Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Keep it in your pants people

I love a guy who is honest. I love a guy who takes control. I love a guy who can grab my attention.

I do not love a guy who thinks sending me one of the following messages is a good idea…
Subject: Hi
From: isaydis (normally I remove the usernames for the sake of anonymity but I feel that they only add to horror show this time)
u wanna hav sum hard dirty sex??
Oh yes please, I have always dreamed of having dirty sex with a random off the internet! Let’s meet up now! I can’t wait any longer! SEX MEEEE HARDDD!!!!! Seriously what does this idiot expect me to reply with?
Subject: Hi
From: isaydis
WOW what i wood like 2 do 2 u.... Hmmmmmm
Same guy as above but a day later, clearly he believed a slightly different tactic would work…is the use of “wood” showing his intellectual witty side? Doubt it.

Also men pay attention: text speak equals chav and are you a chav? No!? Well don’t use it then! And if you are a chav…dreadfully sorry...holla sup 2 de kids Lambrini n Mercedes, ure trackysuit is lookin wel fit like n pls dnt stab us bro!…
I’m not sure if you have chavs in America and the rest of the world? Therefore here is a beautiful flock of the common chav, for more information watch Little Britain and wait for Vicky Pollard to appear...
Subject: Hi
From: mrblond74
id give you a ride you would never forget lol
Ummso...is this guy a pervert or a comedian? Adding “lol” to the end doesn’t make it a joke, it just makes you a retard.
From: randyfkr
Subject: Hi
Hi, nice photos, I do like pussys. Randy xx
I think it’s important to mention that the sender of this message was 67…I don’t think I need to say much more…disgusted to be honest. Sorry but I don’t have any Daddy issues or rather Grandaddy issues in this case…other women may like the grey haired, viagra dependent, arthritic types but it's just not for me...
Subject: Hi
From: luckybastard
ribbit better gis a kiss and see ;oP
The best of a bad bunch, I mentioned something about Prince Charming in my profile so he was being creative but I can safely say that this dude is not going to be a lucky bastard like his name suggests.

Okay I understand that some people are on dating sites for the sex, nothing wrong with that, but there isn’t anything on my profile that suggests I'm only logging on to keep my foofy entertained! So why do I keep getting these messages? Do I look like a common slag who is definitely DTF? And if it’s not sexual propositions I’m getting then it’s ridiculous poems…I received another one yesterday AND a message from stalker moustache man 25 days after his last attempt…dude it’s really time to give the fuck up!

The worse thing about the above messages is that they are actually not the most offensive...the truly awful ones I've been sent I wouldn't even force my most hated enemy to read...well that's a lie, right now I would probably send them her address and tell them she has a kidnap fetish...joking! Probably...

So men, how can you sit at your computer, write out these messages and think “I am sooo going to get me some pussy when the ladies read this! Damn I'm a creative charming motherfucker!” Honestly are you that much of an idiot? Would you go up to a woman in the street and say the same thing? Actually it wouldn't surprise me if some of these guys would...people are weird.

22 comments:

Arlequín said...

Sunday Sport Man has evolved into a computer illiterate phenomenon. Deep down all every woman really wants is a good shagging, except when they're out dogging on a weekend... apparently.

You're clearly a weirdo innit lol.

The worrying thing is that the women that go for that line of seduction and the men who write it are too dumb to use birth control and will eventually outnumber us.

Miz Aventures said...

OMG...I am laughing so hard...and then I got to Arlequin's comment and laughed again. I get the same kind of messages and they freak me out to the point where I feel the need to close all of my blinds super tight. I wonder what would happen if you actually responded positively to one of them?! They'd probably cum all over themselves.

Maxwell said...

Now, by no means do I condone messages like this (text speak makes wish a horde of rabid angry horny goats onto these people while they are tied down with their ass-cheeks spread), but think of it as the machine-gun effect.

Messages like that almost always fail. They're dumb, largely offensive, and drive many women to murderous thoughts. It's the online equivalent of walking into a bar and going up to every woman and saying, "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" You're going to get slapped A LOT. But the line only has to work once. Machine gun. Keep shooting until you hit something.

InnocentKinda said...

Haha Maxwell i love your machine gun analogy! The depressing part? You are dead on. Men only need that one time to make them believe it works with all of us.

Maxwell said...

I just meandered back by here and saw the pictures that I somehow missed the first time. The shot from "Creep" is fucking brilliant.

