Keep it in your pants people

I love a guy who is honest. I love a guy who takes control. I love a guy who can grab my attention.

I do not love a guy who thinks sending me one of the following messages is a good idea…

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis (normally I remove the usernames for the sake of anonymity but I feel that they only add to horror show this time)
u wanna hav sum hard dirty sex??

Oh yes please, I have always dreamed of having dirty sex with a random off the internet! Let’s meet up now! I can’t wait any longer! SEX MEEEE HARDDD!!!!! Seriously what does this idiot expect me to reply with?

Subject: Hi
From: isaydis
WOW what i wood like 2 do 2 u.... Hmmmmmm

Same guy as above but a day later, clearly he believed a slightly different tactic would work…is the use of “wood” showing his intellectual witty side? Doubt it.

Also men pay attention: text speak equals chav and are you a chav? No!? Well don’t use it then! And if you are a chav…dreadfully sorry...holla sup 2 de kids Lambrini n Mercedes, ure trackysuit is lookin wel fit like n pls dnt stab us bro!…

I’m not sure if you have chavs in America and the rest of the world? Therefore here is a beautiful flock of the common chav, for more information watch Little Britain and wait for Vicky Pollard to appear...

Subject: Hi
From: mrblond74
id give you a ride you would never forget lol

Umm…so...is this guy a pervert or a comedian? Adding “lol” to the end doesn’t make it a joke, it just makes you a retard.

From: randyfkr
Subject: Hi
Hi, nice photos, I do like pussys. Randy xx

I think it’s important to mention that the sender of this message was 67…I don’t think I need to say much more…disgusted to be honest. Sorry but I don’t have any Daddy issues or rather Grandaddy issues in this case…other women may like the grey haired, viagra dependent, arthritic types but it's just not for me...

Subject: Hi
From: luckybastard
ribbit better gis a kiss and see ;oP

The best of a bad bunch, I mentioned something about Prince Charming in my profile so he was being creative but I can safely say that this dude is not going to be a lucky bastard like his name suggests.

Okay I understand that some people are on dating sites for the sex, nothing wrong with that, but there isn’t anything on my profile that suggests I'm only logging on to keep my foofy entertained! So why do I keep getting these messages? Do I look like a common slag who is definitely DTF? And if it’s not sexual propositions I’m getting then it’s ridiculous poems…I received another one yesterday AND a message from stalker moustache man 25 days after his last attempt…dude it’s really time to give the fuck up!

The worse thing about the above messages is that they are actually not the most offensive...the truly awful ones I've been sent I wouldn't even force my most hated enemy to read...well that's a lie, right now I would probably send them her address and tell them she has a kidnap fetish...joking! Probably...

So men, how can you sit at your computer, write out these messages and think “I am sooo going to get me some pussy when the ladies read this! Damn I'm a creative charming motherfucker!” Honestly are you that much of an idiot? Would you go up to a woman in the street and say the same thing? Actually it wouldn't surprise me if some of these guys would...people are weird.

You can't make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Seriously nobody likes a stalker (unless you are a vampire...then apparently it's fine. No, dressing up as a vampire does not count. No.).

When I first joined one of the dating sites I received this message:

Subject: Hi i'm ****
i would like to here the lady GaGa story, if your willing to tell it.

Ignoring the awful confusion between here and hear (man is clearly an idiot…) at this point I would have probably replied to him; it was one of the first messages I received, he took a genuine interest in my profile (normally two thumbs up) and I was still in my slightly naïve sweet phase…thankfully his profile picture deterred me. He had a moustache. We all know that only Italians and pirates can look hot with moustaches! Everyone else is a rapist, serial killer or German pornstar.

The Italian football team...oh hello there boys!

That message was sent in the 5th of June…the next day this began:

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: what?
are yoy realy that shy that you dont want to e-mail back?

I wonder if he can actually read, maybe he is in fact a blind man, I mean that would explain the moustache as well as the appalling spelling. Am I being a bitch to a poor visually impaired man? Ooh I wonder if he has a dog, I really like dogs...

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: when you get board
when you get board of talking to yourself, come and talk to me.

Hmmm again confusion of 'board' and 'bored', maybe there is some joke I'm not getting...what could the board represent…or maybe he is really that dumb and would struggle to outwit a retarded hedgehog...I'm going to guess he's an idiot, I mean does he honestly believe a hot little piece of arse like me wouldn't have anyone to talk to? Perlease!!

