Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're Wine

I am 22 years old. I am technically an adult (no one has to know my mental age…I still laugh at the word willy and balloon condom animals are hilarious...if you don't agree you have no soul). My dating profile says that I’m looking for men between 22 and 45, I chose that range because I have a fuckload of younger guys here, I don’t need to look on the internet for them (no I am not running some kind of rentboy business…) and I chose 45 as I don’t want to go any older than my dad (who I think is about 46…I think…) although if George Clooney or Johnny Depp messaged me then I’m sure I could make an exception…damn I would love to get them naked, throw some chocolate sauce on them and lick it off...

Anyway I’m not an ageist, a hot guy is a hot guy in my opinion and I don’t tend to pay attention to the ages of men that message me, unless they are 72 and call themselves "ViagraMan" or some shit.

The older men who actually message me however chuck their age in my face! I have no idea why they do it? And what’s worse they normally accept defeat before they even talk to me! Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!
From: ****
Subject: hi
hi fancy a chat or am i to old for you x
By now we know that fancy a chat is a shit message, hi as the subject is a shit message but then this dude mentions his age…what the hell kind of reason would I have for replying to this?
From: ****
Subject: hey
you have got gorgoues eyes and a beautiful smile hope ya well i know to old lol but pay a compliment where its due lol
Subject: Hi
From: ****
hi sexy, maybe im too old for you but me good good
Both these guys are 30…ummm excuse me but when did 30 become old? Seriously kill me now if I’m considered an OAP at 30, it’s ridiculous! The first one: why even message me? You’ve already lost before you pressed send, the second one isn’t much better but at least this idiot is clawing onto a teeny tiny strand of hope…
From: ****
Subject: hi
WOW ..what can i say?? please give an older man a heart attack by writing back to me!!
This is pretty cute I have to say but I still don’t understand mentioning your age, I know the heart attack thing is a joke but I don’t want to think that if I fuck you then you might die, that’s some shit I could deal without right there.
From: ****
Subject: hello
hello pitty you are young as i really liked your profile would be nice to hear from you as you look really nice take care
Why don’t you just give me a pat on the head and be more patronising. I may still get asked for ID everytime I buy alcohol because the shop retards think I look 17 but I am a bloody grown up thank you.
From: ****
Subject: Grrrrr
Wish I was 22 again
What the actual fuck is the point of this message? Oh great well it’s your lucky day because I’m only a bloody genie that can grant some awesome fucking wishes!

Anyway men please don’t mention your age. It’s on your profile so I can see it, don’t make it an obvious reason for me to ignore you. Bloody idiots.


Shane Pilgrim said...

It's a bird, it's a, it's ViagraMan!

Maybe they're trying to throw their age out there so they're not deceiving you, but aye, that's a poor way to go about it. Sort of like introducing yourself to a woman and promptly listing the reasons why she shouldn't date you.


Ryan Beaumont said...

How about this:

"Hey there, fancy a shag! When I was your age I had been shagging for 4+ years and was old enough to well have a daughter like you. Now that I'm *2 you I've had another 20+ years to get it right!" :)

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I LOVE this! I'm 28, and I have to agree, when did 30 become old LOL!

Carrymel said...

"Do they expect me to feel sorry for them and send a pity message? Because that is not how I fucking work!"

bahaha! please, tell us how you really feel lol.

I like your process of elimination for your candidates because it's similar to what I would do. Guys who don't even sound confident on the internet definitely aren't confident in real life. On the internet you can be whatever you wanna be! They need to work it lol.

I feel like those guys are just so use to getting shot down that they think mentioning their age will help them. Little do they know. . .

Zombie said...

Im only 20... I cant even legally drink yet!! :(

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Entertaining post, as usual.

And emphasizing on his seniority is just immediate suicide. His chances of getting laid has just dwindled to um, zero.

Stephanie D said...

I had a 36 year old and a 61 year old contact me on-line in a 48 hour period. I'm 42. Profile gives age range of 39-53. How hard is it for guys to honor that one simple request!
And the 36 year old looked like he was 50!
Is it rude to put "Don't contact me if you're gross by most people's standards?"

Little Miss Me said...

Shane Pilgrim – Hehe that is exactly what they are doing! Who goes up to a woman in a club and says “Hi, I’m Mike and I have a small penis, care to fuck me?!” it’s a completely similar situation…neither are going to be successful!

Ryan Beaumont – That would work perfectly, no woman could resist that kind of logic!

Elisabeth Hirsch – 28? Only two good years in you left then, best make the most of them before you’re put in a home…

Carrymel – Hehe too blunt? I know isn’t even confident on the internet then the chances or me and him getting on in real life aren’t going to be great, I need someone who can handle me!

Zombie – You’re living in the wrong country! All about being 18 here ;)

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade – Thanks :) I don’t understand why men fail to realize what silly mistakes they are making

Stephanie -Hehe, I swear most men can't read, it would explain their awful spelling! I don't think that would be rude at all, its all about honesty...I'm not sure it would work however, men have a magic mirror telling them how hot they are

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

I'd think this is pretty much a fishing thing; they're looking for a, "Oh, no. You're not too old for me! I LOVE older guys..."

Either that, or they've had girls reject them for being "too old" (well, for some other reason, really, but "too old" is an excuse one cannot parry so well as others).

Asian Girl said...

ViagraMan? I bet someone out there is using that name as we speak! As for 30 being old, wow. I guess I just have a few months until I'll be in that category! lol

A Beer for the Shower said...

I'll never understand why guys try to point out something like this when talking to a woman. It's not even just about age. It's pointing out anything, good, bad, or neutral, but it comes across as a flaw. Example: "Hi (X), I may be (flaw) but will you write me back?"

What kind of first impression is a flaw? And I'm begging you to write me back? Pathetic.

Confidence speaks volumes. Just say hello, introduce yourself, say something about them that you can identify with, and let them decide if your age is a problem. It's hard to miss when your profile says: AGE: 35 in huge letters.

Arlequín said...

I'm tempted to say mentioning age is a sign of guilt... it's like emphasising their age in the message gets them off the hook for being dirty old men.

I think Ms.Inconspicuous is right, it's a fishing trip. If someone comes out with that line it absolves them in their own eyes.

Little Missy Me said...

Do any of those guys know proper english? Or is that something that stops after 30 too? Why would they even bother trying, their messages make me cringe! Ugh. Is there a way of putting on your profile that age isn't an issue so anyone who mentions it gets shot in the head?

SomewhereMan said...


I am guilty of ageism as well, at times. VERY hesitant to get myself involved with anyone under 30, as most of the local (A.M.) women under 30 talk in "text language" or are overly dramatic.

However, the exception for me is the true online world where I doubt I will ever meet the women I'm in touch with here, through blogging. Here, age doesn't matter. Words do. Pics (sometimes) can help but the stories of passion, sex, regret and advice - I find - can be highly sensual as well.

I'm in my high-30's and will fudge my online age to 35. I don't mind a little fudging with A.M. women on their age. However, one I was recently involved with sold herself as 35 but was really 43.

Not a deal breaker but I did think less of her. (Not her age but the fact she shaved 8 years off it). I'd have been find with 39... or 40... but 35?

Men just need to be confident. Because of the "numbers game", most of the women in online dating are merely looking for a reason to DQ us. Don't be a hesitant dolt in the initial message. Be humorous and positive. :)


FluteItUp said...

I so totally agree! My only problem on dating sites is when the guy is old enough to date my single mother (I'm 21, she's 58... I'm sorry - it's too much). Also, what is it with people who can't use proper punctuation in messages? If you can't use a period, why should I believe you will be able to hold an intellectual conversation?