And yeah, I had to Urban Dictionary "chav". Ugh.

Elle said...

Oh my god.

Oh.

My.

God.

... there are very brief moments when sometimes I think Hitler was on to something.

Elle said...

Oh my god.

Oh.

My.

God.

... there are very brief moments when sometimes I think Hitler was on to something.

Elle said...

Oh my god.

Oh.

My.

God.

... there are very brief moments when sometimes I think Hitler was on to something.

Elle said...

Oh my god.

Oh.

My.

God.

... there are very brief moments when sometimes I think Hitler was on to something.

Elle said...

I now look really enthusiastic, eh? I'm not sure why it posted four times. Sorry about that. haha...

Mrs. Pickle said...

LOL I was thinking, WOW EllE is really trying to make a fucking point!

Kiss said...

WOW! that's all I got!

I'm slowly giving up on the whole online dating thing. I mean, seriously, it's such a joke. And it's these types of messages that are downright RETARDED!

Chav... I need to look that up.

Brilliant post, of course! x

PorkStar said...

hahaha damn! well you gave me an idea for a post about a little experiment I did with my female friend. We set up a profile for her and immediately dudes were saying stupid crap, one in particular wanted to raw dog her and wishing my friend didnt mind he was married with adult kids. Yeah he was about 60.

Maxwell said...

Elle's first post made me laugh out loud at the sheer hilarity. Her second post made me pretty sure she hates all Jewish people. The third post reversed that thought, and made me think she really just hates douchebags. The fourth post reinforced that thought, and upped the degree of hilarity beyond levels seen with the first post.

But it's good she stopped there. A fifth post would have been overkill and a little ridiculous.

LasseEA said...

Some guys can really be bad desperate on the interweb :P followed

Asian Girl said...

I get emails like that too. I've had guys ask me to help them lose their virginity! It makes me wonder if they really think I will say yes!

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I am COMPLETELY addicted to your blog ;) I LOVE it!

This line is epic:
"Adding “lol” to the end doesn’t make it a joke, it just makes you a retard."

Little Miss Me said...

Arlequín - Hehe your comments always make me giggle like a teenager pretending to be drunk! And I’m definitely a weirdo…

It’s scary because it’s true.

Miz Adventures – I think one day I will need to be brave and reply to one of these emails, for scientific research purposes of course…hopefully I won’t get stalked, raped or murdered and instead a lot of laughs will be gained from the replies!

Maxwell – As ever you give a magical insight into “man logic”

Machine guns are cool. Man logic however is not, hopefully occasionally there is some kind of backfire and it wounds them enough that they are unable to pass on their genes to another wave of mini morons.

How could you miss my amazing pictures? I put about 30 seconds of googletime into them! I agree it really is fucking brilliant.

The Urban Dictionary definitions for chav are so spot on it’s amazing “chav – subspecies of human” hahahaa

InnocentKinda – The more depressing part…the women who allow them to believe that this method works…who the hell are they and what on earth are they thinking?

Elle – I appreciate and fear the enthusiasm! I think Maxwell is spot on, a fifth post would definitely have been overkill

Kiss – Sorry you’re giving up on the online dating! I haven’t logged on for a few days to be honest, I’ve been busy and it takes such time to find anybody even a little bit decent, it’s so depressing!

Porkstar – Some guys are nothing but creepy idiots, eurgh! So your friend wasn’t into it? Shocking!

LasseEA – Oh god tell me about it! Thanks :)

Asian Girl – Men can be so disillusioned I’m sure they believe you will say yes! I had one guy come up to me in a club and offer me £1000 to take his virginity…I thought he was joking then it was pretty obvious he wasn’t…I regretfully declined but damn could I have done with the money! What’s worse was that I wasn’t even dressed as whorish as normal, I must just have ‘hooker’ written across my head…damn

Elisabeth – Hehe I’m glad you’re enjoying it! I love writing it :)

Monica said...

I really wonder what goes through their minds when they send this stuff and like was said above its because some dumb ass out there went for it. But really what the hell kind of woman goes for that type of shit?

Taylor Christian said...

lol..Um..No comment. How much worse can this get? And I wonder what feeling they get when they hit send?

Miss Sassy Pants said...

The way they type makes me want to headbutt my laptop. You should respond with, "No, SIR, I wood not like to have sum dirty sex!!"

culona y tetona said...

By reading this makes me real happy! And I love some dirty sex too! Lol