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you prefer if i wrote you a poem
O shy girl, o shy girl what is thy name, my name is **** my quest is in vein,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name, so that i may stop being this lame,
o shy girl, o shy girl tell me your name whisper it softly so i know who to blame.

Oh no please tell me he didn’t just send me a poem! If you don’t already know my thoughts on poems then you should check out this post.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I have obviously got your attention
so what is it? are you affraid to talk back? or is it because you are affraid you might enjoy it?

Yes you have my attention. Yes I am afraid (notice the spelling moronface). I can safely say I would not enjoy it. EVER.

Sent: Mon, 6 Jun
From: ****
Subject: I was wrong
I thought you were on flirt, to at least talk and make new friends.

English is probably not his first language…yeah that would explain all the mistakes, okay I shall forgive him and hope he's goes away now, English is my first language and I still struggle most of the bloody time, yep no need to be mean.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: would you like to chat
nothing more just chat.

I think someones not getting the hint? I do not want to chat, that is why I do not reply.

Sent: Wed, 8 Jun
From: ****
Subject: you do relise...
That eventualy you will crack, and i will get at least 2 words out of you, and yes i do relise they could start with f & o.

I mean seriously, does this dude not have spellcheck? I do appreciate his humour here though...and oh god the temptation of replying "fuck off"...it is the same kind of "just do it feeling" I get after 3 bottles of wine when a naked man jumps into my bed (and we all know what happens then...), but NO! He is basically a toddler throwing his toys around for attention. I will not give in.

Sent: Thu, 9 Jun
From: ****
Subject: this is the last one and i have a question
Why do you feel so uncomfortable about e-mailing me? What happend to make you so timid?

Umm why do I feel uncomfortable with replying?…umm take a wild fucking guess mate. Not only can you not spell, you have shit grammar and you wrote a poem!!! You are an actual stalker.

I never did reply and thank god he gave up! Although I do worry that one day I will find him camping outside my window, in the bushes with the suicidal birds that now inhabit the area…

In respect for the guy he grabbed my attention and that should be a good thing but out of all the attention seeking styles…this is definitely NOT the way to do it. I mean can anyone say desperate?!

So what did we learn today? DON'T BE A STALKER! If a woman isn't replying it's because she is not interested in you, clearly she has terrible taste because you are a catch! But forgive her ignorance, move on and leave her alone.

Everyone's A Poet

Completely unrelated photo I know...but it's funny and the poem pictures were rubbish man!

Poems.

Poems.

Poems.

Umm yes, so poems.

What can I say? I’m sure you are sat at your computer, thinking of wonderful romantic ways of wooing the women and OF COURSE! It is so simple! A poem! Yes the women will be throwing their panties at you once you copy and paste some badly selected rhyming shit into their inbox. Sorted. Now sit back and watch that pussy role in, girls are suckers for romance right? NO. NO. NO!

Naïve women will perhaps get a flutter in their tummy or somewhere downstairs reading a poem but honestly in my opinion there is no personal touch. Maybe if you include my name, add something from my profile, WRITE IT YOURSELF, then who knows?

Poems are so awkward. AWKWARD. Two weeks ago a friend shared some of his poems AND the inspiration behind them with me…it took all my willpower to hold in my laughter…I managed an “awww how lovely” before I shoved wine into my face…I was praying he wouldn’t mention them again but he continued and attempted to ask me questions…my head was screaming "don’t laugh! And why did you choose wine? Wine is completely the wrong drink! You should have known! You stupid heartless immature child! There is only so long you can gulp down wine without wanting to become a little vomcano!"…thankfully I finished my glass, leapt to my feet and declared “oh I am out of wine, I shall go get us another bottle! Why don’t you show her *pointing at my friend* your poems?” The look on her face was amazing, something out of a cartoon when a piano is about to fall on your face; oh yes we were out in a group…I know…the other people at the table had all turned away and left me to deal with the wannabe poet but oh no bitches! It’s your turn now muahahahaa!!!!! Luckily the other guy with us told him to put his poems away and stop ruining the banter…yes so poems are so awkwardly awful for the every situation…I feel I have to admit that I slept with poem dude later that night...but that was a completely drunken douche of a decision and was definitely in spite of the poems than because of them…FML

Anyway here is the last poem I received online, if I pretended to read it then you can too!

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.


I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.


You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.


