Keep it in your pants people

I love a guy who is honest. I love a guy who takes control. I love a guy who can grab my attention.

I do not love a guy who thinks sending me one of the following messages is a good idea…

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis (normally I remove the usernames for the sake of anonymity but I feel that they only add to horror show this time)
u wanna hav sum hard dirty sex??

Oh yes please, I have always dreamed of having dirty sex with a random off the internet! Let’s meet up now! I can’t wait any longer! SEX MEEEE HARDDD!!!!! Seriously what does this idiot expect me to reply with?

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis
WOW what i wood like 2 do 2 u.... Hmmmmmm

Same guy as above but a day later, clearly he believed a slightly different tactic would work…is the use of “wood” showing his intellectual witty side? Doubt it.

Also men pay attention: text speak equals chav and are you a chav? No!? Well don’t use it then! And if you are a chav…dreadfully sorry...holla sup 2 de kids Lambrini n Mercedes, ure trackysuit is lookin wel fit like n pls dnt stab us bro!…

I’m not sure if you have chavs in America and the rest of the world? Therefore here is a beautiful flock of the common chav, for more information watch Little Britain and wait for Vicky Pollard to appear...

Subject: Hi
From: mrblond74
id give you a ride you would never forget lol

Umm…so...is this guy a pervert or a comedian? Adding “lol” to the end doesn’t make it a joke, it just makes you a retard.

From: randyfkr
Subject: Hi
Hi, nice photos, I do like pussys. Randy xx

I think it’s important to mention that the sender of this message was 67…I don’t think I need to say much more…disgusted to be honest. Sorry but I don’t have any Daddy issues or rather Grandaddy issues in this case…other women may like the grey haired, viagra dependent, arthritic types but it's just not for me...

Subject: Hi
From: luckybastard
ribbit better gis a kiss and see ;oP

The best of a bad bunch, I mentioned something about Prince Charming in my profile so he was being creative but I can safely say that this dude is not going to be a lucky bastard like his name suggests.

Okay I understand that some people are on dating sites for the sex, nothing wrong with that, but there isn’t anything on my profile that suggests I'm only logging on to keep my foofy entertained! So why do I keep getting these messages? Do I look like a common slag who is definitely DTF? And if it’s not sexual propositions I’m getting then it’s ridiculous poems…I received another one yesterday AND a message from stalker moustache man 25 days after his last attempt…dude it’s really time to give the fuck up!

The worse thing about the above messages is that they are actually not the most offensive...the truly awful ones I've been sent I wouldn't even force my most hated enemy to read...well that's a lie, right now I would probably send them her address and tell them she has a kidnap fetish...joking! Probably...

So men, how can you sit at your computer, write out these messages and think “I am sooo going to get me some pussy when the ladies read this! Damn I'm a creative charming motherfucker!” Honestly are you that much of an idiot? Would you go up to a woman in the street and say the same thing? Actually it wouldn't surprise me if some of these guys would...people are weird.

Everyone's A Poet

Completely unrelated photo I know...but it's funny and the poem pictures were rubbish man!

Poems.

Poems.

Poems.

Umm yes, so poems.

What can I say? I’m sure you are sat at your computer, thinking of wonderful romantic ways of wooing the women and OF COURSE! It is so simple! A poem! Yes the women will be throwing their panties at you once you copy and paste some badly selected rhyming shit into their inbox. Sorted. Now sit back and watch that pussy role in, girls are suckers for romance right? NO. NO. NO!

Naïve women will perhaps get a flutter in their tummy or somewhere downstairs reading a poem but honestly in my opinion there is no personal touch. Maybe if you include my name, add something from my profile, WRITE IT YOURSELF, then who knows?

Poems are so awkward. AWKWARD. Two weeks ago a friend shared some of his poems AND the inspiration behind them with me…it took all my willpower to hold in my laughter…I managed an “awww how lovely” before I shoved wine into my face…I was praying he wouldn’t mention them again but he continued and attempted to ask me questions…my head was screaming "don’t laugh! And why did you choose wine? Wine is completely the wrong drink! You should have known! You stupid heartless immature child! There is only so long you can gulp down wine without wanting to become a little vomcano!"…thankfully I finished my glass, leapt to my feet and declared “oh I am out of wine, I shall go get us another bottle! Why don’t you show her *pointing at my friend* your poems?” The look on her face was amazing, something out of a cartoon when a piano is about to fall on your face; oh yes we were out in a group…I know…the other people at the table had all turned away and left me to deal with the wannabe poet but oh no bitches! It’s your turn now muahahahaa!!!!! Luckily the other guy with us told him to put his poems away and stop ruining the banter…yes so poems are so awkwardly awful for the every situation…I feel I have to admit that I slept with poem dude later that night...but that was a completely drunken douche of a decision and was definitely in spite of the poems than because of them…FML

Anyway here is the last poem I received online, if I pretended to read it then you can too!

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.


I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.


You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.


We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.


We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.


Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.


Love
x

Skimmed it? All I got was “lie on the ground, just you and me, wet, pink, thinking, that one special place,” umm what?! Maybe poems aren’t meant to be read that quickly…whatever, there was no way in hell I was replying to the the creator/copier. This is definitely the kind of guy who would meet me, skin my head, then use my hair to dress his cats.