Whoreface Friday: I stole a future husband from my friend, while at a gay club...

I was going to write about duck necrophilia today as a beer for the shower requested but want to chat about my weekend instead so will save that for another Friday.

Saturday was a complete fucking failure and a half, due to what I now realise was my monthly 'crazy bitch before the bloodstorm' moment, I had a little…okay incredibly massive falling out with a ridiculously annoying mental bitch I met in London, causing my friend and I to be kicked out onto the streets with buggerall money. I'm a genius when arguing and told the bitch that there would be “karmic retribution” and that I would write her name on my arm saying that she “killed me” then get murdered so that she would be arrested…yeah I’m so logical! (Did I mention I was completely fucking drunk?) My friends just laughed at me, apparently I’m ditzy even when I’m angry. I’m actually scary! Grrr! See.

Anyway the two of us walked around London all night trying to figure out how to get home with no money. I eventually managed to blag a free train ride home at 8am and slept for the entire day.

I woke up at 9pm to find I had lots of missed calls and two voicemails from DK…one of which basically said he was coming up here and I should get myself prepared…does he think I’m a booty call? I’m not. I phoned him back and he wasn’t in the best of moods…honestly I have no fucking clue what is going on with DK, he phones me everyday and we chat for literally ages, he gets really flirty then asks me advice on girls, I’m trying my best to focus on just being really awesome friends but he makes it so difficult! Seriously why was he pissed off?

My gay friend then appeared and wanted to go out drinking, he offered to treat me to a night out, I was wide awake so thought fuck it! I jumped into the shower threw together my sluttyself in about 20 minutes (benefits of being a girl that often goes out with just the guys, they rarely give you 'getting pretty' time and will leave if you’re not ready!). We destroyed a big bottle of vodka and then set off to the gaynight at our favourite club.

My friend hates camp guys; he’s camp enough alone…so we were looking for a straight acting gay guy or a straight guy…yeah Bruce is a predator. We spotted a guy that was absolutely gorgeous and so tall! He was a better looking version of a guy I liked last year but never got to fuck (I will have to tell you that story…it’s a good one) anyway I am a genius wingman but less than subtle in the approach. I decided to “accidently” mistake the fitface giant for this other guy, so shouted the wrong name and waved at him, who could bloody believe it but it worked!

While Brucey flirted his little heart out I distracted the little ugly friend, damn I’m a good wingman I even had to look at photos of his fugly girlfriend “ooh she’s so pretty! You’re such a lucky guy!” I’m so damn good. Now something to note is that at all times my hands were full of two double vodka and cokes…we got through £80 of drink in about 4 hours plus the predrinking vodka…I was beyond fucked and I’m not entirely sure what happened next…

Barely related picture made me laugh. Deal with it.

My friend disappeared and I think the ugly friend did too…the hot lookalike started chatting to me…by chatting I mean snogging…oops…I think this is yet another example of how playing hard to get works, I hadn’t chatted to this guy all night while my friend played out his best game. I won. Oh and the dude was named Ash which caused me to sing the pokemon theme tune to him…I should write a pickup book!

The three of us left, don’t ask where the ugly friend went. I don’t have a fucking clue. My friend was less than impressed with the situation and apparently I stole his “future husband” and “I’m a back stabbing hoe she” it’s not my fault I’m irresistible and can even get a guy in a gayclub.

I went back to my room with Ash and things started getting a little heated and damn the guy had a fucking good body, I swear there was not an ounce of fat on him just pure muscle, it was weird, I quite like something a bit cuddly on a man to be honest…I'm so fussy! Then Bruce burst in the door! I think he shouted something along the lines of “whore!” at me then “ooh hello” at Ash before storming out…I should really learn to lock doors, this happens far too often…

Now the dude was hot, he had a very generously size penis but damn I was fucking drunk. While I was on top riding him like a racehorse the world started to spin like I was on the waltzers…I jumped off and…then I woke up the next day…yep I’m pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to change positions…oops? I actually felt so bad!

Bruce made me feel worse. “Did you even give him a blow job?!” Unusually for me I didn’t… “You didn’t deserve him! You wasted him! I would have given him an amazing night and you fell asleep!” “I’m sorry? The next time we go to the gay club I will let you have the guy”…Bruce still doesn’t find me funny and even after asking him not to tell DK about the incident he sent him a message saying I shagged his man just to be a bitch. No fair. Apparently I was calling Ash the wrong name all night and I totally didn’t have a clue what he was called when I woke up…far too reminiscent of my old whoring days…I desperately need to get myself a man before I become 'The Slag' again. Right now my brain wants that man to be DK but that’s never going to happen, I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable situation where he gets a girlfriend and is no longer allowed to talk to me.