We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.


We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.


Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.


Love
x

Skimmed it? All I got was “lie on the ground, just you and me, wet, pink, thinking, that one special place,” umm what?! Maybe poems aren’t meant to be read that quickly…whatever, there was no way in hell I was replying to the the creator/copier. This is definitely the kind of guy who would meet me, skin my head, then use my hair to dress his cats.

The Most Common Mistake

Subject: Hi!
Really very beatiful and cute..I am ****.And you?Where are you from sweet girl?

Subject: .
Wouldn't mind some of that! ;o)

Subject: hey
lovely pics how are you? fancy a chat **** from **** :)))

Subject: hi
nice pics why this

Subject: x
hey ya i like ya pics ;)xx

Subject: Hey! Wow! U look so perfect -I don't know what to say :)
Fancy having a good flirting session with me?

Subject: hey sexy
Wow u are stunning, fancy a chat?

These are the most common types of messages I get.

Ignore the awful spelling, the use of textinglish and the annoying amount of “hi” “hello” “hey” in the message subject title! Actually I can't ignore that...NEVER and I mean NEVER put "hi...!" it is sooo lazy and makes me want to stab you in the testicles! It doesn’t take much effort to add something a little different does it? Also some sites have "suggested messages" or "fast flirts" DO NOT TOUCH THEM! Most women will be able to recognise these pieces of crap after a day or two of joining and they are simply pathetic! Do you not have enough brain cells to rub together and write your own message?!

Anyway back to my initial point...

Obviously the men of the internet have never seen a woman before and so it's reasonable not to expect the highest quality of message to be created as they jizz in their pants but seriously?

So you think I look good in my photos? Well so do I…that is why I posted them after all! (I read somewhere that you will never look as bad as your drivers license and never as good as your facebook profile picture...I think this applies to online dating profile photos too, everyone is going to choose their best pics...yes ladies those awful pictures are what the male behind them considers to be his most attractive shots...I know...run now...run faster).

A compliment is nice but it’s pretty clear that there isn’t much more to these guys than “wow you are hot, want to have some fun...aka they call me Fred Flinstone coz I can make your bed rock...aka I’m a caveman with the intelligence and social skills of a dead dinosaur…at least those are my thoughts.

Now it’s not as if the guys above aren’t attractive, some of them are extremely fit and I would definitely stalk them in a club if my drunken horn was out to play! But I have had two years of sex with guys that are best friends with their mirrors and their idea of a thrilling conversation is "don't my abs look great today?" "I'm feeling so hench, I just got a new PB at the gym!" and when they aren't talking about themselves they are focusing their deep as a puddle personality on me..."You're looking so fit today, wanna fuck?" deep and meaningful right?…I mean I don’t mind a compliment…well that’s a lie…my insecurities aren’t helpful in flirting and relationships…anybody know if there’s a book out there “how to accept a compliment for dummies”? I could really do with reading it!

Basically all I'm saying guys is please don't focus purely on a woman's pictures, try to start an interesting conversation instead! Of course it's good to chuck in a compliment or two but don't make it the bloody focus!!!

Personal Profiles

Time to make that profile personal!

First rule: KEEP IT SIMPLE 
Second rule: GRAB ATTENTION
And that's all there is to it really. But no...of course there are a hundred and one things that can make your profile 'wanna be dated' or 'gotta be hated'.

We've already learnt that women get a lot of messages, because they possess the secret online dating weapon...a vagina, so if you happen to be one of the lucky guys that pass the photo, the username and the chat up line test and then she actually clicks on your profile! You need a bloody big bear boob trap to catch her!

The best way of doing this is to be the comedian! No not the annoying guy who thinks he's funny but actually make her laugh, whatever your humour is...sarcastic, silly, slapdash...if you can somehow be funny DO IT! It’s awesome!

Now you want to make reading your profile a positive experience! I come away from so many groaning to myself at how depressively dull men are and it's often a challenge to get past the first sentence. Something very simple that made me smile under "interests" was a guy who had written "Rugby League, Rugby League and Rugby League oh and Rugby League…" nothing impressive (and could be considered boring if you're not a rugby fan) but memorable and what woman doesn’t like to think about big muscly men playing rugby? Also repetition sticks in peoples brains (clearly).

