Monday, 20 June 2011

Personal Profiles

Time to make that profile personal!

First rule: KEEP IT SIMPLE 
And that's all there is to it really. But no...of course there are a hundred and one things that can make your profile 'wanna be dated' or 'gotta be hated'.

We've already learnt that women get a lot of messages, because they possess the secret online dating weapon...a vagina, so if you happen to be one of the lucky guys that pass the photo, the username and the chat up line test and then she actually clicks on your profile! You need a bloody big bear boob trap to catch her!

The best way of doing this is to be the comedian! No not the annoying guy who thinks he's funny but actually make her laugh, whatever your humour is...sarcastic, silly, slapdash...if you can somehow be funny DO IT! It’s awesome!

Now you want to make reading your profile a positive experience! I come away from so many groaning to myself at how depressively dull men are and it's often a challenge to get past the first sentence. Something very simple that made me smile under "interests" was a guy who had written "Rugby League, Rugby League and Rugby League oh and Rugby League…" nothing impressive (and could be considered boring if you're not a rugby fan) but memorable and what woman doesn’t like to think about big muscly men playing rugby? Also repetition sticks in peoples brains (clearly).

Don’t reveal too much on your profile, the difficulty with revealing more is it becomes yet another reason for the ladies to chuck you onto the garbage pile. Just write enough points to have something to talk about and show you are not a freak that spends 24 hours a day stalking women on the internet and dreaming about eating kittens. Women like mystery because let's face it the dream is always better than reality.

I often give profiles a quick scan, blocks of text send me running away quicker than an alcoholic tramp trying to lick me. I like short snippets with quick information available. I've seen some profiles that have actual essays on them and although I'm interested in the guy, I honestly cannot be bothered to read through what I assume is going to be a pile of waffling shite. I don't have the time or interest.

Another thing is try and make your profile unique. I see guy after guy with the same old cloned profile "I enjoy watching films, spending time with friends and listening to music" no shit sherlock you've just described most of the population and I really couldn't give a dogs biscuit, it's boring. I would rather shit in my hands and clap than read one more piece of literary artwork like that.

So how do you write a good profile? Umm well that's a hard one. I find it very easy to pick out bad things on profiles but coming up with something funny, interesting and frigging awesome isn't easy and damn do I understand that.

Most of the guys who message me tend to mention something from my profile (well the ones that manage to override their penis shouting "She's hot!!! Tell her! Tell her!! Tell her!!! She won't be able to resist you then!" yes the guys that actually use their upstairs brains seem to be impressed with my profile of written nonsense, this makes me not only incredibly amazing but definitely the right person to be giving out advice...umm yeah sure...YES.

Here are the key points that I included on my profile
1. Three things that make me happy. Nothing special but I tried to make them interesting, rather than just saying "walking" say where you like to walk or who with? Don't go overboard. I think I also manage to hint that I'm easy to please and I'm one of these girls that can sit in a corner with brick and be happy, maybe that's why men like me...easily pleased in life equals easily pleased in the bedroom? Oh god I hope they're not thinking that. Damn.
2. I talk about what I'm doing in my life right now. Obvious to be honest. Live in the moment, where is your life and will I fit into it is normally one of the first questions I ask myself when I look at profiles.
3. I make a joke. I'm going to say it again. BE FUCKING FUNNY! I am hilarious.
4. I add a weird 'what the fuck' statement at the end, basically "and yes that is why blah's a long story..." this has got me ridiculous numbers of "I've got to ask but what is the story...?" mails, at first it was great but now I'm losing patience, eurgh be original!!! Grrr but of course I put it there because it's such an easy invitation for someone to talk to you!

In conclusion I don't think there is a right way to design a dating profile, everyone has their own tastes and opinions what rocks Sandy's boat might send Ellie's plummeting to the bottom of the ocean, I would say stick to what you feel comfortable with, make it truthful, real and relatable, keep it short, keep it simple and try to make it funny. Easier said than done.

Before I end today I had to share this gem...
Okay that's not too bad, I mean the guy is being real right? Umm his tagline was "LOOKING FOR A HOTTIE WITH NO ATTITUDE" and his username? Oh? well the perfect username for a guy who is not vain or arrogant of course! "IRRESISITIBLE" This all adds up to the guy being a complete douche who can't even spell.

I know I didn't really come to a conclusion today but I just can't grab one and don't want to lie and make some shit up! If I ever come across the perfect profile I will be sure to share it with you sexybeasts! Over and out.


Maxwell said...

First of all, kittens are tasty. They are best when you put them in the slow cooker. You've got to duct tape the lid down so they can't push it up, but they calm down after about 45 minutes.

I'm glad you put this up. Writing the profile is the hardest damn thing about online dating; it's the dating equivalent of putting your testicles in a vice and slowly ratcheting up the compression...

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I loved reading that "gem" LOL!

I agree, true humor is an awesome quality ;)

Little Miss Me said...

Maxwell - you shouldn't joke about cooking kittens :( I'm a girl and it makes my pussy cry!

I have totally been avoiding writing about profiles because of how damn hard it is! But I feel like I gave it a good attempt and hopefully it saves a few testicles from the vice!

Elisabeth - hehe thanks, humour is definitely the best quality a man can have in my opinion, shame so many lack it :(

Mrs. Pickle said...

When I saw the pink rapist picture I about chocked on the strawberry I was eating. That is so fucking great! Can I copy that picture? It is now one of my favorites :)

Little Miss Me said...

Hahaha Mrs Pickle, take it and share it to the world! I borrowed it off the internet anyway, I just love the truth of it. Tempted to start sending out to guys on dating sites as a good deed...