Friday, 29 July 2011

Whoreface Friday for Carrymel: a Stranger and a Sudden Loss of Dignity

Carrymel: “Oooh ooh! I want a story involving a complete stranger, you, and a sudden loss of dignity. That's pretty abstract. I think you can make it happen”.

Surprisingly nothing came to me immediately, wow I really don’t embarrass myself in front of strangers do I? Then I thought about it and oh dear god I am basically a walking disaster…most people wouldn’t leave the house if they had even half of my problems in public, it would be so much safer if I never spoke or walked anywhere…

For Carrymel...

I picked a story at random from my muddled brain. I hope you like it.

Firstly let me introduce Arthur, back in the day I would allow myself a project and Arthur was one such project. A project basically consisted of a guy that required more than me giving him “the eye” to get into bed. Arthur was a bit socially special, almost a virgin (one previous long term girlfriend) and he looked scared, I was a predator a few years ago and poor Arthur was the weak, confused almost dead Zebra to my Lioness. He didn’t stand a chance.
Now Arthur was a shy little man and very easily intimidated so it took me a few weeks to work my charms, I really did love a challenge. Finally I had him and we went back to his place where magic certainly didn’t happen but I achieved my goal, so I classed it as a success, plus he got to have sex with someone way out of his league. I was such a classy whore.

I woke up to the realisation that I had no money, Arthur clearly didn’t know how to deal with a slag in his bedroom and I felt bad for stealing the remainder of his virginity plus asking for money would be a little too hookeresque for me, so after dosing up on water and surprisingly some really awesome chatty banter with him, I think the sex gave him a new burst of confidence, I’m such a good person…I decided to brave a walk of shame home, it was only 15 minutes, I was in stupidly high heels, a sluttastic dress and it was rush hour…what could go wrong? Right?

As I walked through the hallway I glanced at myself in the mirror…I looked like a dying panda with a dead dog on my head...GREAT! I stumbled out the door into the fresh air and it hit me…bollocks I was still drunk…
An accurate representation of my face that morning, I know, I'm a sexy beast.
I was stumbling along fairly happily, a few looks of disappointment and judgement from the parents as I tottered past the school like your average prostitute back from a hard nights work but nothing unusual, then I came to “the corner” a ridiculously evil contraption of builders to catch out the slightly drunken underdressed whore on a morning stroll…the bastards!

It’s difficult to explain the situation so please refer to the map below…
Anyone spot a potential tragic problem for the partially drunk therefore sight impaired? Well it’s the corner and the stupidly low brick wall, which obviously I didn’t notice. I turned the corner and went flying ass over tits onto the floor as an old lady was walking past, my knees hurt like a bitch as I sprawled out across the pavement blocking the senior citizens way, but old people are nice right? Yeah she would make sure I was okay but no she gave me the filthiest look of horror I have ever witnessed, she then tutted something like “you should be ashamed” and chose to walk in the busy road rather than help me and my injuries up…stupid bitch! Then I looked down and the problem was pretty clear…
YES I FLASHED A GRANNY!!! Lucky slag! But no she was less than appreciative of my little strip show…I didn’t wear that dress again for safety reasons and for the protection of old ladies everywhere.

This is one of the few times I have actually been really embarrassed...it wasn’t just the boob, the granny and the idiocy of the situation, it was also the fact that I was on a busy road giving the whole world a show from my private collection, it wasn’t until I stood up that I remembered I wasn’t wearing underwear either…classy classy times…

3 comments:

Not the Hero said...

This story here is exactly why women have a harder time with the walk of shame then men.

The worst I've had to deal with was being still drunk. On top of being drunk comes a certain ambivalence. Like not noticing that I smelled like a 60s brothel, booze, smoke, sex, and perfume.

Being oblivious to my current state and still high on the night before's success I decided it would be a good idea to hit on the cute girl on the train. Turns out she was 16, her mom, who was sitting next to her, was not impressed.

Ryan Beaumont said...

That's what you get for walking on the wrong side of the road! Silly Brits!

Carrymel said...

I know I am TWO MONTHS late on this - heyy, you never left me a comment on my page so I didn't know it was up! lol but anyway, thank you for giving me that story. It was just as tactless and hilarious as I'd hoped it would be! Lol. I especially like the picture of Arthur in the front. . it's hard to imagine someone getting it on with a cartoon ant-eater but if anyone could do it, it's you.

http://carrymel.blogspot.com