Don’t reveal too much on your profile, the difficulty with revealing more is it becomes yet another reason for the ladies to chuck you onto the garbage pile. Just write enough points to have something to talk about and show you are not a freak that spends 24 hours a day stalking women on the internet and dreaming about eating kittens. Women like mystery because let's face it the dream is always better than reality.

I often give profiles a quick scan, blocks of text send me running away quicker than an alcoholic tramp trying to lick me. I like short snippets with quick information available. I've seen some profiles that have actual essays on them and although I'm interested in the guy, I honestly cannot be bothered to read through what I assume is going to be a pile of waffling shite. I don't have the time or interest.

Another thing is try and make your profile unique. I see guy after guy with the same old cloned profile "I enjoy watching films, spending time with friends and listening to music" no shit sherlock you've just described most of the population and I really couldn't give a dogs biscuit, it's boring. I would rather shit in my hands and clap than read one more piece of literary artwork like that.

So how do you write a good profile? Umm well that's a hard one. I find it very easy to pick out bad things on profiles but coming up with something funny, interesting and frigging awesome isn't easy and damn do I understand that.

Most of the guys who message me tend to mention something from my profile (well the ones that manage to override their penis shouting "She's hot!!! Tell her! Tell her!! Tell her!!! She won't be able to resist you then!" yes the guys that actually use their upstairs brains seem to be impressed with my profile of written nonsense, this makes me not only incredibly amazing but definitely the right person to be giving out advice...umm yeah sure...YES.

Here are the key points that I included on my profile
1. Three things that make me happy. Nothing special but I tried to make them interesting, rather than just saying "walking" say where you like to walk or who with? Don't go overboard. I think I also manage to hint that I'm easy to please and I'm one of these girls that can sit in a corner with brick and be happy, maybe that's why men like me...easily pleased in life equals easily pleased in the bedroom? Oh god I hope they're not thinking that. Damn.
2. I talk about what I'm doing in my life right now. Obvious to be honest. Live in the moment, where is your life and will I fit into it is normally one of the first questions I ask myself when I look at profiles.
3. I make a joke. I'm going to say it again. BE FUCKING FUNNY! I am hilarious.
4. I add a weird 'what the fuck' statement at the end, basically "and yes that is why blah blah...it's a long story..." this has got me ridiculous numbers of "I've got to ask but what is the story...?" mails, at first it was great but now I'm losing patience, eurgh be original!!! Grrr but of course I put it there because it's such an easy invitation for someone to talk to you!

In conclusion I don't think there is a right way to design a dating profile, everyone has their own tastes and opinions what rocks Sandy's boat might send Ellie's plummeting to the bottom of the ocean, I would say stick to what you feel comfortable with, make it truthful, real and relatable, keep it short, keep it simple and try to make it funny. Easier said than done.

Before I end today I had to share this gem...

IM A NORMAL AVERAGE GUY WHO IS NOT VAIN OR ARROGRANT,I DONT THINK IM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE OR LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE OR JUDGE ANYONEIM VERY LOYAL ,TRUSTWORTHY,KIND AND LOVING,I HAVE A VERY BIG HEART

Okay that's not too bad, I mean the guy is being real right? Umm his tagline was "LOOKING FOR A HOTTIE WITH NO ATTITUDE" and his username? Oh? well the perfect username for a guy who is not vain or arrogant of course! "IRRESISITIBLE" This all adds up to the guy being a complete douche who can't even spell.

I know I didn't really come to a conclusion today but I just can't grab one and don't want to lie and make some shit up! If I ever come across the perfect profile I will be sure to share it with you sexybeasts! Over and out.

It's All About Packaging

Today we are going to be talking about captions also known as "looking for" and "chat up lines".

Oh men men men…these little boxes causes you oh so many problems don’t they? But don’t worry I’m here to help!

Apart from your username and picture, this is the quickest thing to send a woman running in the opposite direction, I’ve read some and physically groaned in embarrassment for the male species!

Now I don't believe there is any right answer to what you should put, but there are definitely a lot of wrong ones! So I thought instead of giving my ideas I would simply show you what the men of the internet think are appropriate...and of course comment on how shit they can be...

"can you lend me 10p? (how about 5 then?)"
I was tempted to message him and ask what he needed it for...it caught my attention so therefore I would say this is pretty good if a little weird (of course I love weird in case you haven't realised by now...if the white coats are coming to catch ya then you're a keeper in my eyes...)

