Monday, 4 July 2011

Fussy? Me? Never!...

The most important part of online dating is the first contact. This is normally in the form of a private message, during my time on the sites I have quickly realised that there are four main types of message:
• The “hi”
• The “fancy chatting?”
• The “personal ad”
• The “you are gorgeous!”
They are all shit.

I’m a lazy cow when it comes to online dating, one lovely blogger Little Miss Daydream is trying to date based on advice from Diana Kirschner’s Love in 90 Days and Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson…I can safely say my approach to dating is basically pathetically rubbish compared to hers, she’s being proactive and has a really good attitude, whereas I’m basically being the annoying “hot girl” at school who expects a really attractive penis with a great personality to fall into her vagina. Little Miss Daydream also mentions the "Deadly Dating Patterns" and even though I’m not entirely sure what these are, I’m still pretty damn certain I could be a spokesperson for them.

I think the idea of online dating is to give guys you wouldn’t normally chat with a chance? But I’m sorry, I can’t with most of them! A cat walking over a keyboard could send me a better first message than some of the men on the internet.

And I know I’m a ‘Shallow Hal’ sometimes...especially online, if I don’t find a guy attractive then I don’t reply...even if he sends me a message to make comedians cry with laughter, I’m starting to think that maybe I should give these men an opportunity to prove that there is more to life than looks, but if I don’t find a guy hot then I will far too happily shove him into the friend zone and from my experience this ends in tears (theirs…) seriously men are such pussies!

I may come across as a bit of a bitch sometimes and as my mother so lovingly put “you’re getting to an age now where you can’t afford to be fussy” excuse me? I’m 22…I think I’ve got a few good years left in me yet! My ass has honestly never looked better and my boobs, well they deserve some kind of medal for the work they do each day defying gravity! Okay my tummy is hit or miss, sometimes it could give underwear models competition, other days it has the ability to appear pregnant and I'm offered to sit down on busy trains…I like to think it has a personality but in reality it’s more closely tied to my relationship with wine and pizza…worth it.
This has happened to me more than once...
So yes I may come across as a bit of a bitch but shockingly I do reply to some men…I know! At the moment I have about five guys in the ‘potential date arena’ and they are quite the mixture, although they all have similar personalities and are able to take my banter, brave men! I will update you on the progress of these boys in the future, including how they managed to send me a message that didn't make me want to kick them in the goolies!

To be honest five out of about five-hundred potential guys is a little fussy…I can admit that! But I am struggling with my inner whore-demon! I really want to find myself a decent guy who I can spend time with chatting, chilling, laughing, fucking but oh god does the whore-demon make some good points sometimes…right now she’s telling me it is a wonderful idea to let my guy friend/previous fuckbuddy come stay with me next week as he keeps hinting for an invite, I am very tempted as he is hilarious, a favourite pastime of his was to shout “nice boobs!” across the canteen and then of course I could only reply with “nice dick!” yeah he is a bit of a knob in reality…why do I always like the cocky little shits?

Some sexytimes would be very nice, I want to say yes but there is a problem other than my dream of a being a good girl, the problem is that he started seeing one of my good friends for a few weeks recently but being the selfish heartless bitch she is, she got bored of him. Great what’s the issue then? Well she is a crazy bunny boiler, one of these girls that if she touches a guy then her name is automatically tattooed on their head for life. Hmm problem. I really can’t be bothered with the drama…oh but she didn’t care that I had a thing with him first I hear you say? Well apparently girl code doesn’t apply to slags such as myself. Seriously sluts never get any respect!

I think I lost the point of this post but no worries…over the next week we will go into detail about the four types of message I listed above with some wonderful examples from the lads online. That’s something to look forward to! And I promise I am going to try harder to love the world and give even the revoltingly ugly people a chance, but not the moustache people! NEVER THE MOUSTACHE PEOPLE!


Kiss said...

You seriously make me laugh! I loved this post so much. You basically just are me, but a few years younger. (GOD, I FEEL FUCKING OLD. Even though I'm really not? UGH) You like the cocky little shits because they have GAME and because they know they can take women for a ride (literally and figuratively) They're charming, funny, sexy, confident, with big dick usually, and yep - even bigger egos. I mean, what's NOT TO LOVE?!

You've actually inspired me to post a few of he funnier (read: retarded and creepy) messages I've gotten on the site. BTW, I deleted that shit. I'm officially done with online fucking dating, but I am sure as hell gonna write about it some more, aaaand will continue following your lovely blog! *wink*

Asian Girl said...

Your posts always make me laugh and in this case, I was nodding because I understood what you meant about the first contact message. I guess it's sorta sweet to send me a "Hey beautiful" message, but if it's not followed by any meaningful content, then I wouldn't bother responding! Keep up the great work!

Maxwell said...

Um, don't take offense to this, but I kinda want to punch your mother in the vagina. You're 22 - In my book, you're still years away from "Well, I guess I should think about seriously dating" age.

Go be fussy.

Little Miss Daydream said...

Ha! I was in a ltr at 22, but I was pretty much the bitch at 25/26 - I agree with Maxwell, I regret not having been single more, and had more fun in my twenties. There's plenty of time for other stuff later. Enjoy yourself! X

Arlequín said...

22 and left on the shelf... shocking! I know a good nunnery if you want to give up now?

The other side of the coin to the lame messages that guys send is the lame messages woman 'of a certain age' send. They should just open with 'any chance of a pity fuck?' ... maybe it's me and I missed the small print that said guys in their 40's are desperate enough to do anything :/

PorkStar said...

The moustache people are always scary. Especially when they are balding too.

Looking forward to reading more!!

Little Miss Me said...

Kiss – Thanks :) You’re not old!

Haha you make a good point for the cocky little shits everywhere! I can’t wait to read those posts!

Asian Girl – Thank you!I know it’s so important to make a message interesting, I just don’t understand why guys don’t get that? It’s so frustrating!

Maxwell – You can’t do that to my mother! Don’t worry I think I can manage to be fussy for a few more years, just for you because I love you that much!

Little Miss Daydream – Hehe I will definitely enjoy myself! I’ve had plenty of practice!

Arlequín – I will try for a few more months but if I don’t have any success I will have no choice but to take you up on your offer :(

Haha those poor women, if they can’t even get a pity fuck from you then it really must be hopeless...

PorkStar – Oh god balding moustache people, don’t scare me!