Wednesday, 6 July 2011

She's not out of your league

Proof if you have enough money charm you can get the girl of your wet dreams
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on the most common mistake guys make when sending a personal message, Riff Dog the blogging king of online female seduction commented with some wise words and I think it’s important you read them:
“Not only does a dopey "OMG UR hawwwwwt!" message bore you and show no wit, it has an even worse consequence: 
Subconsciously when a girl like you reads that, it's the equivalent of you being head cheerleader and some dweeb saying, "Omygod she's hot!" The guy has basically defined, with a single sentence, what the social strata is for each of you. The head cheerleader doesn't date the dweeb. She's dates the quarterback. The quarterback doesn't say, "Omygod you're so hot!" He might say "You look nice" or some other understated compliment, but he won't gush. 
I think a general rule of thumb for any messages a guy sends should be - Is this something the dweeb would say to the cheerleader? Or is this what the quarterback would say?”
I think he has it spot on here. (Luckily I have a surprising amount of friends who play american football and I’m obsessed with US dramas so even though I’m English and believe american football is rugby for pussies, I understand what he's getting at).

Every woman loves a compliment, except me because I’m an insecure idiot, although I’ve been working on accepting compliments, today my mother told me “you’re hair is looking lovely today” rather than my normal snarl and stomp off, I managed to reply “thanks, I brushed it today” see what an improvement! Also maybe I should brush my hair more often…

Anyway back to the point of this post. Men.

The following men are a little worse than the previous post of 'you are gorgeous guys' the boys today basically place me on pedestal, allowing me to reject the inferior beings with even greater ease. I’m not going to lie I LOVE getting these messages, I come away with my ego blown up to bursting and prance around like a show pony for the rest of the day shaking my head at anyone ugly who dares to look at me. Oh and according to my mother even my dog doesn’t like ugly people…I've mentioned my mother twice today, I really need to get out more...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/26/2011 11:15:07 AM
heya alright how r ya sorry to bother ya but had to message ya and i do have to say ur well attractive sorry for the chessy start dont really no what to say where abouts u from im **** in ****,and how cums ur single i dont believe ya lol,well be great to hear from ya
all best ****
First off he's apologising for talking to me, already he's lost potential points as he's treating me like a celebrity who shouldn't have the time to speak to a peasant like him.

Secondly he’s called me a liar and talks like an absolute moron. The dude however clearly knows telling me I’m “well attractive” isn’t the best idea in the world, but what else can someone with a brain the size of a mouse turd really come up with?
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/12/2011 10:58:20 PM
hey you ok?? i know u probably get loads of messages, some nice some just plain wierd, but im nice and normal!! i just think you are so so beautifull, natrually pretty, gorgeous smile and a genuine profile xx absolute princess xxxx
It’s true I am all those things, damn I fucking awesome! And you are just nice and normal? Perlease, I need someone better than that! See the point I'm getting at?...
Subject: Hi
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/24/2011 1:37:50 PM
hey **** youre a bit too good for this site i think""" has anyone nice caught your eye yet my dear? 
Subject: Hi can I get to know you ??
From: ****
Sent Date: 6/19/2011 12:42:53 PM
Wow nice profile, your looking way too sexy to be here. Where are you from and can I get to know you ? Xxx
Maybe I’m just too attractive for internet dating? Oh the problems that come with being so bloody hot, it’s not an easy life! Oh wait, yes it is.
From: ****
Subject: sexy smiler :) xxx
Well hello!! You are one foxy lady - very sexy looking I have to say. I'm ****, I work in finance and law and coach fitness when I get the time. What on earth are you doing on here? You must get loads of guys hitting on you. Anyway get in touch, think we could be hot together. My no is 07* **** **** xxx
Now this one is slightly different to the others, this guy is doing everything I’ve hated on above, but somehow he isn’t really lowering his value... he mentions himself and that "we could be hot together" clearly my hotness would compliment his...still anyone who gives out a number on a first message is clearly an absolute idiot, for all he knows I could be a crazy stalker, a scam artist or even an old man who tricks men into meeting him so a horny donkey can rape them while he watches, but then again who doesn't like watching a donkey try to mount a man, it's hilarious!...

Now boys I’m not saying don’t compliment a woman, you won’t get far in life if you can’t give a good compliment especially if your lady ever turns into a drunk retard (or just a normal "do I look fat in these jeans" retard) unless it’s me then an insult works best. Example: apparently for some reason I sat on a floor and started crying that I was ugly recently (no fucking idea why, I blame the fifth bottle of wine…)
Round 1. LMM vs Man
Me “Am I ugly???”
Guy friend “Don’t be silly, you know you're not”
Me “You think I’m uglyyy wahhhh” (honestly I want to punch myself, I hate the overdramatic stupid bitches who cry for no reason)
Round 2. LMM vs Woman
Me “Am I ugly???”
Female friend “ YES! Now stop being a twat!”
Me “Okay”
See how ridiculous I am? My friend says I skipped off happily after this, everytime I become an upset drunk retard calling me a twat, being incredibly fucking hot with a penis or offering me chocolate are the only ways of dealing with my idiocy.