"hiya hope you are all ok"
*Groan* men please don't address everyone, a woman wants to be special not part of the bloody crowd. Pretend you want to talk to just one lucky lady even if you want to bang them all!

"i'm not a gynaecologist, but i'll have a look!"
A poor attempt at being funny in all honesty. My thought when I read this was quite simple "oh fuck off"

"Looking for genuine woman to spend some quality time with."
This is a typical caption of older men, nice but dull, in no way offensive but in no way attention grabbing, women won’t admit it but we want something a little bit out there...or maybe I'm just speaking for myself here.

"Free cuddles come and get them"
I quite liked this. I shouldn't. But I do...what? I'm a woman and therefore I don't require the use of sensibility ever (that's the number one reason a woman will always win an argument, men you hinder yourselves with logic...)

"Lets go............!!!!!!"
Rape or wrestle? Am I in a race?

"naaaa........................."
In typical unexplainable female fashion this one caught my attention, I took it as some kind of rejection I think and I had to see who this guy was!

"i thought this was friends reunited!!!!!........... o well Do you like raisins? How about a date?"
I really love this, it's funny without being try hard, it's not desperate and actually made me laugh and for once not in a 'wow I feel sorry for you pathetic creature with a penis' way...

"Fancy lunch,bring your passport"
If I was a money grabbing goldigger whore this cashsplashed fucktard would be the top of my list!

"I have had an operation on my knee and I am housebound...."
Great? I'm sure that is what every girl is looking for...

"i just want a pretty brunnette in her twenties, thats all."
Way to limit a potential catch by being a shallow ageist donkey

"hi..........................."
I see this EVERYWHERE and it's so YAWNNNN, no effort, no personality, no bloody good!

"Come and get a piece of this action!"
I appreciate the offer but thankfully decline. I have a feeling that the "action" being offered gets around quite a bit...

"Lukin 4 a lovely jubley girl"
Go back to school and learn how to spell! I hate poor grammar and text speak, if you are not a teenager then you have no excuse. Talk like a fucking educated adult! (I know some websites have character limits on these boxes but honestly I do not care, use your brain and figure it out...I know women are bitches and why is nothing ever easy with us? Because we want you to try harder and be the best you can be! We care too much about you...)

"Looking for love"
I always think this puts too much pressure on potential matches but I guess it's okay...I hate the word okay...it's like nice...eurgh when you're told that "you are a nice girl" why not hit me in the face with a frying pan, it will hurt less.

"looking for a nice girl"
(See above for my opinion on "nice") and who isn't looking for that in all honesty, oh that's right the ones who want a filthy dirty slag.

“1 life dnt get 2 no me now u never will!”
What did I say earlier about text speak? And this doesn’t even make any bloody sense! What is wrong with a nice bit of understandable English language?! (Okay I know I have a habit of making up words and using noises as descriptions but…but…I want an educated man or at least one that couldn’t be beaten at scrabble by a slug).

So what have we learnt today? That I get annoyed by everything!? Yes! I mean no...we have learnt that there really isn't the perfect caption but I would say the top 5 rules are:
1. Make it interesting
2. Make 'em laugh
3. Pretend you are talking to one lucky lady
4. Use English not textlish
5. Don't  sound like you have a social penis (aka whore)

Love and sex all around!!!...I feel it's needed after the man hate today...you would have no idea how much I appreciate the penis when you read some of my posts, but I really really do...ahh penis, I love the ladies foofys as well...I just don't want to play with them...wait what was I saying? Oh yes I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

The Perfect Profile Picture

Profile pictures. The first thing a woman will judge you on. Let’s face it, everyone goes on appearance initially right? I know, I know, us ladies moan about men focusing purely on what we look like and then we do the EXACT same thing but...but…but it’s human nature…yeah just hand me a bigger shovel so I can dig this hole faster thanks…

There are many ideas of what makes a good profile pic, most people will tell you that it’s a smile and yes a smile is great and everything (unless it’s one of those creepy clown smiles eurgh). But what I find interests me is mystery…a guy looking slightly away from the camera…WHY IS HE NOT LOOKING AT ME!?!?! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS HOT PIECE OF ASS?!!?! Interest peaked! Tada!

