Sunday, 26 June 2011

You can't make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Seriously nobody likes a stalker (unless you are a vampire...then apparently it's fine. No, dressing up as a vampire does not count. No.).

When I first joined one of the dating sites I received this message:

Subject: Hi i'm ****
i would like to here the lady GaGa story, if your willing to tell it.

Ignoring the awful confusion between here and hear (man is clearly an idiot…) at this point I would have probably replied to him; it was one of the first messages I received, he took a genuine interest in my profile (normally two thumbs up) and I was still in my slightly naïve sweet phase…thankfully his profile picture deterred me. He had a moustache. We all know that only Italians and pirates can look hot with moustaches! Everyone else is a rapist, serial killer or German pornstar.
The Italian football team...oh hello there boys!

That message was sent in the 5th of June…the next day this began:

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: what?
are yoy realy that shy that you dont want to e-mail back?

I wonder if he can actually read, maybe he is in fact a blind man, I mean that would explain the moustache as well as the appalling spelling. Am I being a bitch to a poor visually impaired man? Ooh I wonder if he has a dog, I really like dogs...

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: when you get board
when you get board of talking to yourself, come and talk to me.

Hmmm again confusion of 'board' and 'bored', maybe there is some joke I'm not getting...what could the board represent…or maybe he is really that dumb and would struggle to outwit a retarded hedgehog...I'm going to guess he's an idiot, I mean does he honestly believe a hot little piece of arse like me wouldn't have anyone to talk to? Perlease!!

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you prefer if i wrote you a poem
O shy girl, o shy girl what is thy name, my name is **** my quest is in vein,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name, so that i may stop being this lame,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name whisper it softly so i know who to blame.

Oh no please tell me he didn’t just send me a poem! If you don’t already know my thoughts on poems then you should check out this post.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I have obviously got your attention
so what is it? are you affraid to talk back? or is it because you are affraid you might enjoy it?

Yes you have my attention. Yes I am afraid (notice the spelling moronface). I can safely say I would not enjoy it. EVER.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I was wrong
I thought you were on flirt, to at least talk and make new friends.

English is probably not his first language…yeah that would explain all the mistakes, okay I shall forgive him and hope he's goes away now, English is my first language and I still struggle most of the bloody time, yep no need to be mean.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you like to chat
nothing more just chat.

I think someones not getting the hint? I do not want to chat, that is why I do not reply.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: you do relise...
That eventualy you will crack, and i will get at least 2 words out of you, and yes i do relise they could start with f & o.

I mean seriously, does this dude not have spellcheck? I do appreciate his humour here though...and oh god the temptation of replying "fuck off" is the same kind of "just do it feeling" I get after 3 bottles of wine when a naked man jumps into my bed (and we all know what happens then...), but NO! He is basically a toddler throwing his toys around for attention. I will not give in.

Sent: Thu, 9 Jun
From: ****
Subject: this is the last one and i have a question
Why do you feel so uncomfortable about e-mailing me? What happend to make you so timid?

Umm why do I feel uncomfortable with replying?…umm take a wild fucking guess mate. Not only can you not spell, you have shit grammar and you wrote a poem!!! You are an actual stalker.

I never did reply and thank god he gave up! Although I do worry that one day I will find him camping outside my window, in the bushes with the suicidal birds that now inhabit the area…

In respect for the guy he grabbed my attention and that should be a good thing but out of all the attention seeking styles…this is definitely NOT the way to do it. I mean can anyone say desperate?!

So what did we learn today? DON'T BE A STALKER! If a woman isn't replying it's because she is not interested in you, clearly she has terrible taste because you are a catch! But forgive her ignorance, move on and leave her alone.


Elisabeth Hirsch said...

The mustache . . . the poem . . . the stalker of doom LMAO! I LOVE this post!

Rosie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rosie said...

Too funny wasn't it that the poem was (mostly) grammatically and spellingly correct. Surely by now you've discovered how to actually BLOCK someone on any given site. The block spot is often hard to find. BUT I used it just yesterday.

Anonymous said...

That sort of behaviour goes on in the real world too, there's usually a guy in every bar or club who just won't go away.