The moral of this messy story? Don't put women on a pedestal, you wan't women to appreciate you're value so please don't lower it! Be the quarterback and get the cheerleader!


Ryan Beaumont said...

So where are your good comments?

And btw way that long purple hair of yours is quite nice!

Anonymous said...

I can't fault that... I've always been quite cocky and funny when out, almost to the point of being insulting, but not quite... and I've generally been successful.

Send a pleasant but not sucky message online and nada...

Likewise a reserved compliment or no compliment at all, always seems to win the day.

Mrs. Pickle said...

I don’t know what I was going to say because I am still thinking about that donkey video

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

Good lord, apologies are the worst.

Unless you have something to truly apologize for, don't. Or apologize for having an apparent spinectomy, because I only fuck guys with a backbone.

Ryan Beaumont said...

I just thought of a great line (or actually remembered a great quote).

So how would this go over as an introduction!

"Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence."
- Ricky Bobby, Talledega Nights

I've been thinking of using that :)

Kiss said...

A) I need to watch the donkey video.

B) Riff Dog couldn't be more right; that's some realness right there.

C) You're fucking cute and funny and I love your posts.

The End.

Kiss said...

Oh, and Ryan too ^ If someone would use that line/quote on me (and would be decent looking) it'd be ON. On on on.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

Miscapitalization and misspellings in emails is the equivalent to a guy missing teeth and talking like a hick.

It's amazing how the last guy essentially said the exact same stuff but seemed like a semi-attractive yet quite arrogant guy instead of a dirty old man with missing teeth and a southern twang.

PorkStar said...

Men are simple creatures. I've always hated how dudes think girls can easily fall for crap like that. Eventhough there are some out there that do, but mostly in porn movies.

Riff Dog said...

Hey, how'd you get that picture of me and my girlffriend???

Ms I makes a good point. Apologies are the worst way to convey confidence.

Rosie said...

No, go ahead and put me on a pedestal. Because I do belong there, but do so with decent grammer AND acknowledge that you did read my profile, understand what I expect and be ready to give that to me. THEN you can plan a great date with me.

SomewhereMan said...

It is a part of the great paradox men face when wooing women...

Be a borderline jerk and the woman will be interested (especially if she wants to change you).

Be nice, charming and get shot down.

For me, when I am juggling 4 or 5 women on A.M. at a time, I can "vary" how I approach each woman -- just to see what happens.

Sorry to report...but the ones I tend to ignore or even treat "less well" that I want to...respond the most to me.


Asian Girl said...

Is it bad that I watched the donkey video before I read through your post? lol.

Little Miss Me said...

Ryan Beaumont – I’m saving them for a special occasion ;)

Any line from a Will Ferrell film is a goodun!

Arlequín – Women do really let themselves down, why do we always go for the cocky bastards? Oh god it’s ridiculous but nice guys are boring…

Mrs. Pickle – I should have known you would be a donkey pervert…I hope I haven’t given you an idea for scaring annoying neighbours

Ms. Inconspicuous – Hehe couldn’t have said it better myself!

Kiss – Hehe watch the video! It’s beautifully hilarious, thanks :)

Miss Sassy Pants – I know it’s shocking how the last guy is only saying something slightly different but comes across in completely the opposite way! Oh the power of words!

PorkStar – Men really need to train each other through the generations, why won’t they learn? Porn movies are not efficient teaching material for life.

Riff Dog – I’ve become a very effective stalker of yours ;) nice tan

Rosie – Hehe your comments always make me laugh, I love your self-love and confidence I might borrow some of that if you don’t mind!

SomewhereMan – Well you’ve made me feel better about my amount of replies, I guess it really is the matter of treat them mean keep them keen?

Asian Girl – Not bad…just interesting ;) choosing a horny donkey over me though, so rude lol

figleaf said...

@SomewhereMan: "Be a borderline jerk and the woman will be interested (especially if she wants to change you). Be nice, charming and get shot down."

No, no, no, those aren't the only two choices! More about this in a second.

@Little Miss Me: I love this post! It perfectly captures the difference between what a lot of men think is being charming, decent, or "nice," and what actually is charming, decent, or nice.

The one misleading thing about the cheerleader/quarterback analogy is that while it's generally annoying to be fawned over by someone who doesn't think he "deserves" you, it's probably nearly as annoying to put up with someone who thinks by virtue of his status he does deserve you.

Anyway, I think what a lot of apologize-first guys mistake a non-worshipful attitude towards attractive women as "borderline jerk." Instead it's just treating women like peers. And sort of by definition when you're peers flirting involves a lot of give and take, not all give on one side and all take on the other.