A photo of you looking away is also good if you’re not the most stunning chap in the world… it gives you the opportunity to present a picture that won't scare the birds away and hopefully allow you get across your personality before you finally reveal everything. What’s even better is that you’re not hiding your face, it’s still you...but you are just being a little crafty with it…

Boys oh boys! Please avoid those awful pouty "flirty" faces like the plague…it’s just a wrong. Another no in my 'huge book of being a fussy bitch' is the ‘Bear Pose’, what do I mean by the 'Bear Pose'? A guy stood up, hands on hips, chest puffed out and being the man! It is too self obsessed and try-hard to be hench in my opinion.

The Bear Pose...sort of

A good photo is a relaxed photo, at the moment I’m making an effort to talk to a guy who has a picture of him quite simply sat comfortably leaning forwards on what looks like a couch or bed (this is subtly important, the fact I thought it was a bed made me immediately think about sex when I looked at him, maybe not intentional on his part but that’s where my mind went…bad dirty filthy mind!), the forwards lean is also  significant (can you tell I’ve done some psychology at uni and therefore now believe I’m the worlds leading authority on it?..) unlike the bear pose that is leaning back, this guy is leaning towards me making it welcoming and like he’s showing an interest in me…he’s not…it’s just a photo but this is what my subconscious tells me…(my subconscious may be over thinking some of this shit).

There is one issue I’m slightly stuck on and that is all of you half naked men, as a respectable young woman: “oh how it is disgusting! Clearly this is a man who only cares about how he looks…I will just have a little sneak peak…oh my god the half naked man with abs messaged me...hehehehe"…this is how women let themselves down and I'm included. It takes all my effort to resist a reply to these chiseled gods but resist I do...I want more than a body to play with...I've been there, done that hottie with a body...and the personalty of potato...of course if you were talking to me a few months ago I would be on these guys like fat person on cheesecake…so if you’ve got it...I'm going to suggest you flaunt it...in a tasteful way of course!

For the ladies...

One thing I’m also confused about is animals…a lot of guys have pictures with their pets, now I am an animal lover so normally this interests me, a cute dog and I definitely notice the picture but I’m not sure I like them…it means he already has something special in his life and I don’t really want to be second best…one thing I am certain of is that you should not being kissing your pet parrot in a profile picture (yes a guy actually did this).

Okay next were onto kids (wonder what it says about me that my mind goes naked men, animals and then children. Priorities?). You may have a history and that history may involve some babies but a profile picture isn’t the place, a woman doesn’t want to be immediately presented with this, of course you shouldn’t hide it but don’t let it be the first thing she sees.

Next up on the chopping block...cars. Okay we get it, you have some money, you own a car, congratulations but unless you are a transformer I do not want to see a car in your profile picture. It sends the wrong message. It tells me you are materialistic and no doubt will attract women wanting you for the wrong reasons aka "she aint nothin but a gold digger!"

Honestly? I have no idea

Final tip, if you have a uniform WEAR IT! I’ve randomly realised that the last few guys I have chatted to are ALL wearing some kind of uniform in their profile pics, so guys if you are in the army/navy/airforce get that gear on, I’m sure it’s not just me that loves a man in uniform, it’s a talking point, it’s the romantic idea and it’s just frigging hot!

So what have we learnt today? Well that I don't really know exactly what I want and there is no perfect profile picture?...no don't be silly! We have of course learnt that the best profile picture is simple, relaxed, a little mysterious and you! Oh and last thing NO CROTCH SHOTS. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO...NO.

Well that was helpful...

What's In A Name?

When you create an online dating account you are immediately presented with the ‘username’ box…in a rush to reach all the online pussy you smash in the first thing that comes to mind and you feel pretty proud of yourself, I mean what woman wouldn’t want a guy named "3legs"? Yep, you are a stud and now they will ALL know it…no.

Men please, for me, take a little time to think about the label you give yourself.

Your username is important.

Apart from your profile picture it is the first thing your potential ladyfriend will see and inevitably judge you on. Don’t neglect it!

I would like to think that common sense could be used here, but from some of the names I’ve seen recently it’s quite clear that the majority of men on the internet could get lost in an empty field with all the sense they possess…

So here are Little Miss Me’s tips on picking a username that doesn’t make me want to do the world a favour and hit you with a shovel.

Do not use the word “hot” (I was just messaged by a "hotstuff" telling me “I’m fit as fuck”…ooh I think I just met my new Prince Charming! Kate and Wills are going to be put to shame!) Yes I’m aware you think you are very hot and every woman wants you...but if it’s true then you don't need to plonk that awful word in your username. Women have eyes, you have pictures…see where I’m going with this?

