Friday, 15 July 2011

Introducing Whoreface Fridays

I know you missed me like a fatty on a diet misses cake but I've returned!!!

So when I asked you lovely people what I could do to apologise for abandoning you all week, it seemed that people were interested in hearing some stories, that gave me an idea…Whoreface Fridays! Where I shall tell you a real life story, if anyone has a particular desire to know something throw some suggestions for topics or random words at me!

Be aware that my stories tend to focus on three common aspects of my life…alcohol, embarrassment and penii…apparently a girl I met recently had never spoken to someone who could start so many sentences with “this one time when I was drunk…” win.

Today I can’t really be bothered to write anything of major interest, I’m more exhausted than a rabbit at an orgy, so thought I would update you on my week!

Firstly there was no sex. It will get dryer than the Sahara desert down there soon if I don’t step up my game. Mr. Banter my penis for Wednesday ended up not coming out because he had to work, poor fucking excuse to be honest and then the opportunity didn’t present itself well enough when I visited DK (guess what that stands for and win a prize, an imaginary sexual prize).

For the majority of the week I’ve been drunk, really fucking drunk. The vodka jelly was pretty damaging, I consumed mass quantities of the stuff and thought I felt alright…then I tried to stand up, I swear the floor attacked me! The little bastard.

In the club I was too drunk to well...move, so found some sofas and took up residence, The club was full of children which pissed me off but I love to people watch so amused myself, the amount of teenagers there made me feel slightly paedophilic, especially when I started taking pictures of them for “future reference” (looking at said photos I have no idea what I should be referencing, it looks like I was focused on half naked slutty whores…) a few guys said hi but being an ignorant drunken bitch I blanked them, then a man sat next to me:
“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “
“Hahaha sorry so..”
“I wasn’t joking, I’m busy”
“Well you are sat alone, don’t you want some company?”
“No. I want to sit here watching strangers and stalking my future husband on facebook, please go away”
then he left, seriously some people don’t take hints…umm why am I sexless again? I really can’t work it out…

When we left the club apparently I demanded we get some fried chicken…I am a fried chicken slut when I’m drunk, praise Lucifer for the Colonel! In the takeaway I wanted three pieces, only three. The guy serving gave me fuckloads for free saying that he “liked the look of me”…my friend said I left annoyed because he gave me so much chicken I couldn’t close my box…ungrateful bitch much? Bloody drama queen.
When I wasn’t drunk I was being the little spoon to my sexy ladyfriend who is a major snugglebear, I woke up the other morning to find her breathing onto my neck with her arm round my waist, pretty much the wet dream for all our guy friends, she's a sought after piece of totty, it was a little strange to wake up in that position without a penis poking me in the back to be honest. Funny how you miss things.

Anyway we decided to visit DK (who I may have slept with before...) everything was pretty damn awesome, sex jokes and poo sticks (mine committed suicide…not impressed I lost) overall it was pretty awesome.

In the evening we went back to his house where I had to meet his mum, not going to lie I was dreading it, “so how do you know my son?” “oh...well when we get drunk he likes to stick his penis in me” anyway this is the part where I should be saying that I was silly to be nervous and it was all fine and not awkward at all. That would be a lie. The mother was scary. She came out with “I know EVERYTHING about my son, EVERYTHING he gets up to, EVERYTHING” umm a little weird but okay…I mean she wouldn’t know…would she? “so who is who?!” as soon as I said my name she turned to me and repeated “EVERYTHING” my head was having some kind of heart attack, even if she knew I had violated her son with my vagina I really hope she didn’t know my idea of a chat up line “I amgggoing toooos fuckeer you ahso harddd” (aka in sober speak: "I am going to fuck you so hard!!!") he told me yesterday he wasn’t easy and pretty fussy when it comes to women, he is bloody easy! I basically told him to come and that’s what he did, inside me. Not easy my arse. Everyone’s easy when it comes to me.

Other stuff happened but nothing very interesting, disappointed on the sex front but after talking to his mother my vagina pretty much grew back her hymen in awkward confusion.

Sort of rambled on there didn't I?...So next week is the official start of Whoreface Fridays and I have a lovely story where a potato, a bucket and high heels are all involved thanks to Maxwell’s suggestion, I haven’t forgotten yours either Carrymel and who knows I might give you all a lecture on duck necrophilia as a beer for the shower seemed keen...

Oh and I have my first official date from the internet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me I've been murdered...I honestly don't know why I'm even going because he's too short but his personality seems awesome...eurgh if it's rubbish I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor.


Elle said...

HAHAHAHAA... "I will just drink until he gets taller!!!"

Oh my god... that made my day!

Maxwell said...

Win! I can't wait for the story!

Carrymel said...

"I will just drink until he gets taller, everyones tall when you're lying on the floor." -- LMAO!

That's so true. I can't wait to read these stories.

PorkStar said...

Everyone's taller when you are laying on the floor hahahaha..... yeah i try not to ever do that, for us dudes its better that we dont even go on all fours or bend over, much less lay on the floor when we are drunk.


Asian Girl said...

Potato, bucket, and high heels? Oh gosh, can't wait to hear it!

Miss Sassy Pants said...

“Do you mind if I sit down and chat with you? “

HAHA oh man I can't even count the number of times I've done that.

Stephanie D said...

Crazy, fun story! Good luck on that date.

Shane Pilgrim said...

This whole entry is full of win. Vodka jelly sounds awesome!

Btw...poo stick? Please tell me that is a typo.

Good luck on your date! Hopefully he isn't a Creepasaurus Rex.


Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I LOVE fried chicken. And this post (as always with you) is epic.

Little Miss Me said...

Elle – I’m glad I could entertain ;)

Maxwell – But you will have to wait, well until Friday…

Carrymel – Hehe glad you liked it!

PorkStar – Haha yeah I can imagine

Asian Girl – It will be up on Friday :)

Miss Sassy Pants – Hehe I always feel a little bit evil, but it’s better to be honest!

Stephanie D – Thanks it went surprisingly well

Shane Pilgrim – Have you never played poo sticks! You basically race sticks from one side of the bridge to the other…maybe it has a different name in other places

Elisabeth Hirsch – Thanks! Got to love a bit of fried chicken!

Not who I will be said...

You are hilarious and I want to party with you, all the time.

I'm pretty sure most of my stories start with "this one time when I was drunk..." or "supposedly when I was blacked out I..."


Little Miss Me said...

Hehe it would be an amazing night! I swear half the time my friends are making stuff be honest I wouldn't even know if they memory is shocking!