Saturday, 18 June 2011

It's All About Packaging

Today we are going to be talking about captions also known as "looking for" and "chat up lines".

Oh men men men…these little boxes causes you oh so many problems don’t they? But don’t worry I’m here to help!

Apart from your username and picture, this is the quickest thing to send a woman running in the opposite direction, I’ve read some and physically groaned in embarrassment for the male species!

Now I don't believe there is any right answer to what you should put, but there are definitely a lot of wrong ones! So I thought instead of giving my ideas I would simply show you what the men of the internet think are appropriate...and of course comment on how shit they can be...

"can you lend me 10p? (how about 5 then?)"
I was tempted to message him and ask what he needed it caught my attention so therefore I would say this is pretty good if a little weird (of course I love weird in case you haven't realised by now...if the white coats are coming to catch ya then you're a keeper in my eyes...)

"hiya hope you are all ok"
*Groan* men please don't address everyone, a woman wants to be special not part of the bloody crowd. Pretend you want to talk to just one lucky lady even if you want to bang them all!

"i'm not a gynaecologist, but i'll have a look!"
A poor attempt at being funny in all honesty. My thought when I read this was quite simple "oh fuck off"

"Looking for genuine woman to spend some quality time with."
This is a typical caption of older men, nice but dull, in no way offensive but in no way attention grabbing, women won’t admit it but we want something a little bit out there...or maybe I'm just speaking for myself here.

"Free cuddles come and get them"
I quite liked this. I shouldn't. But I do...what? I'm a woman and therefore I don't require the use of sensibility ever (that's the number one reason a woman will always win an argument, men you hinder yourselves with logic...)

"Lets go............!!!!!!"
Rape or wrestle? Am I in a race?

In typical unexplainable female fashion this one caught my attention, I took it as some kind of rejection I think and I had to see who this guy was!

"i thought this was friends reunited!!!!!........... o well Do you like raisins? How about a date?"
I really love this, it's funny without being try hard, it's not desperate and actually made me laugh and for once not in a 'wow I feel sorry for you pathetic creature with a penis' way...

"Fancy lunch,bring your passport"
If I was a money grabbing goldigger whore this cashsplashed fucktard would be the top of my list!

"I have had an operation on my knee and I am housebound...."
Great? I'm sure that is what every girl is looking for...

"i just want a pretty brunnette in her twenties, thats all."
Way to limit a potential catch by being a shallow ageist donkey

I see this EVERYWHERE and it's so YAWNNNN, no effort, no personality, no bloody good!

"Come and get a piece of this action!"
I appreciate the offer but thankfully decline. I have a feeling that the "action" being offered gets around quite a bit...

"Lukin 4 a lovely jubley girl"
Go back to school and learn how to spell! I hate poor grammar and text speak, if you are not a teenager then you have no excuse. Talk like a fucking educated adult! (I know some websites have character limits on these boxes but honestly I do not care, use your brain and figure it out...I know women are bitches and why is nothing ever easy with us? Because we want you to try harder and be the best you can be! We care too much about you...)

"Looking for love"
I always think this puts too much pressure on potential matches but I guess it's okay...I hate the word's like nice...eurgh when you're told that "you are a nice girl" why not hit me in the face with a frying pan, it will hurt less.

"looking for a nice girl"
(See above for my opinion on "nice") and who isn't looking for that in all honesty, oh that's right the ones who want a filthy dirty slag.

“1 life dnt get 2 no me now u never will!”
What did I say earlier about text speak? And this doesn’t even make any bloody sense! What is wrong with a nice bit of understandable English language?! (Okay I know I have a habit of making up words and using noises as descriptions but…but…I want an educated man or at least one that couldn’t be beaten at scrabble by a slug).

So what have we learnt today? That I get annoyed by everything!? Yes! I mean no...we have learnt that there really isn't the perfect caption but I would say the top 5 rules are:
1. Make it interesting
2. Make 'em laugh
3. Pretend you are talking to one lucky lady
4. Use English not textlish
5. Don't  sound like you have a social penis (aka whore)

Love and sex all around!!!...I feel it's needed after the man hate would have no idea how much I appreciate the penis when you read some of my posts, but I really really do...ahh penis, I love the ladies foofys as well...I just don't want to play with them...wait what was I saying? Oh yes I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!


Maxwell said...

This post is utterly ridiculous. Especially the end. I love it! Keep it up!

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

Your blog is sooooo awesome! I absolutely LOVE it.

My favorite (of the examples above) is the attempt at humor. "i'm not a gynaecologist, but i'll have a look!" That had me rolling with laughter! It's crazy people what people think will work.

Little Miss Me said...

Maxwell - Haha thanks I knew my tendency towards the ridiculous would come in handy one day!

Elisabeth - Thanks :) I honestly can't believe what some men think is a good idea, but still bless 'em they do try!

Sage said...

This is too funny! I love the fact that all of this is true. I don't understand what men are thinking sometimes. Somethings should really just be common sense.

Little Miss Me said...

Thanks Sage! I'm pretty sure most of the male population even lack any sense at all or are just such poor little lost souls they honestly believe they are doing a good job at this dating thing! I'm not sure which is better...

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