Guys…oh you bunch of penii…please avoid the temptation of 69…just bleurgh…you are not being original…or clever…or even funny…do I really have to explain? Because I’m not going to.

Also names like "mrcoolassdude" and "MrLoving"…I mean sure it seems like a decent idea…you may be a cool ass dude, you may be more loving than a carebear but it’s all a bit blah (I know my use of descriptive language today is outstanding).

Of course if you are looking for a lady to explode your load in and nothing more (I use lady in the loosest sense…no judgment here…everyone needs their back doors smashed in sometimes...) I’m sure a name like "super_serpent" or "MrLongAndHard" might work wonders on women who keep their brain in their G spot. But honestly even a little kitten only looking to play might not be impressed with such a sexually focused name…or at least one that you actually want…remember a woman that is easy for you is easy for everyone…

In my humble opinion (what? I can be humble!..) the best names to go for are the simplest.

Your name should be something I can remember (for the right reasons, laughing at a skinny scruff of a man called "KingKong" is not the right reason fyi, although he has stuck in my mind, so who really knows?…).

The guy I can think of right now is simply Simon, his username is Simon192838 (some random formation of numbers) but that’s not the point, the point is that I remember him and that is important!

Another little tip is that when you are on a site that doesn't allow spaces in your username and you are using multiple words please please please make sure it is easy to read, for example:

• littlemissme 
• LittleMissMe 
• little_miss_me

The first one is pretty illegible and a woman doesn’t have the time or energy to work out what the hell your name is, so make it clear! It’s not difficult, capitals and underscores are all you need.

So yes, you want a name that is memorable, not explicitly sexual and definitely not assholeish.

If I were a guy I would probably base it on a celebrity, film/tv character, song or perhaps a famous quote, something that reflects your appearance or personality, if the name is already well known and associated with something positive then the chances are it will be more memorable to women. It could also be a talking point and that is ALWAYS good! Funny is nice too but be careful what humour you go for...

In conclusion if you keep it simple then you can’t go too far wrong. Easy peasy.

DISCLAIMER: as always these are my opinions...don't go hatin if I aint right bro!


Check back on Wednesday when I will be giving you the good, the bad and the ugly facts about profile pictures!

Too Many Many Men

The number 1 problem with dating sites is that there are too many men (and not enough decent, intelligent, hot, sexy, funny... too much?...women like me! In fact according to one lovely chap the site was full of “large ladys who want to take me out and do stuff to me” apparently he wasn’t into it...but at least he got some attention).

Anyway…umm…yes there is too much penis on the internet.

You may send a girl a message feeling pretty good about yourself; I mean YOU made the effort to talk to HER! Oh what a lucky lady she is to have the chance to talk to a stallion like you! Unfortunately there is an entire herd of bucking broncos trying to mount this poor filly, don’t be discouraged if she snubs you.

Dating sites are a numbers game, if one woman doesn’t appreciate how much of a stud you are forget about her and move on. I’ve ignored over 90% of my inbox messages, the reasons why I will reveal in futures posts. The point that I’m trying to make here is that no matter how amazing, attractive and hilarious you are…your message may simply get lost in the crowd.

Not a good enough answer? Well in under two days on the site apparently I had 120 admirers (not entirely sure how they work this out…I’m guessing it includes anyone who’s tried to interact with me, winks, messages, declarations of love, requests to play in my cumbucket, the usual) I also had 102 personal inbox messages…and no way in hell am I going to reply to all of them! Or even bother taking the time to open some when the titles reads “hey hot stuf, u lukin 4 a gud time? ;)”…so guys it’s REALLY important you can stand out from the crowd! Don’t worry Little Miss Me is here to help you, just because I care THAT MUCH about your poor little broken hearts, sensitive things you are!

So the first rule of getting noticed: BE A WHORE!!! Message lots of women, yes I'm aware in the past you have been told this is "wrong", you should look for that special someone, quality over quantity...but the chances of getting a reply are not great, the more women you approach, the more likely one might actually take an interest in you and to be honest who is going to know if you send 1 or 100 messages? Of course there are many other variables and the content of the message is actually very very important but that is something we shall get to later! Be patient young Padawan.

On Monday we are talking usernames and generally how shit you boys are at choosing them (sorry I love and hump you really! But yeah you are shit).

