Friday, 24 June 2011

Everyone's A Poet

Completely unrelated photo I know...but it's funny and the poem pictures were rubbish man!



Umm yes, so poems.

What can I say? I’m sure you are sat at your computer, thinking of wonderful romantic ways of wooing the women and OF COURSE! It is so simple! A poem! Yes the women will be throwing their panties at you once you copy and paste some badly selected rhyming shit into their inbox. Sorted. Now sit back and watch that pussy role in, girls are suckers for romance right? NO. NO. NO!

Naïve women will perhaps get a flutter in their tummy or somewhere downstairs reading a poem but honestly in my opinion there is no personal touch. Maybe if you include my name, add something from my profile, WRITE IT YOURSELF, then who knows?

Poems are so awkward. AWKWARD. Two weeks ago a friend shared some of his poems AND the inspiration behind them with me…it took all my willpower to hold in my laughter…I managed an “awww how lovely” before I shoved wine into my face…I was praying he wouldn’t mention them again but he continued and attempted to ask me questions…my head was screaming "don’t laugh! And why did you choose wine? Wine is completely the wrong drink! You should have known! You stupid heartless immature child! There is only so long you can gulp down wine without wanting to become a little vomcano!"…thankfully I finished my glass, leapt to my feet and declared “oh I am out of wine, I shall go get us another bottle! Why don’t you show her *pointing at my friend* your poems?” The look on her face was amazing, something out of a cartoon when a piano is about to fall on your face; oh yes we were out in a group…I know…the other people at the table had all turned away and left me to deal with the wannabe poet but oh no bitches! It’s your turn now muahahahaa!!!!! Luckily the other guy with us told him to put his poems away and stop ruining the banter…yes so poems are so awkwardly awful for the every situation…I feel I have to admit that I slept with poem dude later that night...but that was a completely drunken douche of a decision and was definitely in spite of the poems than because of them…FML

Anyway here is the last poem I received online, if I pretended to read it then you can too!

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.

I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.

You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.

We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.

We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.

Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.

Skimmed it? All I got was “lie on the ground, just you and me, wet, pink, thinking, that one special place,” umm what?! Maybe poems aren’t meant to be read that quickly…whatever, there was no way in hell I was replying to the the creator/copier. This is definitely the kind of guy who would meet me, skin my head, then use my hair to dress his cats.


Mrs. Pickle said...

I was dating an older man once who one night pulled out a bunch of poetry. My vagina went so damn dry that not even a bottle of astroglide would have lubed it up. I can’t stand that kind of shit. It was awkward as hell!

Sage said...

I may be a special case, but I gotta admit: I love poetry!

Now, I've never actually had poetry sent to me during my adventures with online dating, but I do think if I was dating someone and he wrote me a poem and it was actually GOOD, I might just fall in love.

Then again, I have a deep obsession with language and poetry is one of my favorite things to read, so... I could be an exception.

Kiss said...

Ugh, yeah, no. NO POEMS. Not a fan. I mean, I CAN be attracted to the artistic/creative type of guy (who needs to also be ridiculously good looking) i.e. musician, actor, writer, etc. Poetry, however, just never did it for me.

And to receive a poem like that on an online dating site? PSYCHO. Block, block and block.

Maxwell said...

I love the tagline you put on the picture. I'm not sure truer words have ever been spoken.

Ashley said...

I didn't even get as far as you got, poetry is a another form of "I'm trying to bang you but be the sensitive type who won't leave you in the morning". Ew whatever! You should have chosen tequila, something strong to numb your senses

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

LMAO! I LOVE how you skimmed the poem. That's just awesome.
Poems aren't my thing either ;)

Rosie said...

I made a bet with myself to read the poem all the way through. But, nope, couldn't do it even for you. Awful. Will you be tackling those silly cut and paste "erotic stories" next. I was offered one of those stories this week "to generate some chemisty." Guess my response?

Anonymous said...

Online dating is just as much subject to social Darwinism as anything else... stop giving away hints and tips! It makes it harder for the rest of us if the clueless start getting one!


Riff Dog said...

I did read the whole thing, thinking there might be a punchline at the end. Nope.

You're in top form with the post, by the way. I particularly like "The look on her face was amazing, something out of a cartoon when a piano is about to fall on your face."

Little Miss Me said...

Mrs. Pickle – Hahahaa I love it, I’m completely there with you, any over the top romantic shit is not my kind of thing anyway but poetry eurgh the awkwardness of it is truly horrible!

Sage – Really? I don’t see the appeal at all, I’m also surprised nobody seems to receive poems online, I get lots of them! Maybe I just attract the weird old poetic types…wonderful

Kiss – Oh I am a complete sucker for musicians and guys with that kind of suave arrogance! But yes team poetry haters!

Maxwell - Hehe honesty is always the best policy! Unless you are sleeping with someone’s boyfriend and then I find quiet guilt and secret shame work better…

Ashley – You are so right about the trying to be the sensitive guy! I think the 3 bottles of wine I consumed did a pretty good job at numbing my senses…to be fair his poetry worked for him, without it I would never have gotten that drunk and definitely wouldn’t have let him stay over…

Elisabeth – Hehe thanks, poems are definitely an acquired taste

Rosie – I’m so glad you didn’t put yourself through that horror; in all honesty I still haven’t read it properly!

Oh dear, I’ve only had one of those thankfully…I definitely know your response haha! Oh men are so ridiculous…where do they get these ideas from?

Arlequín – I’m sorry! But they need to be told! It’s driving me insane how ridiculously bad some men can be at the online dating thing…the little lost lambs need me to shepherd them towards the ladies!

Thanks :)

Riff – You are a brave man to attempt that poem!

Thanks very much! Hehe I thought that line got my point across and honestly I swear her eyes nearly popped out like a cartoon!

Taylor Christian said...

Possibly the best graphic ever my dear!!
Also, I posted the topic on 20sb about the promotion and's updated. Let me know if interested!!

Little Miss Me said...

Haha Taylor I thought so! Will check it out now :)