There's an obvious reason for the poor spelling and grammar... He was typing one handed.

He probably spent hours making up a 'you' wallpaper, complete with fade in/out pics from your profile and suitably romantic songs. I hate to think what the one he made afterwards was like lol

Mrs. Pickle said...

Technically he is not a stalker until after he catches you. That is what a magnet says on my fridge. It makes me chuckle

Anonymous said...

Haha hilrious! What a freak!!

I have had a few online dating experiences also, but if there is any questionnable spelling/grammar, then they get a big no from the word go (I didn't mean to make that rhyme given your views on poetry!)

Anonymous said...

@Pickle - You're only a stalker if she doesn't like you, otherwise you're just persistent.

Maxwell said...

You mean you're NOT supposed to repeatedly send poorly-spelled emails to attract the ladies? Sonofabitch...

Little Missy Me said...

So very glad you didn't pursue this one. A guy who can't spell, use grammar correctly, or at least learn to use spell check is, in my eyes, not worth my time. Well done.

Dave said...

Quick note about the moustache thing: maybe I'm off base about this, being a straight male and all, but what about the French?

little said...

oh god! i had a guy like that who seemed fantastic online then when i gave him my number he called right away (i didn't answer...hello?! i'd like to know i like you before you're weird on the phone), then texted when i didn't pick up and continued this charade for a week. psyyyycho. i may do a post about him haha.

love, little.

Little Miss Random said...

Man, that guy is majorly weird. I get really uncomfortable when they keep trying when I'm obviously not interested.

I had one guy call me after I didn't reply to his text an hour after he sent it. I didn't take the call, and he texted me right after to ask if I was avoiding him when we hadn't even gone out on a date yet and that just freaked me out because I was like, if you're *this* needy now... so, yeah, we never went out.

Anyway, all the best in the dating world! Us Little Missies need it!

sugarmouse said...

SO GLAD i stumbled upon your blog! suddenly being single doesn't seem to suck so much anymore lols (: keep writing!!

Little Miss Me said...

Elisabeth – Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! See stalkers are good for something!

Rosie – But if I blocked them then they couldn’t provide us with such entertainment? See the things I go through for my readers! I deserve a knighthood…

Dare I ask who you had to block? Stalker?

Arlequín – Haha oh yes I know the ones you are talking about, just because you buy me a drink doesn’t mean I have to take up my valuable time talking to you…

Eww haha now that is not a pleasant image, thanks for that!

A me wallpaper? Wow now that would be beautiful sight although the cum stains and now I suspect some kind of decapitation of my body in the pictures might have ruined it…

Mrs. Pickle – I need that magnet! I want to know who creates all these fridge magnets, they are probably the wisest person in the world

threetimesf – Hehe you’re a poet and you don’t know it! (I know that was lame...stalker moustache dude is probably out of my league to be honest…)

Maxwell – I’m so sorry that the news was broken to you this way but at least now you know, see I’m all about helping the world! Hehe

Little Missy Me – It does make me wonder who the hell would respond to him…worrying thought

Dave – I had the same thought when I was writing this so googled Frenchman with moustache and it gave me ridiculous results, therefore I concluded moustaches can only be hot on Italians.

Little – I hope you do a post about it, he sounds like a weirdo!

Little Miss Random – I tend to feel sorry for them when the message me a few times and I ignore it, I almost want to tell them to check out my blog as they desperately need the advice lol

Oh dear why are there so many crazies on the internet? Oh yeah because it’s the internet…

Thanks :) good luck to you too! We definitely need all the luck we can get!

sugarmouse – Thanks! I’ll definitely keep writing, no worries there! It’s not as if I have a man in my life to distract me…yet!

Not who I will be said...

I just want to reiterate how much I fucking HATE typos and the misuse of homophones. I mean when have board and bored ever meant the same thing?!


Kiss said...

Jesus Christ, Lord have mercy. That is a bonafie CREPPY stalker and I hope to God that his next victim will bite his penis off.

Monica said...

Love it! People who can't spell in the online dating world should just be shot. Mustaches are definitely best on pirates and Italians and that is ALL.

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