Dating Profile of Little Miss Me

I think it’s best if we start by looking at the hottest piece of ass on the internet (yes I am talking about me!…the compliments from numerous online perverts are clearly going to my head).

So this is a brief description of my “completely outstandingly perfectly amazing” profile, before I start slagging everyone else off…I’m lovely really, honest! And definitely never ever sarcastic…

I’m not the most stunningly attractive girl in the world obviously, if I was I’d be married to some billionaire tycoon who showers me with shiny things, buys me ponies and builds me a floating magnetic bed, instead I’m hanging around on dirty dating websites…however even my horrid amount of insecurities allow me to say that I’m alright and YES YOU WOULD. HARD.

My username is simple, nothing suggestive. To me it is innocence and mystery combined...to most men it is probably just another issue when they try to work out if I'm a massive whore, am I going to be willing to send them pictures of my vagina or even better play rodeo with them in the real world?

I posted two profile photos, one is a webcam pic of me laughing/smiling (I read somewhere that webcam pics should never be used as they are grainy and usually ugly, all I can say is 'boo you whore' get a mac!) and the other is a slightly different angle of me dressed as a cat...drunk (again I remember reading that you should never post a pissed up pic but damn I like it, so whatever Trevor! I know I can’t follow advice...so am I the right person to be giving it? Quite simply yes I believe I am) I think I look pretty good in the pictures and if I was a creepy internet rapist I would DEFINITELY drag me into some bushes and chop me into pieces!

I also filled out the profile box, I purposely wrote NOTHING remotely sexual on there, because believe me when I say men need no encouragement! I kept it sweet, fun, humorous with a hint of innocence (...all ladies want to be innocent damsels in distress fyi…even if we are the dirtiest filthy whores in the litter box, we’re a tricky little bunch of flower gardens).

Within literally seconds of posting my photo I was being bombarded with chat pop ups, to the point that I wasn’t sure if it was a spamming advert site, but nope these were real people! There is nothing unusual in girls getting lots of messages from men on dating sites, it’s a known fact that it is nearly ALWAYS the men who have to put the effort in, so I sat back and waited for the messages to flow in (cocky bitch right?...this is the moment you want me to receive no messages, unfortunately men you can't resist my charms!).

I decided from the outset that I would only respond to inbox messages, the chat pop ups were annoying and in general creepy, boring and weird. So yes INBOX ONLY. I wouldn’t be surprised if other women also did this.

The longer I spend on the site the more ideas I have on what men I am going to quite simply ignore, women on dating websites are harsh boys and that is the truth! I may possibly be a little more dismissive than your average lady because of certain experiences and a real lack of naivety when it comes to longest running battle on earth: penis vs brain.

So yes that is a better introduction to me? Hopefully? Any questions? Don’t be afraid to ask! I don’t bite! Unless you want me to…

On Friday the real shit starts! The advice and insights I’m going to give you are one of a kind (with any luck)…and so that is all I can say about Little Miss Me at the moment, are you excited? I am!

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Meet Little Miss Me...

I've always enjoyed blogging and have one or two floating around in cyberspace, but honestly I lost motivation with my last blog, it was all about sex because damn I loved sex back in the days but now I'm bored with that (I sound mad right?!), well I'm fed up with most things right now except maybe unicorns, yep I think a unicorn might impress me, but not in a creepy using it's horn inappropriately kind of way...no the same way a flying pig might get an imaginary tip of the hat...wait I've stumbled off track again (this happens a lot but you will learn to love it or leave...I guess that's your choice)

Okay the point of this post is introduce myself, it's going well so far isn't it? No...okay then...

You can call me Little Miss Me or anything you wish really, out of a flit of fleeting boredom I decided to join a dating site yesterday, to be honest it was more than a fleeting decision in my mad mind; I thought it might be a good way of meeting a decent guy...I know WHAT WAS I THINKING! My mother always told me the internet was full of rapists and murderers! Of course she isn't the internets biggest fan and soaks up anything the media has to offer...

Oh damn I've wandered off again! Back on track...

I'm 22, single and a student (for the next few months anyway), consequently all this adds up to me being poor and although I knew I should join one of those pay sites out there I thought hell no! Free all the way, so joined a free for females one instead and damn I am so glad I did!

Men sometimes there is nothing else to think but "really? you seriously just sent me that?"

The moral of this waffling story...well there are no morals but I feel like someone needs to give some brutal honest advice about dating sites with hopefully a few laughs along the way!