroom is he? I need a man who will just throw me across room, not one who asks if it's okay first...gentle doesn't do it for me.
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/4/2011 12:24:24 AM
how are u?
i like your profile and your pic
and would be nice to get to know you
dats if its ok with you and you wld like to.
wb x
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/13/2011 7:19:33 PM
Hi
Just stopped and read your profile and its
pretty cute.
I would love to know more about you so if
thats ok stop by and say hello.
c. x

Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 11:29:04 PM
Hey,
You sound really nice and enjoyed looking at your profile!
I'm ****, live in **** too. Would you be interested in talking?
Xxx
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 7/2/2011 7:12:05 PM
Hiya :)
How are you?
I hope you don't mind me messaging you :)
I really liked your profile, and I was just wondering if you fancied chatting a bit more?
**** x
Honestly why ask if it’s okay? According to my Dutch friends they believe the English are too polite and find it annoying when we aren’t direct, but what the Dutch call assertive I normally call rude…anyway here I can see their point because damn is this annoying. I don’t understand why they ask me if I’m interested in talking or if it's okay to contact me? I don’t care! If it’s not I’m just going to ignore you...so please send me something interesting instead.

I get loads of these messages; most simply say “fancy chatting?” and I don’t really know what they expect me to reply with? They give me absolutely nothing to play on...do I say “yes” because that’s clearly going to be the start of an enthusiastic fun filled conversation isn’t it! Instead of asking if I want a conversation, just bloody start one! It’s not difficult really.
Oh so true...

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:
“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 
Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 
I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”
I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****
First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx
It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 
Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx
Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.
From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx
Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...


Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!

Monday, 4 July 2011

Fussy? Me? Never!...


The most important part of online dating is the first contact. This is normally in the form of a private message, during my time on the sites I have quickly realised that there are four main types of message:
• The “hi”
• The “fancy chatting?”
• The “personal ad”
• The “you are gorgeous!”
They are all shit.

I’m a lazy cow when it comes to online dating, one lovely blogger Little Miss Daydream is trying to date based on advice from Diana Kirschner’s Love in 90 Days and Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson…I can safely say my approach to dating is basically pathetically rubbish compared to hers, she’s being proactive and has a really good attitude, whereas I’m basically being the annoying “hot girl” at school who expects a really attractive penis with a great personality to fall into her vagina. Little Miss Daydream also mentions the "Deadly Dating Patterns" and even though I’m not entirely sure what these are, I’m still pretty damn certain I could be a spokesperson for them.

I think the idea of online dating is to give guys you wouldn’t normally chat with a chance? But I’m sorry, I can’t with most of them! A cat walking over a keyboard could send me a better first message than some of the men on the internet.

And I know I’m a ‘Shallow Hal’ sometimes...especially online, if I don’t find a guy attractive then I don’t reply...even if he sends me a message to make comedians cry with laughter, I’m starting to think that maybe I should give these men an opportunity to prove that there is more to life than looks, but if I don’t find a guy hot then I will far too happily shove him into the friend zone and from my experience this ends in tears (theirs…) seriously men are such pussies!

I may come across as a bit of a bitch sometimes and as my mother so lovingly put “you’re getting to an age now where you can’t afford to be fussy” excuse me? I’m 22…I think I’ve got a few good years left in me yet! My ass has honestly never looked better and my boobs, well they deserve some kind of medal for the work they do each day defying gravity! Okay my tummy is hit or miss, sometimes it could give underwear models competition, other days it has the ability to appear pregnant and I'm offered to sit down on busy trains…I like to think it has a personality but in reality it’s more closely tied to my relationship with wine and pizza…worth it.
This has happened to me more than once...
So yes I may come across as a bit of a bitch but shockingly I do reply to some men…I know! At the moment I have about five guys in the ‘potential date arena’ and they are quite the mixture, although they all have similar personalities and are able to take my banter, brave men! I will update you on the progress of these boys in the future, including how they managed to send me a message that didn't make me want to kick them in the goolies!

To be honest five out of about five-hundred potential guys is a little fussy…I can admit that! But I am struggling with my inner whore-demon! I really want to find myself a decent guy who I can spend time with chatting, chilling, laughing, fucking but oh god does the whore-demon make some good points sometimes…right now she’s telling me it is a wonderful idea to let my guy friend/previous fuckbuddy come stay with me next week as he keeps hinting for an invite, I am very tempted as he is hilarious, a favourite pastime of his was to shout “nice boobs!” across the canteen and then of course I could only reply with “nice dick!” yeah he is a bit of a knob in reality…why do I always like the cocky little shits?

Some sexytimes would be very nice, I want to say yes but there is a problem other than my dream of a being a good girl, the problem is that he started seeing one of my good friends for a few weeks recently but being the selfish heartless bitch she is, she got bored of him. Great what’s the issue then? Well she is a crazy bunny boiler, one of these girls that if she touches a guy then her name is automatically tattooed on their head for life. Hmm problem. I really can’t be bothered with the drama…oh but she didn’t care that I had a thing with him first I hear you say? Well apparently girl code doesn’t apply to slags such as myself. Seriously sluts never get any respect!

I think I lost the point of this post but no worries…over the next week we will go into detail about the four types of message I listed above with some wonderful examples from the lads online. That’s something to look forward to! And I promise I am going to try harder to love the world and give even the revoltingly ugly people a chance, but not the moustache people! NEVER THE MOUSTACHE PEOPLE!